Reality Faker

A lesson in sleep depravation

2011-08-04T19:13:00.001-06:00

One of my favorite things about living in my place is that the people who just moved in on the first floor like to BBQ at midnight right underneath my window. There's really nothing better than trying to fall asleep with burger smoke wafting in your window. No, really. There's nothing better. Except everything.

Because the last thing I need, when I already have problems sleeping, is to be lying in bed craving burgers like a pregnant woman.

But I'm not pregnant. Because apparently to become pregnant you have to first do something called "having sex" which I have not done in some time. But I did just recently go back on the pill so I'm pretty sure the sex will soon follow. That's how it works right? No? Oh.

Speaking of which, when I was in Regina, I joked to my mom in the airport that I was pregnant for some reason and then after I laughed and said, "As if" or something equally cool, my Mom told me, in all seriousness, that I should really consider getting a friend with benefits. I know I briefly mentioned this in my last post but I really wanted to make sure, just in case you missed it the first time, that everyone was aware my own Mother is recommending this to me. Because I guess she thinks I've really come to that point. But she couldn't be more wrong.

I've passed that point.

Anyways.

Back to the not sleeping. I went to a behavioral therapist a few weeks ago to see if she would help me with my not sleeping due to anxiety problem and, basically, everything she said I already knew because I've done a lot of research and also because I'm super smart, but, that being said, there were a couple of things she recommended that have seemed to have helped a bit like not having caffeine after 1pm and not reading in bed.

I think she was pretty frustrated at the end though because she was super pumped about all her, clearly recent, findings about insomnia and kept reading from her little paper and saying things like, "researchers say" and then she would list off all the things you should do if you want to get a good sleep, all of which I already knew and also tried but I humored her and said I'd try them. And I did try two, as noted above, so I've basically already put in 100% and it's up to her to fix me.

One of the things she said was important was to go to bed and get up at the same time every day, which I've heard before and also believe but don't necessarily like to practice. She asked me if that would be something I would be willing to do and I said sure, I can get up at 7am every day. And then she said that weekends were included and I said, no deal. Or I might have just started laughing. Either way I think she got the point.

I can't explain how much I love sleeping in. And not sleeping in until noon or something crazy, just sleeping in until 8:30 or 9am. I love it. If I have a shitty week of sleep the only thing that gets me through is the knowledge that I can sleep until as long as I want on the weekend. If I wanted to get up at 7am on the weekends I'd have kids. And I know all the parents out there are laughing because I'm so silly thinking that 7am is early if you have kids and I'd be lucky to SLEEP IN until 7am on weekends if I had kids. And to them I say, I don't care. 7am is early. I don't like it. End of story.

And then she got the idea that if I go to bed at 10pm but don't fall asleep until 1am, then why don't I go to bed at 1am? Why indeed. Mostly because if I went to bed at 1am I wouldn't fall asleep until 5am because the problem isn't I'm not ready for bed, the problem is I can't stop thinking about stuff when I am in bed and if I went to bed at 1am I would not only be thinking of all the crap I usually think about, I would also be thinking OH MY GOD IT'S 1AM AND I HAVE TO GET UP IN 6 HOURS which wouldn't really help things in my view.

So, at the end of the session she was all, "Do I have your commitment to getting up at 7am each day?" and I was like, "Sure" and she was all, "Even weekends?" except it wasn't a question it was more of a stern statement and, really, I tried hard for about 2 seconds to pretend I was going to do it but then I just started laughing and said, "I'm not going to lie. I'm totally not doing that. I'll say I'll do it but on Saturday when the alarm goes off at 7am I guarantee you I'll just turn it off and go back to sleep."

And she was kind of taken back a bit but she was a real trooper and kept her composure and said, "Ok, can I get your commitment that you will go to bed at 1am every night?" and I was like, "I really don't understand the value in this exercise," and she was all, "JUST DO IT," or something and I countered with the commitment to go to bed at 10:30pm and she said it would be better if I went to bed at 1am like she said or, at least 12:30am and I sort of agreed so she asked which one would it be, 12:30 or 1am and I said 11:00.

And then I think she cried a bit.

I'm pretty sure I'm getting my money's worth.

Can men and women be friends? Let's discuss.

2011-07-30T17:26:00.001-06:00

I watched When Harry me Sally for the first time last night. I know, how could I possibly have just watched When Harry Met Sally for the first time last night?! Where have I been?! I know. I'd seen parts of it but I'd never seen the whole thing and last night I thought, "Hey. What the hell. I have absolutely nothing to do on a Friday night so why don't I watch a movie from the late 80's that everyone has seen except me?" Why indeed.

And just so you don't think I'm completely pathetic, I did also make some delicious "clean eating" chicken curry with homemade spelt bread and yogurt dip.

I'm not entirely sure why that makes me less pathetic, but it was delicious so I win.

Although my house still smells like curry, a full day after, so I guess I lose a bit as well.

Anyhoo.

One of the questions, or the question the movie brings up or, I guess, brought up 22 years ago when everyone else saw it, is: can men and women be friends? Like, really friends. Without the sex and stuff. And when I say friends, I mean close friends who hang out all the time. Not just friends you chat with at the office and hang out with every once in a while in a group setting. Just to be clear.

Now, I've always been a strong proponent of the "Hells yeah, they can!" stance because I have and have had a lot of male friends. I've always said that, while I get along well with women, a lot of things women do annoy me and I'm not very girly so, when given the choice, I would always hang out with the guys. For example, at a party where, in the kitchen the women would be talking about weddings and babies and other crap that I have absolutely no interest in, I would go hang out in the other room with the guys and drink and watch football and stuff.

And I needed my guy friends because who else would I "keep it real with" when the other girls played games and were petty and catty and superficial and delicate and walked around with their ass cheeks hanging out of their shorts and then complained when a guy hit on them.

And to the "misconception" that in any girl/guy friendship there is always one, or possibly both of them who want to have sex and that sexual tension is always just hanging there and getting in the way of things or, alternatively, they actually do have sex and either completely fuck up the relationship or pretend it never happened - but, really, no matter how hard you try you can't pretend that never happened - I would always scoff and shake my head because I had plenty of friendships with guys where there wasn't any sex or sexual thoughts at all on any side. And how did I know? Because I told the guys whom I thought were interested in me that I wasn't interested in them that way or, at least, I hinted very broadly, so if I wasn't having any sexual feelings, that clearly would have shut down any sexual feelings on their end right?

It's just recently come to my attention that I may have been slightly naive. After really giving this some thought I realized that the beliefs that I noted above are no longer the beliefs that I have now and I'm not really sure when I missed that bus but it seems to have left a long time ago. In reality:

I have a lot more friends now who are girls than friends who are guys. And it seems that I've managed to pick some really awesome women to be close friends with. And they don't play games and aren't petty or catty or superficial or delicate and they don't walk around with their ass cheeks hanging out of their shorts. Well, most of them don't anyways.
When I'm at a party now, and this is truly a rare occurrence, I tend to hang with the ladies. Why? Mostly because I don't drink much anymore, but also because most men there are married and are hanging out with their wives and, if they're not married, they're on the prowl which is awkward or they're drunk/high with the other single drunk/high men and behaving like jackasses. I'm not entirely sure how I didn't see this before.
I actually like listening to my women friends talk about their weddings, and now, babies/children/teenagers. Because they're my friends and, because they are important to me, their lives interest me. This is apparently news.
Men are absolutely NOT less petty, catty, superficial or delicate than women. Absolutely. Not.
And, finally, and most importantly, when I went down my list of "close guy friends" I realized that for almost all of them at least one of the following criteria applied:

I have had sexual feelings towards them.
They have had sexual feelings towards me(no matter how much I denied it because I just wanted someone to hang out with and do what I say - yes, really)
We actually did have sex and:

We are no longer friends
We are not as good friends as we were before
We pretended it didn't happen(see above)

So, what does that say? Can women and men be friends? Like, real, true friends, without any sex or sexual tension.

I honestly don't know that answer. And that makes me kind of sad. Because I really thought that I knew this one.

And I want to be the kind of person that can do this. The kind of person who can have close guy friends and not have any feelings other than friendship. And be secure in the fact that they have only friendship feelings also. But I can't read minds. So, just because I'm not feeling anything that doesn't necessarily mean they're not and vice versa. It seems inevitable that one of us will eventually get hurt.

And, while my Mom is all about me having a friend with benefits(true story)I've been down that road before. It seems like a good idea in theory and in Ashton Kutcher movies but when you actually try it out and think it's really fun and going really well and maybe this could possibly develop into something more but then you find out from a co-worker that he's started dating someone else and it's "pretty serious"? That really fucking sucks. Or so I've heard.

So, now's your chance to weigh in. For those of you who actually still read this despite the fact that I regularly go through severe posting droughts.

I would love to hear any thoughts.

Why I should just get drunk on Mondays and call it a day

2011-07-04T18:52:00.001-06:00

Most of the times when I don't sleep well, I can make it through the day pretty easily. In fact, if I didn't constantly whine about how tired I was, most people likely wouldn't even know I had only slept for 3 hours the night before.

Then there are days when I wake up after not sleeping well and I'm a giant raging bitch. I don't know what happens that makes these sleepless days different from other sleepless days but it's not pretty my friends.

And then there are days when I don't sleep well and I'm a giant raging bitch, and these days are rare, but it's almost like the world knows I'm teetering on it's edge and it keeps flicking me in the head with shit all day just to see how far it can go before I completely fall off.

Like today for example. Here are some highlights:

Drove around downtown trying to find parking for half an hour and, when I finally did find parking(underground, yes!)was told by the old man in the little hut that it was cash only, please and thank you and only after I laid my head on my steering wheel and started to gently weep did he tell me that if I went down a couple of floors I could pay by credit card. Which I did.
Realized that, after climbing up several flights of stairs and exiting the piss-filled dungeon, that I had actually parked a good 20 minute walk from my destination.
Suspected 10 minutes into the expedition that it probably wasn't the best choice to have brought my purse and my giant laptop bag.
Confirmed this suspicion on the walk back as it turned out I didn't even need my laptop at all.
Bought a coffee that tasted like women's perfume.
Drank it anyway.
Got lost on my way back to the office.
Punched my GPS.
Seriously, I actually punched my GPS. I wish I was joking.
Yelled with my car window open, "IF I KNEW HOW TO 'CONTINUE TO BLOOR STREET' I WOULDN'T NEED A GPS IN THE FIRST PLACE!"
Felt like a fucking idiot.
Came home and blew my breaker.
Twice.
Joked to my friend that I'd only been home 30 minutes and I'd already blew my breaker twice because I keep forgetting I need to turn my air conditioning off if I use my microwave and, man I'm such an moron because who can't remember that?
Blew my breaker again.
Decided I would just be uncomfortably hot then for fuck sakes.

The day's over though right? I'm sort of scared to move.

Dear Summer, you're the best.

2011-07-03T17:20:00.000-06:00

So, the comments on my last couple of posts have led me to believe that maybe you, all two of you, are under the impression that I am an unhappy person and, yes, I can completely understand that because I have, on, occasion, written posts that have expounded my unhappiness and, yes, those posts may have seemed similar to the posts I just wrote but, the difference here is, I am actually not just happy but VERY happy and the previous posts, especially the last one, was intended to be funny. I was sort of poking fun at myself if you will.

And, clearly, I didn't really do a good job at accurately portraying the humor but, really, I'm not unhappy. I still do have anxiety from time to time, yes, and I still have great difficulty sleeping but that's ok because, other than that, my life is pretty awesome.

I love summer, and I love summer things, and I spent most of this weekend doing fun summer things. I went to see the Canada Day Fireworks, I went to the Farmers Market by my house and bought a pie, I ate the pie, I hung out by the lake all day today and I'm watching the Rider game tonight. And, really, despite the fact that I found a giant beetle in my hair this morning and completely lost my shit, I would have to say that I am perfectly happy with my life in every way right now at 35 years old.

So there. Beat that 25.

Sleep is for the weak

2011-06-28T16:49:00.000-06:00

Did I tell you about that time a couple of months ago when I went and got a sleep test done? I think I did because I kind of remember saying something about all the wires and I thought I was a robot or something. If I wasn't super fucking lazy I would go search for the post and then say something like, "You can find the post HERE!" and then I would link to it but I am actually that lazy so if you're really interested you're just going to have to search for it or remember or not care. I'm with you on the third choice. Because, really, all you need to know is there was a sleep test and I use the term "sleep" very loosely because I was hooked up to seventy thousand wires and there was very little actual "sleep" to be had. Basically it was an awake test.

Anyhoo.

I finally had my appointment this week where they gave me the results they could have easily given me over the phone and saved me booking time off work and paying for parking and waiting in a hospital waiting room for half an hour which is unpleasant enough at the best of times, but made even more unpleasant when you're waiting in the waiting room of a respiratory clinic where the majority of the people there have actual respiratory problems which mostly involve wheezing and coughing up shit into Kleenexes.

I, however, do not have a respiratory problem which took the sleep doctor for whom I waited 2 months and 30 phlem-filled minutes to see, literally 45 seconds to tell me.

Which is good I guess because I don't have to wear a mask or sleep with an oxygen tank or anything but he also confirmed what I pretty much knew all along which is that my problem with sleep - and also, by my own self-diagnoses, with being awake - is anxiety and over thinking and not being to turn off the thoughts that constantly fill my slightly neurotic brain.

"So, great! What's my next step? Who do you recommend?"

"Oh, we don't do that here."

"You don't? What do you do then?"

"Not that. You'll have to go to your family doctor."

So I did. And now she's recommending me to someone. And this someone, who I will see in two weeks, will be the third psychiatrist I've seen for my anxiety.

The last guy, you may remember, I lost complete faith in after he gave me the sound advice of "trying to stay away from heroin". Or you may not remember. Unfortunately I can't even link to this one as it was part of my "posting my blog on Facebook" purge. Too bad, because if I remember correctly it was pretty hilarious.

The guy before that was about eighty seven years old probably and based his form of therapy on the theory that people with anxiety had giant self esteem issues, and if you didn't actually have giant self esteem issues but still had anxiety you were basically fucked because he didn't have a clue what to do you. So then you paid $100 an hour to listen to him tell you all about the restaurant him and his wife went to where they served shredded beef on a bun and it was really good and you should go try it sometime and, oh, is there still 15 minutes left? Well, why don't you me about some good shredded beef on a bun places that you enjoy. Do you enjoy shredded beef on a bun?

So, I'm really hoping that this new therapist works out. Because last night, after deciding on a topic to write a short story about and writing it in my head and then trying to figure out - again - how my marriage went wrong and then figuring out what I would wear and eat and do the next day, and then wondering what my life would be like if I had kids and what their names would be and what if they were teenagers now and would I really want to end my life because I think that I would if I had a teenager, I managed to convince myself there were spiders in my bed and they were biting me.

So I'm pretty tired.

In my defense though I'm pretty sure something bit me. At least twice.

And it could have been a spider.

Don't judge me.

Send in the clowns

2011-06-21T18:26:00.002-06:00

So, I was reading an article in one of my health magazines about how there was this study done on women who had went through the In Vitro Fertilization process and it was found that the number of processes which were a success were greatly increased if the women who were in recovery were visited by clowns. And I immediately decided that there were several things wrong with this.

First off: WHAT? Secondly: how on earth did this actually get published? And, thirdly: how do results like this actually come about? Like, how does one decide that In Vitro Fertilization has a better success rate if clowns are introduced into the equation. Who actually came up with that idea?

Was it someone who just said one day, "So I've noticed the odds of these women actually having kids is really low what should we do? Hey, I know! CLOWNS!" Or was it a logic thing where a room full of women got a visit from clowns for some reason and all of them ended up having kids as opposed to a room full of women who just got flowers and someone decided that the clowns were the determining factor? Or was it more trial and error where someone was like, "How did the monkeys do? No? Ok, what about the puppies? Nope. Ok, what about the group of clowns? Yes?! BINGO!"

And then I got to thinking that no matter how the idea came about, someone or ones had to actually spend money doing this study. They had to actually spend money to see if having clowns in a room while a woman was recovering made a difference in the success rate. They spent the money studying CLOWNS rather than, oh I don't know, spending the money on actual research towards studying the process itself or maybe the female body to try to see if there is a physical or possibly more scientific reason why some processes stick and others don't. Maybe slightly more scientific than clowns.

And then I thought, does the number of clowns in the room directly correspond to the number of babies the women has? Like, if there were two clowns would the women have twins? And what about those clown cars? You know, the ones where the clowns just keep coming out and you don't know how that many clowns got in there because it seems as if it never ends? What if a clown car drove in there?! WHAT IF THAT HAPPENED?!

And then I decided that I was just going to steer clear of all clowns from now on just in case.

They're kind of assholes anyways.

Speaking of me being awesome...

2011-06-20T19:09:00.000-06:00

First off, I'd like to congratulate myself on running in a 5K run yesterday and beating my previous time by a whole minute. Yes, I am truly awesome. I can still remember my exact thoughts as I pushed myself through that last 1K with the finish line in sight. "I have never been this close to throwing up during a run in my life," I thought. And it was the truth. It was rough my friends. I've let myself get pretty out of shape. And the worst thing is that this run was my "easy starter run" which would lead to a harder 10K in July and then my goal 15K in August. Seeing that I could barely push through the 5, I think I have a bit of work to do.

Right after I finish this beer.

Speaking of training, when you go to the gym and spend all your time sitting on the chest press machine watching a hot guy jump rope, that totally counts right? Because you are actually at the gym. Even if you don't do anything. You're still there. And everyone says just getting to the gym is the hardest part right? So, basically, if I've already done the hardest part there really isn't any point in doing anything else.

Speaking of men, I saw that dude who I went out on a date with previously at the run yesterday, and we hung out with a friend and her husband for a while after the run, and we were talking about how my friend doesn't like going out of town for work because she misses her husband and I was all, "I LOVE going out of town because I don't have anyone to miss and also I love being alone it's so awesome." And then I kept going on about how being alone was so great and I love it so much until dude was like, "Yeah, ok I get it," and I was like, "Woops". So, I pretty much inadvertently ensured that nothing was going to develop further in that area. But I do actually really like being alone. So, joke's on him I guess.

Speaking of running(See how I did that? My post is a perfect circle. I know, super clever), my body is so old and decrepit that, today, a day after the run, I am so sore I can barely fucking walk. I'm pretty sure I am soon going to need a hip replacement. Because I will rip my hip flexors out with my bare hands. I am currently walking like someone who you think might have just had a lot of sex. But you would be wrong. So, sadly, very wrong.

Suckers.

Go green or go break shit.

2011-06-17T09:25:00.000-06:00

On Wednesday night I was torn between watching the hockey game and "cheering for my country" and going to bed at 8pm like a small child. Needless to say, it was a very hard decision to make. In the end I decided to have a glass of wine - because what says "Hockey" better than a glass of Merlot - plop myself in front of the TV, and watch the final game of the Stanley Cup Playoffs. Even though I didn't watch one NHL game at all this season and, really, the only hockey I actually enjoy is the World Juniors because they seem to genuinely value skill over punching, but I sort of felt like I should watch it, and also care, even if I really didn't.

And, let me tell you, I really tried hard to care. When I wasn't intensely focused on playing Scrabble on Facebook or reading blogs and I heard the crowd go "OHHHH" when they almost scored, I briefly looked up from my laptop and went "OHHHH" too. And sometimes, "DARN! Almost!"

But then, about 5 minutes into the third period, when it was pretty clear we weren't going to win and I had run out of blogs to read, I realized that I was right at the beginning. I really didn't care we were losing. And I really didn't care who won.

And then I found out that pre-season CFL started that night also and I was like, Stanley what?

And, of course, there were the riots after and I'm sure if you just googled "I am so EMBARRASSED to be Canadian right now" or "I AM TOTALLY A PART OF HISTORY!" you would find a whole shit-load of blogs on that particular topic so I'm going to pass on writing about it. Mostly because this is pretty much the same thing that always happens when Vancouver wins or loses anything so I really wasn't surprised. And by "Vancouver" I mean "anyone these days".

But I would like to say, if you really want a lesson on how fans should react when they have really high hopes for their team and think that they're totally going to win but then they end up getting the shit beaten out of them, talk to a Saskatchewan Roughrider fan my friends. We deal with that every year. Every. Year. And, what's more, we deal with that every year riot-free. And we still love them. No matter what. We still love them when we almost win the Grey Cup two years ago but don't because we have too many men on the field and we want to scream and yell about how fucking heartbreakingly stupid that was and, yes, we probably did yell that a little bit but did we break shit and set things on fire? No. We met the team at the airport and had a giant rally for them. Well, I didn't because I lived here, but I would have if I still lived in Saskatchewan, and I totally rallied in my heart.

So, in closing, it turns out I did write about it and my posts are slowing becoming filled with lies.

And, also, Go Riders!

Grammar Police!

2011-06-15T19:07:00.000-06:00

I was going to post this on Facebook but I then decided not to because I would likely offend more than the 3 people who read this blog.

So, I'm going to say this once and then I'm never going to say this again: The words "your" and "you're" are different words. Entirely different. They have different meanings. They are not interchangeable. The fact that people my age, people who are educated, people who are otherwise pretty smart, use those two words like they're one, make me fucking weep.

And every time someone writes, "Your going to have to call me" on BBM or Facebook or in an email, and every time I so desperately want to correct them but I don't because it would make me a pretentious bitch, a little part of me dies inside.

And I'm not saying I have the best grasp of grammar because, if you read this blog regularly, it's clear that I don't and I KNOW that if my futile attempt at punctuation was a sound it would be finger nails on a chalkboard and, yes, I know we all make mistakes and sometimes I do write "your" when I mean "you're" but seriously, there are seriously people, people who have graduated from college or university, people who have jobs and read and know many many things, who actually believe that they are the same word.

THEY ARE NOT.

And I can't stand it anymore. I can't. This is basic, basic grammar. If you made it past grade 8 you should know that these two words are different. For the love of god, you should know.

Don't even get me started on "their", "they're", and "there".

And I lied, I'm never going to let this go.

And I'm totally posting it on Facebook.

The date

2011-06-05T08:53:00.001-06:00

I wish I had more to say about the date. I wish I could say that he was awesome and we totally connected. Or I wish I could say it was a train wreck so at least I would have a funny story. But it was really pretty unremarkable. He's nice. We got along. We had coffee. It was....pleasant? I guess pleasant describes it pretty well. I wasn't repulsed so I guess that says something. There wasn't anything wrong with it and that never happens. So, maybe we'll go out again, who knows. I'm pretty indifferent about the whole thing.

He's in marketing so, at the end, I gave him my business card and told him to call if he had any audio/visual staging needs. Romantic, no? So, I guess it was more like a business meeting than a date.

I wonder if I can expense it.

Some days

2011-06-02T19:46:00.000-06:00

You know, some days, when you want to buy something, you just go into the store and find what you're looking for and buy it? Those are the good days.

But then, some days, when you go into the store and you can't find what you're looking for so you're kind of disappointed and then you try to leave but there isn't a way out unless you walk through one of the check-outs and all of the check-outs are full of people and the ones that are empty have racks of merchandise blocking the exits and you really want to leave but you're truly at a loss as to how to get out so you walk back and forth and actually consider picking up a pack of gum and waiting in line just so you can exit the store but then you think that's STUPID because all you want to do is LEAVE for the love of god so you interrupt the 16 year old at customer service who is actually talking to a customer and ask, maybe in a bitchy way, how exactly is one supposed to exit the store and she says, "Like, the exit?" and points to the door and then you feel stupid and then even more stupid when you try to explain that you CAN'T GET TO THE EXIT because all the aisles are blocked with people and crap and then she just looks at you like you're insane and then looks at the guy who she was talking to like, "What the fuck is this old lady's problem" and so then you leave in a huff and push through all the people waiting in line to purchase their items and finally get out and try to look like you're not some idiot who couldn't find their way out of a department store so you start typing something purposeful and important on your Blackberry but you're not really looking where you're going so you trip over a boulevard?

Those days really aren't as good.

So, do you want to get married or what?

2011-05-31T20:44:00.001-06:00

I'm going on a date on Saturday. Like, a real date. Not a date that results from putting my picture on an online dating site and weeding through the creeps and degenerates before settling on someone who "doesn't creep me out entirely" and then realizing that, despite the fact that I have several good friends who've met really awesome guys online, the only ones I can find are currently on their week-long "birthday drunk" or freely throwing out the "C" word as if it were candy.

So, what does one do on a real date? I'm not sure what I'm going to do without the immediate awkwardness and palpable desperation. I'm not sure how to have an actual conversation without trying to efficiently design specific questions that will elicit the responses required to enable me to decide in 30 minutes whether or not I want to continue this pseudo-relationship on to a second date, while at the same time, trying to find the delicate balance between giving the guy a chance and leading him to believe, because I've agreed to a second date, that a connection has been made, thus encouraging him to go home, delete his profile and start picking out baby names.

What do I do without the clever questions that have clearly been asked to many others before me? How will I answer without the slight sense of underlying panic that my answer won't be the one he wants to hear? Or, more realistically, that it will be.

I know, due to my awesomeness, that it will be hard for many of you to believe that I actually haven't been on a non-internet initiated date for probably about 10 years. And I've maybe been on three in my life. And I think I've included my wedding in there as one of those times. Because, really, it was pretty brief.

So, I'm not really sure what to do or how this is going to play out but what I DO know is that I'm going to totally blog the whole thing as it happens to make sure you guys can all be part of the experience. Because nothing says "Awesome Date" like asking someone to repeat themselves because you want to make sure you capture it accurately for your live, up to the minute, blog.

I'm totally kidding. As if I'd live blog a date.

Twitter is so much more efficient.

My review of Bridesmaids but not really.

2011-05-29T15:26:00.001-06:00

I went to see Bridesmaids with a friend last night and **SPOILER ALERT** it was really fucking funny. REALLY fucking funny. Comedies aren't really my favorite film genre because they are so hit and miss and I often just want to leave the theater and ask for my money back because I still, for some reason, continue to be amazed and also horrified at the ways in which toilet and genital humor has advanced, and I'm generally so uncomfortable that I often alternate between extremely nervous laughter or completely hiding my face and wishing I was just waiting in the car.

So, needless to say, I was very pleased when I, not only laughed for almost the entire movie, but I also had to only hide my face once. And, here's a tip, if you're going to go to the movie, and I highly recommend that you do, you will see the the moment I'm talking about coming from a mile a way. So, if you're like me, and you don't think you can handle it, do yourself a favor and just close your eyes for a couple of minutes. And don't look because you're curious as to how far they'll go. It's not as far as they could have gone, but it's far enough my friends.

Which brings me to the second point of this post or, rather, the first point because, despite the fact of blathering on for several preceding paragraphs, a point never really seems to surface. And let me just warn you that before you continue reading, the second/first/only point of this post is a thought that results from the end of the movie and it may or may not be considered a spoiler but, when you think about it, all movies like this basically end the same so it's not really as spoiler-y as you might think.

Have I lost you? Because I'm pretty sure I've lost myself at this point so if you're still following along, congrats. Or, "congrads" as my friend often says because he actually thinks it's derived from the word "Congradulations". Sadly for him, it is not.

Ok, point: Why oh why do all "happy ending" movies always end with the girl getting the guy? Where are the movies that end happily with the girl realizing that she doesn't actually need a man to be happy and decides to become comfortable being with herself and enjoying her OWN company rather than waiting for her dream man to make her feel less empty inside? Where are the movies that end with the woman realizing that she can actually make HERSELF feel less empty inside and, holy shit, single women actually CAN be happy and can continue to be happy and don't have to live their lives as a journey with the dreamed about end result being to land a man, get married and have kids? Where are the movies that end with the woman saying, "Hey, I'm fun! I like being me. I like going out when and where I want all the time and sleeping in when I want and eating what I want and doing what I want and never having to compromise because I'm slightly selfish but that's ok because the only person who has to deal with me is me and vice versa and, despite being lonely sometimes, that's a pretty bitchin' arrangement if I do say so myself."? Where are those movies?

Because, guess what? There ARE actually women out there who think that. And, more importantly, there are women out there who SHOULD think that but don't because every TV show and movie and book out there tells us that the only ending that is "happy" is the ending that has us finally finding true love, thus ending the horrible, unfulfilled life we have lived up to this point in a giant pail of our own tears of self pity. We finally, finally, get what we want in the form of everlasting coupledom and now we can really start living. We can really start living the life we were meant to live. With our true love. Our true and only love.

And even though maybe, just maybe, if we stopped and thought for a minute and maybe stopped searching for our soul mate for 5 seconds and looked inside ourselves, we might realize that all of our problems and insecurities won't actually disappear when we've finally found someone to love us. They will disappear when we finally start to love ourselves.

Now that's a happy ending.

(It's still a good movie though, so go watch it. Go!)

Being an adult is for chumps

2011-05-23T07:56:00.002-06:00

When you are young(er) you kind of have this, apparently misinformed, idea that when you got old(er), for example 35, you would be at a certain place in your life. You know, the place where most other 35 year olds are at; married, kids, house, financial solvency. Or, at the very least, a place where you don't run out of money at the end of every month, have a small amount of savings, and don't have to ask your parents for money when something goes wrong with your car.

And then you get old(er), for example 35, and you're divorced - so, technically you've not only achieved but also surpassed the marriage goal - and you don't have kids - but that's ok because you're really not sure if you want kids anyways because, if we're being completely honest here, most kids annoy the piss out of you so much so that when you come across a group of them on their skateboards, rather than honk your horn or wait for them to get out of your way, you just yell MOVE out your car window like a fucking crazy person - and you're actually thinking that maybe you're doing ok financially because, while you're still living paycheque to paycheque you can still afford to buy the things you want most times and you go out a lot and, even though you can't quite put anything towards savings, you are putting a very small amount of money towards your debt and it doesn't really matter that you're using your credit card more then you should and not quite paying it off enough to make an actual difference because at least you're trying and, really, you're doing the best you can and that's all you can ask for right?

And then you remember that the people who are renting to own your house in Saskatchewan, and have been paying you extra rent to go towards a deposit for two years, are actually due to officially buy your house at the end of May which means you won't be getting that extra amount of deposit money every month, none of which you have actually saved. So you decide to figure out how much less you'll now be getting a month and you think it's about $400.00 and that kind of sucks because, as mentioned before, you're already living paycheque to paycheque and have about $50.00 currently in your savings account.

And then you realize that, somehow - SOMEHOW - you are not, in fact, getting $400.00 less per month but really, $900.00 less per month and you wonder to yourself, and also out loud, how the fuck you let this happen. Seriously. How the fuck.

So you crunch the numbers again and realize that, yes, even without your mortgage payment, you are actually going to be making $900.00 less per month. And you remember that the rent you were charging at the beginning encompassed your mortgage payment as well as the utilities, insurance and taxes and, when your renters started renting to own, they also started paying all of those extra things and you didn't take that into account. Nor did you take into account the fact that when you went from a fixed to a variable mortgage, your mortgage payments went down quite significantly. And then you come to the horrible realization that you are, in fact, totally screwed.

But the good thing is that you realize this in February so at least you can prepare. Or try to prepare. Or panic and call your parents and ask them to support you for the rest of your life. And you choose prepare, somewhat surprisingly. But you also call your parents first and cry a little.

So, the idea is, to make a budget. And not only make a budget, but actually stick to it for longer than a day, something that you've never achieved in your entire adult life. And, somehow, this budget is going to be based on the money you have AFTER you take out $900.00 every month and put it in your savings account which is what you SHOULD HAVE BEEN DOING IN THE FIRST PLACE.

And you do it. And it's really really hard. And you can't go out as much. And you can't just go shopping and buy what you want. And you have to say no to many many things because you can't afford it. And you're thinking of ways you can fit in a meeting with your renters when you fly home for your awesome friend's wedding because then you can claim the flight costs on your taxes.

But you're doing it! And it's working! And you're actually living on $900.00 less per month. And you're even putting a good sum of money towards debt reduction as well as putting money every month into a savings account. And you kind of wish that you maybe had thought of this in your early 20's so that your current life was a bit more established and maybe you wouldn't, at 35, have to be making the choice between buying a pair of shoes and buying vegetables, but at least it's working right? At least you've finally started. And you're on your way to not only paying off your debts but also maybe having a little next egg at some point way off in the future. Like a real adult.

And then you get a call from your lawyer saying that your renters actually cannot get a mortgage because their credit is so shitty so what would you like to do?

And it is at that point that you decide to check out of life entirely and go live in the park.

The End.

Hey. My eyes are up here.

2011-05-17T19:31:00.000-06:00

Remember the good ol' days when we used to talk to each other, face to face, without simultaneously having a conversation with one or several other people on our Blackberry or iphone? Remember when the person to whom you were actually having a physical conversation with was as important, nay, more important than the person who may or may not have just sent you an email? Remember when, if you had to tell a guy to look at your face when he was talking to you, it was because he was looking at your boobs and not his Blackberry? I miss those days.

I miss the days when I could talk to someone and not have them BBM someone at the same time and then actually not even realize that I had stopped talking until I knee them in the groin and walk away. And even when they don't have their smart phone in hand, you know they're not listening to you. Because it's in their pocket. And they keep glancing at it. And their hand keeps touching it. And their eye starts twitching.

Remember when you checked your email only when you were in your office and not right in the middle of a really serious conversation because your alert went off and holy hell you better read that email IMMEDIATELY because what if it's an EMERGENCY?!

Of course, I do all of these things. And I love my Blackberry, I really do. Almost like a child. In fact, I probably love my Blackberry more than I would an actual child. But I also think it's really sad that we seem to have lost the ability to make personal connections with the people we are with because we are so busy trying to make digital connections with the people we are not with. It's gotten to the point where I've almost BBMd someone who I was sitting at the same table with so they'd actually pay attention to what I was saying.

And where does this end? When do we get to the point where people will actually just go out and sit at a table and text each other all night? Or will anyone need to go out at all? What do we actually need human contact for anyways? Texting or SEXting, as it were, could potentially replace foreplay altogether. Two people hook up, text their way into the bedroom and - boom - done. This could really save a lot of time actually. And unnecessary conversation and awkwardness. And having to experience actual "feelings".

Or maybe this is already being done and I've missed the bus on yet another new trend. I honestly would not be surprised.

On another note, just a heads up for all those giant dudes who just like to fucking give 'er when exiting through a revolving door; you may want to take a quick glance behind you to see if anyone, possibly someone significantly smaller than you, might also be exiting via that same revolving door so as not to catapult them out onto the street.

Much appreciated.

Welcome to my shit show.

2011-05-16T20:35:00.000-06:00

BAM! And just like that, I'm back.

Now I'm sure you're wondering to yourselves, is this going to be one of those times when she says she's back and is going to start blogging regularly again and actually does, or is this one of those times when she says she's back and blogs once or twice and then stops again. I am also wondering that.

Or maybe you're wondering if all I'm going to do for the rest of my life is post posts about me starting to blog again every few months, so this blog starts to not be entertaining or informative at all but really just a string of posts about posting.

Or maybe you're wondering at what point did this blog become entertaining or informative.

Regardless, this blog can't actually be a string of posts about posting because I deleted all the other ones so there, suckers. Plus I deleted a crap load of other posts. Yes, that's right, I spent my weekend reading 4 years worth of my own blog and deleting posts because that is the kind of rock star life I'm living right now.

Why did I delete a great amount of posts you may wonder? Because I've decided to come out of the proverbial blog closet, if you will, and share my blog with people and it would really benefit my life to not have the majority of people I know think I'm fucking crazy and also sometimes extremely offensive. Except I just said I was. But most people don't know to what extent the crazy actually goes and I'm mostly, in real life, only offensive in my head so, really, I win that round.

Also, a lot of my posts really sucked. Especially the more recent ones. So it's basically like 2011 and most of 2010 didn't exist. Please play along.

And why am I going to share my blog now after 4 years of not really doing so? Because I want to start writing again and hope this is a way to practice and get feedback. Because, really, what says serious writer like extensive self-censorship right? Exactly. Also, by "feedback" I mean only positive comments. I'm pretty fragile so any negativity could pretty much send me spiraling into a giant void of depression, the likes of which I may never crawl out of, and you wouldn't want someone's ultimate downfall to be on your hands would you? I didn't think so.

In other news, I finally, after living for 35 years in a sleep deprived coma, went to a sleep clinic and stayed overnight to do one of those tests where they stick sensors all over your face and put tubes up your nose and measure things like brain waves and breathing and tears of frustration because how the fuck they expect you to sleep with all that shit stuck to you and wires all over the place and bands strapped around your chest that "should loosen" but really don't, I'll never know.

Needless to say I had to take a sleeping pill. And then another one at 1pm when I still couldn't sleep and she was like, "Really?" and I'm like, "Yes. Really. I feel like a robot".

So then I got nice and drugged up just in time for her to wake me up at 5am so I could drive home.

And you would think that taking sleeping pills before you participate in a test that measures how you naturally sleep would be a bit counterproductive. But you would be wrong I guess because apparently it doesn't.

I'm going for a follow up appointment with my doctor in June and I'm also going to bring up a problem I'm having with joint pain in my foot but, before I go, I think I'm just going to take a handful of codeine and then when she asks where it hurts I'm going to say it doesn't because I took a giant amount of pain killers and then I'll be like, "Solved it!" and then when she looks at me weird like I just completely wasted her time I'll be all, "Isn't this how you guys do things around here?" And then I'll have to go find a new doctor. Again.

Being healthy is hard work.

Vegas Baby!

2011-02-26T11:37:00.002-06:00

I have been crazy busy, yo. We are very busy at work and that extreme business, coupled with my extreme laziness, has sadly prevented me from sharing my exciting life with you.

And I actually have had kind of an exciting life lately. Or, at least, an exciting period. And that period was the 4 days I spent in the larger than life, completely different world, adult playground of Las Vegas.

It would have been really fun if I could have supplemented this post with the endless descriptive pictures I took of my adventures but, in reality, I took about 5. And they were all blurry because I took them with my Blackberry. And I was also very likely drunk. So you're just going to have to use your imagination.

If you're of the great minority who has never been to Vegas(which I was until two weeks ago) I can't actually put into words how incredible it is. How incredibly giant and crazy it is and how it's like stepping into an entirely different world where everything is loud and fun and larger than life. Where you can order a frozen Margarita at a restaurant and walk around the street with it. Where everyone is happy and everything's a party. Where there are giant hotels the size of several city blocks with giant malls and giant theaters with giant shows. Where everything is always open and it's never quiet and nothing ever ends.

I've never experienced anything like it before. And I was in love with it from beginning to end. The weather was awesome. I lounged by the pool. I shopped like I had money and not just credit cards. I went to clubs that had giant waterfalls on the patios and where women lounged in colored water filled bathtubs. I went to my first Cirque show and watched the entire thing with my jaw perpetually dropped, trying to calculate how much strength it takes to shimmy up a metal pole, flip upside down, let yourself fall head first and catch yourself with your inner thighs millimeters from the stage floor.

And, man, did I spend money. I've heard from several people that Vegas is a cheap vacation and let me say to those people, you are liars. Or boring. Vegas is expensive my friends. Especially if you're a man. And I am not clearly but I honestly feel sorry for those in Vegas who are. I spent the majority of my money on cab fare, food, and shopping. If I had to actually pay to get into clubs, which generally charge $40.00-$60.00 cover, I would be far worse off monetarily than I am right now. However, because I'm a woman, and because I was more often than not with three other women, I got in to every club for free. And, not only did we get in for free, we also usually got escorted in by a bouncer with the promise of free drinks. And those weren't just empty promises.

And, of course, after the free drinks it was just a matter of finding a dude who wanted to buy you another one. And that was generally pretty easy. Because about 9 out of 10 of the guys at clubs in Vegas are trying to pick up. And those odds worked for me just fine. I have never been more glad to be a woman than I was for those 4 days. And if you can't take advantage of a situation like that in Vegas, where can you? Answer: Nowhere.

Basically, if you're feeling old and unattractive and want an ego boost, Vegas is the place to go. I got ID'd several times and may or may not have bet a guy I could find a 21 year old to make out with on the dance floor. And I may or may not have won. And I may or may not feel more proud than embarrassed. How did I know he was 21? I made him show me his passport. Yes I did.

It is NOT pathetic. He was cute. Probably.

Now, all of this being said, I will not be going back to Vegas soon. I did have the time of my life and I will be going back again at some point but this is not a lifestyle I can live for more than 4 days without wanting to end my life. Maybe I did(or not) make out with a 21 year old but, in reality, I'm 35 and I cannot in any way party like I did when I was 21. I was so exhausted by the end of this trip that it literally took me a week to recover. And, as you know, I don't use the word "literally" loosely.

And, truth be told, I was super tame compared to the rest of my friends. I came home at 2am when they would come home at 10am. And by "come home" I mean leave some strange dude's hotel room(my friends, not me). I actually stayed home one night when the rest of them went out because I couldn't actually fathom what my body would do to me after clubbing for three nights in a row.

So, I didn't party as hard as I could have and I didn't pick up any guys and I didn't go to any hotel rooms and I didn't go crazy like I used to but you know what? I'm pretty ok with that. I just don't really have the urge anymore to compromise my safety and health and drink myself into a blackout and pick up strange guys in strange places. And, honestly, if I could have changed anything about my experience in Vegas it would have been to party less and go to more shows and see more cool things. And if that makes me old than I guess I'm old.

But I also don't have chlamydia.

And really? That is a true mark of a successful trip.

My review of Tron: Legacy or Why I should not do movie reviews as a career.

2011-01-30T10:54:00.000-06:00

I took my nephew to see Tron: Legacy yesterday and, let me tell you right off the top, I wasn't very excited about it. I was excited to see my nephew because he's an awesome kid and I don't see him much, but I'm not really big on giant block buster movies that are all about spending money on special effects. A good movie to me is more about plot and character development and emotional involvement and less about making things that aren't real look real. Also, I'm not a big fan of Science Fiction or Fantasy and those seem to be the two main movie genres that go all out with the special effects. So, it's mostly lose/lose for me in this type of movie situation.

Now, before you go thinking I'm a giant pretentious movie snob, I should mention that if any of these kind of movies have Matt Damon in them and there's the potential that he'll take his shirt off in one of them, I'm totally there. Which is the main reason I went to see Inception. And I basically spent the whole movie wondering when Matt Damon's character comes in until I realized that I must have somehow gotten Matt Damon mixed up with Leonardo Dicaprio which is crazy because I don't even LIKE Leonardo Dicaprio at all but it turned out good in the end because I really liked the movie. So, I guess I don't dislike all block buster special effects movies but I don't generally make them my first choice.

Anyways, back to my story, I was pretty sure I saw the first Tron in the 80's but I was also pretty sure I thought it was boring and, regardless, didn't remember anything about it so when we sat down and I said, "So, what's this about, robots?" and my nephew was like, "Uh, no" while trying not to roll his eyes, I admit I was a bit curious. The fact that it wasn't about robots was kind of encouraging. And then I remembered that the first one may or may not have been about video games and I wondered if I told my nephew I was going to the washroom but didn't come back for three hours if he would notice. And then I thought he was really smart so he probably would.

Let me also just mention that this movie cost me $32.00. $32.00!!!! For two people to go to a movie. And that's not even including popcorn and a drink for my nephew and a bottle of water for me. That was an extra $15.00. Because my nephew wanted to get a large popcorn so he could get a refill which I thought was fair and a good deal, but it turned out that he barely ate any of it and at the end of the movie I was like, "You are sitting here until you finish that entire giant bag of popcorn young man". Except I didn't really say that. But I did make him take it home.

So, the movie starts and it opens with a young Jeff Bridges and, let me just say this, I have, over the past year or so, developed a love for Jeff Bridges that rivals no other. I'm not sure when it happened or why I suddenly love a crotchety old man but, I think he is fantastic. So when I see him I'm pretty excited and I suddenly remember an article I read in the Globe and Mail about how in some movie Jeff Bridges is digitally altered into a more youthful version of himself and, while reading it, I thought that sounded pretty cool and it turns out that Tron: Legacy was that movie so I got even more excited.

Yes, it takes me a long time to catch on to things.

Now the movie doesn't seem that bad. Not only does it have Jeff Bridges in it but it also has some new technology thing that I actually read about and thought was cool. So, I settle down to watch it.

And it was good! Not just good but REALLY good. I enjoyed it quite a bit. The special effects were cool, the story was good, the music was awesome and the characters were more or less developed. Actually the characters were kind of lame and the acting was a bit forced, but my lover Jeff's fantastic performance made up for all the clichéd blockbuster movie lines so it was ok. There was also a brief performance by Michael Sheen which was awesome.

So, in a nutshell, I don't really know how the movie would go over for big Tron fans who are expecting it to be like the old Tron or better than the old Tron or similar to the old Tron or whatever but, coming from someone who was expecting it to suck, I give it two thumbs up.

And Matt Damon didn't take his shirt off in it even once.

(P.S. You don't need to spend the extra money to see this movie in 3-D. Very few scenes are shot in 3-D and I really don't think it would make that much of a difference. Just sayin'.)

How I spent my Christmas Vacation - By Notquiteawake

2011-01-09T11:38:00.001-06:00

I love Christmas. If it wasn't freezing cold outside it would be my favorite time of year. But unfortunately, because I hate the cold, Christmas is tied for my favorite time of year with anytime of the year that is hot. And I'm well aware of the fact that Christmas just isn't Christmas without snow and you can't have snow if it isn't cold but, whatever, I'm a walking contradiction.

My mom and I get into Christmas pretty hard core. We run into Christmas every year face first with all our traditions and "must do's" and such. The difference between us is that I've learned over the years to dial it down a bit. When I was younger I would get so geared up and have this list of shit that I had to get done and it had to get done perfectly or CHRISTMAS WOULD BE RUINED and I would get really stressed out and upset if something didn't happen exactly how it had happened last year and when Christmas was over I would collapse into a strung out depressed mess for about two weeks, mourning the demise of the best time ever(even though it really wasn't) and sobbing over the fact that I would have to wait a WHOLE YEAR to experience this magical time again(because if it was any sooner it would likely kill me).

Now I actually enjoy Christmas for real instead of forcing myself to experience the crap out of it. If I don't feel like listening to Christmas music I don't listen to Christmas music and I don't feel guilty about it because I ONLY HAVE 4 WEEKS LEFT TO LISTEN TO CHRISTMAS MUSIC SO I BETTER LISTEN TO IT AS MUCH AS I POSSIBLY CAN. Or Christmas is ruined and stuff.

I don't send out Christmas cards because I hate doing them and I've honestly put about 10 years back on my life by not worrying about when should I send out the Christmas cards? Now? Should I send them now? How many should I send out? I don't want to leave anyone out so I should send them out to every single person I have ever talked to in my life right? But I don't have all their addresses. SHIT! I don't have all their addresses! I need all their addresses! I'll just hand deliver them. But what about work? Should I just give them to my friends? But what if people feel left out? I'll just give one to everyone. Even that guy in accounting whose name I don't remember. I'll just put Merry Christmas in that one without a name. Yes. That'll work. And I have to make sure I write something super unique and meaningful in all of them because what if they show each other and they're all the same and what's the point in doing Christmas cards if you don't make them unique and meaningful right? CRAAAAP! I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME!!

And this is why you won't now, and never will, get a Christmas card from me. I don't even do the email thing anymore because the one time I did that when I was married I sent my Mother-in-law one without including my husband's name at the end and she thought we were getting a divorce. Seriously. And I was like, "Are you fucking kidding me? Wait a year."

Seriously.

So, as I was saying, I've thankfully, for my sanity and the sanity of those around me, learned how to love Christmas and all of my traditions while, at the same time, understanding that if something doesn't get done or isn't done perfectly it's not the end of the world.

My Mom, on the other hand, hasn't quite hit that point in her life yet. And, as a consequence of that, one of our family traditions has now become "talking my Mom off the ledge" and it usually happens on more than one occasion during the festive season.

Now, to be fair, my Mom has a lot on her plate over Christmas and she gets so excited about me coming home and wants everything to be perfect and great for me and I get that. I know she misses both my brother and I living there and being there and misses how Christmas used to be for us as a family. Also my brother has never come home for Christmas, and I think she's started to resign herself to the fact that he probably never will, and she tries really hard to keep a stiff upper lip about the whole thing while also trying to make everything perfect. And, really, when something doesn't go as planned on a regular day she loses a small piece of her sanity so when something doesn't go right during CHRISTMAS which is her time to shine, that piece is just slightly larger.

For example, almost burning the house down on a regular day in, say, July would upset you a bit. Almost setting the house on fire during CHRISTMAS is something that precludes a small to medium sized breakdown. Especially when it happens twice.

So, on Christmas Eve Day, 4 hours after she told us not to turn on the oven because the cinnamon buns were in there rising, when I heard her cry of despair while preparing supper I briefly considered grabbing my coat and running out the door. But I didn't. Because I'm a good daughter. Or something.

What I did do was walk into the kitchen which was full of smoke and contained my poor mom who was holding a blackened dish towel which had previously covered the rising cinnamon buns, and gave her a hug and tried my best to convince her that she had not, in fact, ruined Christmas. Nor did she even ruin the cinnamon buns. And even though she didn't now know how long to cook them for because they were already partially cooked, she could probably figure it out. (Yes you could. Because you've made these before. Several times. But they're NOT ruined. They're not even black. No, you didn't ruin Christmas. But you DIDN'T burn the house down. Yes, I'm sure that was your favorite red dish towel but I think you're just grasping at straws now.)

Now let's set the scene for Christmas Day:

Back story: My parents decided long ago that, rather than cook a turkey because it's a great deal of work, we would have chicken for Christmas. Which is fine with me because I like chicken and, really, I'm not making it or paying for it so who the hell cares what I eat.

Ok, here's the scene for real: My dad has just put two chickens on the BBQ because it's unseasonably warm in the Arctic province which I call home. My mom and I are in the kitchen peeling potatoes. Now, it needs to be said that my Dad, quite the opposite from my Mom, is a pretty laid back kind of guy and very rarely swears and actually often chides both my Mom's and my potty mouths. This needs to be said because it will allow you to better understand my surprise when I heard him yell from the living room, "JESUS CHRIST" and run past us faster than I have ever seen him move, out the patio doors. But then I saw the smoke, oh lord the smoke. And I was surprised no longer.

Although, it turns out oddly enough, that in a moment of crisis that is not my Mom's fault, she is as cool as a cucumber and she promptly got a couple of large plates on which my Dad brought in the fully blackened chickens which were shortly before, both on fire.

I waited for the tears. I waited for the breakdown. But, surprisingly, I waited in vain. My Mom continued peeling potatoes and my Dad painstakingly picked all the black off the chickens because "no one eats the skin anyways" and put them in the oven. And they were delicious.

While my Dad was picking off the skin I asked if I should also start something on fire to complete the tradition.

Oh, too soon?

Ok.

Garbage Can Pie

2010-10-24T09:31:00.000-06:00

I'm not sure if many of you know but, since I've stopped training and started drinking again, I've started to gain a bit of weight. It's not that noticeable to the standard observer(at least I don't think it is) but I've noticed and my pants have noticed and neither one of us are very happy with it. So, I've decided to remedy the situation by not working out ever and trying to hone my not so spectacular baking skills by buying a dessert book and eating my way through. Sounds effective no?

And while I'm pretty sure this is not the secret key to rapid weight loss, it's definitely a learning experience and that's what we're all after here right? To learn? Through eating desserts? I thought so.

Unfortunately what I'm learning is that I'm not very good. Some things turn out really well (Red Velvet Cupcakes, Toffee Cake Squares, Banana Cream Pie), some things need some work on the aesthetics but still taste pretty good(Blackberry Custard Pie) and some things that are supposed to be White Chocolate Cupcakes for my bosses birthday actually turn out to be White Chocolate Hockey Pucks that I'm pretty sure people just ate out of pity. Lesson learned: Some recipes should not be doubled. Lesson also learned: I need to buy more things. I'm fairly certain that now that I have a new double broiler, super cool whisk and tart tin, things should work out fine.

I'm also fairly certain that pastry is my nemesis. I have not yet made good pastry. That is now my new life goal. And to buy new pants.

Anyways, the point of this post is not to talk about my ever expanding midsection and my complete lack of motivation to do anything about it other than try to will it away. No, the point of this post is, now that I'm a professional baker, to share with you my most recent creation.

Before I share with you this recipe, let be give you a bit of back story. In my dessert book there are also "savory" recipes to try and, seeing as it is my lifelong goal to overcome my nemesis(pastry: see above) I decided to make these little beef and potato pastry pocket things. Sort of like Pizza Pops but way more awesome and classy.

So, without further adieu, here for your own enjoyment is my recipe for, what I like to call, Garbage Can Pie. If you decide to try it please leave your experience in the comments!

Garbage Can Pie

Ingredients: Many expensive food items

Instructions:

Carefully read pastry recipe to ensure an error free experience.
Decide to use flour that you haven't used in probably a year.
Find bugs in flour.
Throw flour out.
Almost throw up.
Decide, on second thought, to use the flour you just recently purchased.
Make pastry.
Feel really cool and professional using your new pastry cutter to cut the dry ingredients into the wet.
Notice that the dough is quite a bit more wet than it usually is even before you add the required water but decide that's probably the way it's supposed to be and ignore it.
Put dough in fridge to chill.
Make beef and potato filling.
Take dough out of fridge and attempt to roll into 4 "dinner plate" sized circles.
Give up because the dough is oddly very sticky and will not lift up off the counter no matter how much flour you add.
Decide to roll it out into two thicker circles and make one giant meat pie.
Marvel at the beauty of the pie.
Put pie in oven
Wonder why pastry is bubbling and dripping into bottom of oven.
Put cookie sheet under pie to catch drips even though it's really far too late for that.
Cook for an hour.
Check pie.
Wonder why crust isn't cooking at all.
Cook for another hour.
Check pie.
Realize that you did something horribly wrong because crust is still soft and also oddly runny.
Decide to scoop out inside of pie and cook in frying pan.
Decide to call your new creation "Frying Pan Pie"
Congratulate yourself on inventing a new dish!
Take a bite.
Equate that bite to eating a mouthful of pure lard.
Spit it out.
Check the ingredients again and realize you accidentally doubled not only the lard but, somehow, also the butter.
Throw everything in the garbage.
Eat pizza pops.
Congratulate yourself on probably the most epic fail of your baking career.
Go to bed.

In hindsight, this probably is a pretty good weight loss strategy. Maybe I'm on to something.

Boobs!

2010-08-08T17:45:00.000-06:00

You know what I like doing? Fucking with people. I would really like to know how many people were directed to my blog while searching for pictures of boobs. There are no pictures of boobs here. I apologize. Except not really.

Someone was most recently directed to my site by searching for the phrase, "My sister's porn faker blog" and to that I have to say, "What?"

And also under the category of things that make me shake my head and wonder what the hell is wrong with people, is this new show I saw advertised called "Dating in the Dark". Based on only having seen two advertisements and having done zero research, I can now say without hesitation that this is probably one of the most ridiculous ideas for a show I've ever seen.

It looks to me like it involves a room full of evenly matched men and women who try to get to know each other and then make out. In the dark. Without ever seeing the other person. But we can see them because it's shot with those cameras that can see in the dark. I'm not sure if the lesson we're trying to learn is that "looks aren't everything" or "some people will do anything to get on TV" or what but this just seems way off the charts of complete idiocy to me.

Now, I'm not a fan of Reality TV to begin with and the only thing I like about shows like The Bachelor and The Bachelorette are the hilarious recaps of Amanda and Tyler, but this one really seems to go over the top.

And how exciting is this going to be to watch? How much can you get out of several couples groping each other in the dark. And THEN groping some dude or chick that some OTHER dude or chick has groped. And what are these people thinking? "I sure hope this chick I'm making out with in the dark thinks I'm a better kisser than the dude that kissed her immediately before me", or "I sure hope this chick I'm making out with is actually a chick". Because that would be pretty fucking embarrassing. Or would it? Would it really be at this point.

And this got me thinking about myself and the perpetual single state that I'm in and I asked myself if I would ever do something like this or the Bachelor or something of a similar vein to see if I could find a boyfriend. And my answer to myself was no. Hell. No. Not even if you paid me. Well, maybe if you paid me a lot.

And then I asked myself if I wanted some ice cream. And the answer to that was yes. Except I don't have ice cream. So this post has taken a very sad turn.

I apologize to those who were searching for ice cream. Or ice cream boobs. Or boobs in ice cream. Nothing to see here. Carry on.

Good Morning!

2010-08-02T12:41:00.001-06:00

This morning I opened my patio door and was very unpleasantly surprised to find a small dead animal on my welcome mat. Or, more accurately, pieces of a small dead animal covered in flies and wasps. It took me a few seconds to actually register what I was looking at but then, after almost puking on my carpet, I forced myself to clean it up before I had breakfast. Not that I felt like eating anything.

Now, I must say my first reaction was to just close the door and pretend it wasn't there until my morning stomach had settled but, seeing as my patio doors are glass and I eat my breakfast right beside them, I figured I would just suck it up, not call my landlord, and clean it up myself. Plus my landlord wasn't home but, whatever.

As I was picking up the chunks of whatever small creature it happened to have been, aside from thinking that this was the most fucking disgusting thing I've ever done, I was also thinking that THIS is why I need a boyfriend. I need a boyfriend who I can call in situations like this and be like, "Hey. There's dead shit on my patio. Please come and clean it up".

But then after he was done he'd probably want to stay and hang out and I'd be all, "No, you have to leave because I'm going to spin class, I'll call you after I've had a couple of beers and feel like having sex," so I'm a bit torn about the whole situation. Have a boyfriend and not have to clean dead shit off my patio and have sex when I want or not have a boyfriend and have the freedom of doing what I want all the time.

Isn't it funny how I'm making this seem like I actually have a choice? Because there are so many dudes wanting to date me right now. So many.

So, then I went to spin class and I've been to spin class before but not this particular spin class and, holy shit, this particular spin class almost killed me. At the end she's like, "Two more tracks left!" and I'm like, "Thank christ!" and then after the two tracks I was so proud of myself because I actually did it and she's like, "Who wants to do one more!??!!" and I yelled, "NO!!" but then everyone else put up their hand so she's like, "Yeah! Let's push it!!" and then I started crying a little bit.

But at least I can't walk now so that's good. Plus my knee is throbbing.

So, all in all, pretty worth getting up today.

Actually, all negativity aside, it was a really good workout and I liked it. Plus the not being able to walk gives me a really good excuse to do nothing for the rest of the day.

Sweet.

Spelunking

2010-07-10T10:40:00.000-06:00

The thing I really like about living here, aside from the mice and the cockroaches, is that it's kind of like living in a cave. Despite living on the main floor of a house, my cell phone and blackberry reception is shit and my internet will often just crap out for no reason and I get the "Oops! Google Chrome could not find..." whatever I was looking for and, I like Google Chrome more or less but I think I would be less likely to want to punch things if they took that "Opps!" out of there. It seems so dick-headidly patronizing to me. "Woopsie Daisy! We can't find your link moron! Maybe try the real link? Because this one doesn't exist?" I bet the concept was developed by this passive aggressive wonder.

The good news is that I haven't seen a cockroach or mouse dropping since the weekend I moved in which is promising. Although I did block off the places I had seen them with coffee tables and baskets so I wouldn't start checking the areas obsessively as I tend to do sometimes(all of the times).

Also, my plants are dying because there are no windows in the house that sun actually enters. See? Even the sun does not want to be here. It's very "Flowers in the Attic"- ish. Except I'm not sleeping with my brother.

Gross.

But I'm moving in a week! And I'm pretty excited, naturally. My new place is mere blocks from the beach and Queen Street which is where all the cool shops and stuff are. And it has a giant deck and patio doors and a huge bedroom and air conditioning and a bathtub so I can actually shave my legs without falling over. True story.

And I think I might actually have a shower today and maybe go out and do something. Although I don't really want to go overboard and do anything that might affect my newly acquired degenerate hermit status.

Baby steps.

Living the nightmare

2010-07-04T15:39:00.003-06:00

So, I'm not sure what I did in my past life/lives to piss off the part of the universe that's in charge of housing but, holy shit, I must have done something really bad like kill one of their family members because that's really the only explanation I have for why I keep ending up living in the places I do.

Let's reacap the last month or so. I would recap my whole craptacular renting/owning history but I really have only one lifetime so, if you're interested, you can find some stories here, here, here, here, here, here and here.

Very well then.

You may remember from my sporadic posting that I had found a place in Toronto and it was super cute and I was super pumped and the property agent seemed really nice and she was going to get professional cleaners in and I had hired movers so the move would be great?! Right?! Remember?!

So, I went over to the place the night before the move to get the key which the previous tenant had hidden (very well by the way) because the property manager couldn't really be bothered to come by and give it to me herself, and I had been really excited all day because I was going to my brand new great place in Toronto where I would be living for at least the next year because I had signed a lease and my fun life in Toronto could finally begin!

I figured that if I headed over after work the cleaners would for sure be done and I could walk around and plan where I was going to put things and drop off some stuff that I had bought especially for my new place. But the cleaners weren't actually done. Why? Because they never came. And the place was a disgusting mess. The floor, the counters, the walls, the fridge, the stove, the bathroom. It actually smelled. It was one of those times were I was actually afraid to touch anything. But I did. I opened cupboards and the one closet and SURPRISE! there was crap still inside almost every one.

So, I did what anyone would do. I cried a little bit, composed myself, and I phoned the property management office and explained the situation. No one called me back. When I got home, I emailed the property manager I was dealing with specifically. No response.

Now, before you call me a sissy little cry baby because I know that's what you're thinking, I just want to explain how overwhelmingly dirty the place was. This wasn't just some light housekeeping I was going to have to do to get things cleaned the way I liked them before I unpacked my stuff. I would have rather put my purse on a public washroom floor then on the counter. And, yes, I had looked at the place before but it was a month ago and the woman was moving and had stuff all over the place so I didn't notice.

Saturday morning I called the office again and left a message to have someone please call me back to address the situation. Of course no one did.

So, I moved. And, let me tell you, movers or not? Moving alone is really really depressing. I had thought I would be fine by myself so I didn't ask for help and turned down the one person who offered, but it really kind of sucks having no one to talk to or plan with or complain to. And, believe me when I tell you this, the feeling you have after the movers leave and you're by yourself in a tiny, disgusting apartment with no room to move or sit because you have too much stuff and it's to dirty to sit anywhere anyways? That feeling is the most sad, lonely, overwhelming feeling in the world. And you just want to leave all your stuff and move back home with your parents forever. Or at least have them there to give you a hug and tell you everything will be fine and you're not going to turn 35 all alone and live in crappy apartments for the rest of your life.

So, I started cleaning. And cleaned for the rest of the day. Then I phoned my parents and cried. Then I cleaned some more.

Then I emailed the property manager again to tell her about the screenless windows, and the oven vent that was hanging onto the ceiling with one screw and propped up with a piece of wood I found in a pile of garbage on the bathroom floor, and the leaking shower and the leaking washing machine, and the moldy smell in the bathroom and the broken doorbell and the fact that I didn't have a key to the deadbolts.

And later on that evening I emailed her about the pile of mouse droppings.

And this morning I emailed her about the cockroaches.

She did actually send me back a short note on Saturday morning letting me know that she was away for the long weekend and we could talk about it on Monday. I REALLY really hope I didn't ruin her long weekend with my emails. It would really suck to have your long weekend ruined by wondering if you should actually be doing your job.

On a good note, I've decided to just eat pizza and deep fried chocolate pizza dough from this point on and never exercise so at least I won't have the pressure of trying to look good and be healthy anymore. That's a load off.

And, don't worry, I'm sure I'll be happy and positive again in no time because that's what I keep doing. I must admit it is getting tiring though.

The best part was when my Dad innocently suggested that maybe it was time that I got a boyfriend and was genuinely surprised when he found out that the past three years of being single were not self imposed.

He's so cute.

Have you ever...

2010-06-27T15:06:00.000-06:00

Have you ever had one of those days when, despite doing an hour of hot yoga, you still have to change your pants twice before leaving the house because you know you've started gaining weight and don't like the way you look in pants at all right now and then at Starbucks you see a woman who easily has 10 years on you AND a teenage daughter and is rocking super short shorts and doesn't look ridiculous because she has a smoking hot body and it sort of makes you want to kick her in the teeth?

No?

Yeah, me neither.

"Things I want to do before I'm 35" #25 - Go through all my crap and donate a load of it to The Salvation Army.

2010-06-27T12:36:00.001-06:00

I've had to downsize significantly for my impending move. I moved a house-load of stuff to Ontario and, so far, with the help of my brother's in-law's storage company and my current cheap two bedroom apartment, I've been able to keep it all. But now I'm moving to the big city. The big city with big prices and small spaces. And I no longer have room for my giant coffee table set and boxes of crap that I "might need later" and my lawnmower? What? Why on earth did I bring that.

So, in short, it's been quite a process but I've managed to almost cut my belongings in half. I sold a bunch on Kijiji, gave another bunch to friends, but still ended up with 3 boxes full of household items and a box full of blankets so I decided I'd be a good person and donate them to The Salvation Army and the Humane Society respectively.

Some of the charities pick up but none were picking up until July so I found out where the drop-off place was, lugged four boxes down to the parking garage under my building and set out yesterday, in the pouring rain, to take them in myself.

Never having given to charities in person before, I wasn't really sure of what to expect. But I sort of expected some sort of gratitude or happiness or, perhaps, even a small amount of politeness. I got none of those things.

While pulling up to the back door, a cranky looking bearded man started approaching my car so I opened my window to let him know that I had few boxes to drop off and, before I even opened my mouth he barked out, "WE'RE ONLY TAKING CLOTHES." "Oh", I said, "I was told..." "WELL, IT'S FIRST COME, FIRST SERVE". And he said that even if I had clothes, I would have to wait until after the truck in front of me had unloaded and he really couldn't even guarantee that they would take my clothes anyways. Because it had been a CRAZY week. After a good eye roll, he told me to try the Good Will. But DON'T tell them HE sent me. If I even bother going because they probably won't have room for my stuff either.

It must be really tough having a CRAZY WEEK of people giving to charity.

So I went to the next place and stood out in the rain in the back until some woman opened the door with such force she almost knocked me over. "What", she said. "I have a few boxes here to donate?" I sort of asked because she seriously looked like she was going to punch me in the face. "Yeah?", she said. "Are you taking donations?"(please don't punch me). "Yeah", she says. And, just to paint you a picture, she's just standing there, leaning against the wall, not moving to help me or ask me where the boxes are, looking at me like I'm just the hugest inconvenience that ever existed so I don't even know what to say or what do to do so I start asking her where I should go and she interrupts me with a giant sigh and looks at me like I'm incredibly stupid and obviously I should GIVE HER the boxes you fucking moron.

And so I do. And each time I hand her a box she looks like I'm handing her a box of all of her broken dreams and disappointments and, you know, I didn't really expect her to kiss my feet or anything but a "thank you" might have been nice before she slammed the door in my face.

So, I was a bit disappointed after that. And it wasn't like I was giving 4 boxes of books or broken dishes or soiled bedding or anything. It was good stuff. I threw all the crap in the garbage. And, really, I know you don't give to charity to get something back, and it wasn't as if I was expecting a parade in my honor or anything, but I sort of was expecting a "thank you". Is that wrong?

On the positive side, the people at the Humane Society were really nice and seemed thrilled to get the blankets and said thank you and everything. They even gave me some tips on cat adoption. So the day wasn't all bad, it just sort of left me with a bad taste in my mouth that, by donating, I seemed to be severely inconveniencing two separate organizations that exist solely to help others.

But, whatever, I got to cross something else off my list. And that's all that matters right? Screw charity.

Stats

2010-06-25T20:25:00.000-06:00

I've found, while periodically monitoring my stats counter, that more people read my blog when I actually post something.

Hm. Interesting.

I've also found that someone found my blog while searching for this:

"Faker web page on beeter eating"

The hell? What does that even mean? Is beeter eating some kind of sexual act that I've never heard of before and then have to look up on Google when I hear someone say it and pretend I know what they're talking about? Because that's happened before. All you have to do is be like, "Oh my GOD I can't believe you said that," and roll your eyes and shake your head all knowingly even though you have no idea what a Moustache Ride is. And then when someone asks you later what it is you just laugh softly because they are so sexually uneducated and then tell them that if they don't know that now it's not your place to tell them and also, you have a really important meeting coming up so could they please leave your office?

It just occurred to me that they could have meant "better" eating.

Whatev's. Welcome to my blog, pervert.

Seriously though, if you stuck around, welcome for real. I'm not actually an asshole.

Nah, I am.

GOOD MORNING!

2010-06-22T05:04:00.002-06:00

I'm pretty sure that nothing is better than logging on to Facebook first think in the morning and seeing, right at the top of the page, that your ex-husband is engaged.

To the woman he started dating four months after you separated.

And also knowing that you haven't dated anyone since then.

And probably never will.

It's going to be a wonderful Tuesday.

Ummm.....Mr. Landord? My jet tub doesn't seem to be working properly...can you come and take a look at it?

2010-06-04T19:59:00.001-06:00

I've been apartment hunting which, until this week, was an activity I was doing sort of semi-half-assed because I figured looking for a place for July 1st was kind of a pointless thing to do in May because all the places would be available for June 1st and not July so I thought, hey, I'll be super picky until June and then I'll have my pick of all the many many sweet places. I will be overwhelmed with all of the variety and goodness and my only choice will basically be to chose which place is more perfect than all of the rest.

You may guess where I'm going with this.

It turns out there aren't a whole lot of places available. There's this awesome website called Viewit.ca which lists all the rentals for a specific area and shows pictures and stuff and it's really great because you can see the place before you actually go and physically take a look but it's become clear that the people taking these pictures really know how to make a place look much better than it actually looks in real life. Much better. Like, "seriously this is a bedroom?" better and "has this bathroom ever been cleaned?" better.

Fortunately tonight I found one that I really liked. It's on the top floor of a house so I don't have to worry about assholes stomping around all the time, it's non-smoking, newly renovated, very clean, new everything, JET BATHTUB!, reasonable rent, good area, close-ish to the beach and cool little shops, and it has a HUGE attic above the living room which I can use for storage or another room or something. It's really cool. Did I mention it had a jet tub?

I filled out an application and now the landlord has to talk to the other owners and do a credit and reference check so, fingers crossed! Apparently it's pretty hard to find a place here and he's had lots of people looking so I'm not going to get my hopes up but the BEST part is the landlord is a super cute 28 year old who I would totally sleep with if I had to. And also if I didn't.

I'm really hoping I get it. Because the next apartment I looked at was shown to me by Tony Soprano I think who basically opened the door, stepped in, told me how awesome it was and what a great deal I'd be getting and that the best burger joint in town was just down the street and, by the way, he knew the owner, and that it wasn't "small" it was "cozy" and walked out. And then I think he tried to sell me a car.

The last place I looked at tonight was shown to me by a very loud, red-faced woman who was clearly drunk and told me 5 times in the 30 seconds it took me to see how incredibly small the place was, that she collected furniture and she does gardening when she's stressed and, when I asked if the rent was $950 plus utilities because that was what the ad said, she told me in between sips of beer, which she was drinking from a wine glass, that, no, it was $1150 inclusive and that she was a REAL ESTATE AGENT and that she's shown some REAL SHIT HOLES and she knows what's going on so DON'T EVEN TRY TO NEGOTIATE. And I was like, holy fuck man, I was just asking you to verify your ad. And please put your boob back inside your shirt.

In unrelated news, my parents were here for a visit last week and that went really well. My favorite moment was when I took them to a really great Thai place here and my Dad decided he was going to try speaking in an Italian accent for some reason and, it turns out, his Italian accent sounds very very similar to that of an Oriental person. Did I mention we were in a Thai restaurant?

Yes, I believe that I did.

The people in your neighborhood.

2010-05-29T18:45:00.000-06:00

Dear neighbor who stood on his balcony yelling expletives at his wife and telling her she was useless,

Thanks for saving up that shit for when my parents were here. That was pretty awesome of you. I haven't heard a peep out of anyone until today when my mom decided to go out on the balcony and you decided to be a dick. Now they truly fear that I'm living in some sort of suburban ghetto and will likely not rest until I move.

Again, thanks.

Also, you are a total douche.

Sincerely,

Me

So far my day's been pretty awesome.

2010-05-24T12:21:00.001-06:00

Dear Neighbours Who Live Underneath Me,

First off, I really want to apologize for the huge bang and subsequent clanging noises at around 11am today. That was my bed completely falling apart after I realized a support bar had come off and was trying to jiggle it back on. I'm sure you appreciated the fact that there was no loud swearing that followed. This is mainly because I was so shocked after watching my entire bed collapse that no words could be formed. You likely did not hear the silent tears.

I also wanted to apologize for the 7 or 8 loud metallic clangs around 11:30am. This happened because I couldn't figure out how to get under the bed to tighten the screws so I decided to turn the extremely heavy frame on it's side which is when the bars that I had attached all fell off again. And also the giant metal foot of the bed. I'm sure I don't need to tell you how loud that was hey? Ha ha. The clanging about a half an hour after that is when all the bars fell off again and I realized that I was probably doing it wrong. The "FUCK ME" you likely heard was when I realized that I had no idea how to do it right. But then I figured out how to do it so it's ok. And even though it took me an hour THIS time, think how quick I'm going to be able to do it NEXT time I need to put my bed together. Everything happens for a reason right?

You may have wondered what the "no no no NO NO NO NO" was relating to. That was when I was trying to lower my very heavy box spring down to the floor so I could slide it on the frame and I lost control and it started sliding and slowly fell on me, crushing me to the floor. That was pretty sweet. Once those buggers start falling there really is no stopping them apparently. I apologize for that yelling as well.

If it makes a difference, I will be moving in a month so you won't have to worry about any more noise. Hopefully you can wait that long.

Sincerely,
Me.

** ** **

Today as I was microwaving my lunch and wondering why my crappy little microwave was making weird noises, I was taken back to the time a few years ago when I was living in a different city in a different house with a different microwave and I was wondering why this particular microwave wasn't heating up food as fast as it used to. So, I took my food out and stuck my hand inside to see if I could feel anything blocking the metal plate on top and realized that yes, there was something blocking the plate on top. An entire wiener. An entire wiener was stuck to the metal plate on the top of the inside of the microwave. "How does that happen", I asked myself. "How does someone miss an entire wiener? If you put two wieners in the microwave to cook and only one comes out wouldn't you wonder what happened? Wouldn't you question the whereabouts of the other wiener?"

And then I remembered I was married. Mystery solved.

The Rant - Facebook Edition

2010-05-23T17:07:00.000-06:00

Here's something that bothers me.

I find it really hard to sympathize, and also understand, the numerous people who have a problem with Facebook getting all up in their privacy grill. I'm having a problem understanding because I'm not sure what people are expecting from a public social networking site. And this is why:

It's a PUBLIC SOCIAL NETWORKING site. Public. For social networking. If you're posting shit on Facebook that you don't want other people to see, maybe ask yourself why you're posting it on a social networking site in the first place. It's not like Facebook is coming into your house and stealing your photo albums and journals and posting them on the internet. You are. You're posting your photos and journals on the internet. On the INTERNET. Which brings me to my second point...
It's the INTERNET you're posting things on. The concept of the internet is not new, nor is the concept of really smart people, and even really dumb people hacking into websites and stealing information from places they're technically not allowed into. This happens all the time. If you want to keep something super private than don't post it on the internet and especially don't post it on Facebook which is, I believe I've mentioned before, a social networking site.
It's a free social networking site. I`m really at a loss to explain why people constantly complain about something that`s provided to them for free. Facebook is a huge deal right now and has some really cool, positive things like helping others connect with long lost friends or spying on other people or soft core stalking and even games which apparently have farm themes and are probably really fun if you`re into farm games which I'm not but, whatever, my point is that it's free. It's like when you order pizza in at work and your boss pays for it because he's really cool and, instead of being grateful for the free meal, all people do is bitch because there's no pineapple on it. Or there IS pineapple on it. People too often take free things for granted. It's like there's this sense of entitlement because, thanks to technology, everything these days is so easily accessible. Remember the days when we used to write letters? On paper? With real words? And syllables? Or talk on the phone? Or even in person? Take a second to remember(if you're even old enough) way back when it actually took an effort to communicate and tell me that we don't have a pretty sweet deal right now.
Why are you posting half naked pictures of yourself or pictures of you cheating on your husband or putting shit in your status that you don't want people to see anyways? If you put something like, "I hate my job and my boss is an asshole," in your status and he finds out and you get fired? Guess what? You kind of deserve it. How's that different from saying it out loud in the lunchroom and he overhears? It isn't. If you're ~~dumb~~ brave enough to say or write that in a public place then you really need to deal with the consequences. And I know what you're going to say here but...
Let's face it, Facebook IS a public place. And it always will be. No matter how many privacy settings you turn on or off and no matter how many people threaten to leave because Facebook is invading their super private lives, Facebook will always be a public place. And?
That's why it's fun. You just need to use it properly. If you're looking for a place for all your private thoughts, keep a journal. A written journal. And keep it under your bed or something. Pictures can be printed out and put in private albums. Don't post revealing statuses. Or any statuses for that matter. I'm sure everyone can make it through the day without knowing you're going to the gym again.

Aaaaand done.

P.S. I'm expecting some flak to come from this post so feel free to disagree in the comments. I respect others' opinions even though I'm totally right. Don't be an asshole though. Or I'll post that you are on Facebook.

Dear Starbucks, are you hiring? Call me.

2010-04-18T17:17:00.000-06:00

So, as most of you know, I've been trying to find a new job because I hate my current one so much that I often want to run screaming from the building. I've mostly been applying to jobs in my field in Calgary but have also started applying here because anything, my friends, is better than telephone banking at this point, even if it means staying in Ontario. And so I decided, because I wasn't getting any callbacks from jobs that were actually listed, that I would just apply to all the Event Planning companies in Calgary just in case they were hiring because the squeaky wheel gets the grease and all that. And this is a really long process which is still incomplete because apparently there are a thousand Event Planning companies there which could possibly explain why the Event Planning industry is really shitty right now according to one of the people who actually responded to my email. Maybe you guys should group together or something instead of having a thousand event companies of one or two people competing for all the events. Just a thought.

Anyways, very few people have responded but my favorite response that I HAVE gotten so far has been this:

Thank you for your inquiry however I just looked on our website and we don't have any current job postings to apply for? Did you mean to inquire with us? It's always best to apply at companies that have current postings and at this time, we do not.

So, I guess it's always best to apply at companies that HAVE current postings. Rather than apply to companies that do NOT have current postings. I guess that's where I was going wrong. I'm so glad she sent me that useful piece of information because it had not even occurred to me to actually apply to companies who had job postings. Thank. You. So. Much.

But I'm actually glad that she wasn't hiring? Because if she actually talks the way she writes? And makes every sentence she says a question? I think I would want to punch her in the face? All the time?

It's also awesome that she had to check the website to see if they were hiring. Unless she was being a passive aggressive bitch and that was her way of telling me to check the website for job postings. I hate her even more now.

And, in case you're wondering, my new glasses fucking rock people. Fucking. Rock. I would take pictures but then I would have to post a close up of my face and that's not appealing to anyone.

You're just going to have to take my word for it.

FINALLY I can stop watching that wedding video on youtube.

2010-04-17T13:27:00.001-06:00

Today I heard Forever by Chris Brown on the radio and I was super pumped because I haven't heard it played on the radio since the whole "beat the crap out of his girlfriend" thing and while I'm really really against people beating the crap out of their girlfriends, I also really really like that song so I was a bit torn when they stopped playing it. So, while I was rocking out in my car I gave a silent thank you to all that is holy that the day has finally come when I FINALLY don't have to chose between moral reprehensibility and song enjoyment. That's a load off my chest.

** ** **

I have underground parking in my building and basically it's like parking in a dank, dark, filthy, underground prison so I was kind of not looking forward to parking there when I bring my parents over to see my place when they come visit in May but I have to park down there so what do I do right? And then yesterday I noticed that, to make things even better, someone has drawn a giant penis in dust on the windshield of the car that directly faces mine and I'm not sure what to do because I definitely don't want to touch it because I'm pretty sure that the car has been sitting there since the beginning of time and if I do touch it, it will disintegrate beneath my hand so I'm thinking maybe if I pretend it's not there my parents won't notice but it's pretty hard not to notice a giant penis drawn on a windshield and it's a pretty good drawing too so it's not even like I could pretend it was something else. Maybe when we drive up I'll just tell them to close their eyes because I have a surprise for them and later when they ask what the surprise was I could day, "Surprise! You don't get to see that your daughter lives in an apartment where there are drawings of male genitalia!" Yeah, I think that's what I'll do.

** ** **

So, I've decided to take full advantage of my health benefits and went and bought new glasses today. I haven't gotten new glasses for probably about 10 years so I'm well overdue for some new ones, and I was in the store today trying them on and carefully calculating how much I could spend so that I would not go over the allowable $300.00 limit because, as I've mentioned before, I'm poor, when this lady comes in to get her glasses fixed and her daughter's like, "Now remember mom, you're just getting them fixed, you're not getting new ones this time, " and they laugh because I guess this is a common occurrence, and then, while she's talking to the guy at the counter she starts trying glasses on and finds a pair that she TOTALLY HAS TO HAVE so she's like, "Yeah, I guess I'll get these," like she's purchasing a carton of milk and then the guy's like, "These are $500.00 but if you get another pair they're only $600.00 for both," and she's all, "Oh, sure I guess I could get another pair," like $600.00 is just something she would normally carry in her purse, and then she's like, "So, if I brought in my 12 pair case, could I trade it in for a 15 pair case for free?" and I'm like, "WHAT?!" because I've basically been wearing the same ONE pair of glasses which are scratched to shit for 10 years because I couldn't afford to pay for ONE pair of glasses and I'm just astonished that cases exist out there that hold 15 pairs because that means that more than one person actually has 15 pairs of glasses that they wear on a regular basis. Buying glasses for me was such a big deal today that I can't even imagine going into a store to get my glasses fixed and then just picking up a couple of extra, spur of the moment, pairs. What the hell? It's like going to get an oil change at a dealership and then just "picking up" an extra car because you don't have a red one. Well, it's not like that at all because a car is way more expensive but, man, I still wish I could do it.

** ** **

Speaking of cars, I went to my physio appointment yesterday and I was telling her about all the stuff I've done now to help my knees and my back like purchasing the pillow and the back roll thing and some new orthodics and new shoes and I'm pretty broke right now but it's all totally worth it to feel better right? And then I said that I usually take a couple of Advil before I go to bed because my left knee hurts from driving home because I have a standard and driving a standard in Toronto traffic and on the highway for an hour is not the most fun ever and, by the end, my knee and foot really hurt from constantly pushing in the clutch and she says, "Oh, that's not good. Have you looked into getting a new car?" And I'm like, "Seriously? No. No I have not looked into purchasing a new car because my knee hurts. Advil is significantly cheaper than a new car right now so I'm just going to continue to take the Advil until my health insurance covers vehicles ok?" I sometimes don't really understand the people that live here.

** ** **

And, finally, I went to see Date Night last night and it was a bit silly but otherwise really good. I would recommend it. Mark Wahlberg is in it as a secondary character and even if you don't like Tina Fey or Steve Carell for some reason, Mark Wahlberg has his shirt of for the ENTIRE TIME he's on screen. Totally worth it.

Lessons

2010-04-01T22:28:00.004-06:00

Remember that time I had a blog but never posted because every spare second I had was spent working on my crap ass Event Management Final Project and not going to the gym ever so now I feel like a fat pig? Remember that? Yeah, good times.

Anyways, here are a few lessons I've learned in the last week or so:

1) There are certain people who can enjoy working in a sales-driven telephone banking job. It turns out that I'm not one of them. I'm not sure if it's the complaining or the being talked down to or the being sworn at or the crying or the sales targets or the extremely regimented quality control that makes me hate it. Oh, no wait. I am sure. It's all of those things. All of those things make me hate it. I think I would be ok if I just had to deal with the first four, but to tie in the aggressive sales targets really seems to have pushed me over the "not entirely enjoying my job" edge. Way over. And I know you're thinking, "Dude, you knew it was a sales job when you went into it didn't you?" And, you're right. I did know. And I made a choice. Basically I chose, rather than working at a job that I sort of liked that was killing my back and knees and didn't pay me enough to live, I would chose a job that did pay me enough to live but, in fact, would slowly start to suck the will to continue with that living right out of me. I think I made the right decision but just barely. Luckily I have my backup plan of having my dream job in Event Planning handed to me immediately after I finish my final project. Phew right?

2) So, I was driving around in the underground parking lot at work the other day and I was about to turn the corner when I noticed a guy coming from the other direction and I was all YOU'RE NOT TAKING MY SPOT so I whipped in front of him and took the next available spot before he could even THINK about getting there and I was like, SUCKER! And then I ran into the wall with my car. Karma is a bitch my friends.

3) The third thing I learned this week was that I can now easily see how people completely lose their minds in gridlock traffic and just jump out of their car and start shooting people. I could actually envision my mind snapping today as I waited for the cars in front of me to move. I don't understand how, with three, and sometimes four, lanes of traffic there are still pockets of the highway where traffic comes to a virtual standstill. No, actually I do understand. It's because many many people driving on the highway should not be driving on the highway. They should be walking. Or taking public transit. They should not be driving. Or, at least, not while I'm driving. Which is a good portion of the day it seems. There needs to be a course or a pamphlet or something that explains the rules of the highway. I could easily teach that course. And it would take all of five minutes. And everyone would have to sign a contract that showed they understood the rules. And then we would all have ice cream. You know, just to show how nice I am, I'm going to give all of you that course free of charge. This is worth it's weight in gold if you're ever planning on doing some highway driving. It will also save me from shooting you if I do happen to lose my mind at some point. Feel free to take notes:

If there are three lanes of traffic, the one on the far right is the slow lane. If you are one of the many many people who like to drive on a major highway at exactly the speed limit(100 km/hr for those who don't know) or under, than feel free to drive in that lane. Feel free to go as slow as you want. I don't care.

HOWEVER, if you choose to go in the middle lane AND LISTEN CAREFULLY, you have to be going at least 110. If you are uncomfortable with that, go back into the slow lane. I don't care if someone in front of you is going 80 and you want to go 100. I don't care. Stay in the slow lane because, technically at 100, you are still a slow person. You're just going to have to deal with that. There is no reason at all why you should be going under 110 in the middle lane. Maybe if you suddenly go blind. Or have a heart attack. Then it's ok.

The lane on the far left is the FAST lane. Fast. You need to go fast in this lane. If you are going under 120 you are not going fast. Change lanes. If I am behind you and you're only going 100 in this lane don't ever stop anywhere because I may get out of my car and hurt you. There is no reason AT ALL why you should be going slower than 120 in this lane. Even if you suddenly go blind or have a heart attack. If this happens to you, just swerve to the right so I can pass you. What ever happens to you after that is in God's hands I guess.

And, speaking of God, Happy Easter everyone!

Best. Segway. Ever.

Stupid jerk day for jerks.

2010-03-23T21:55:00.005-06:00

So, today was pretty much the most awesome day of all time. Except the opposite of that.

Work kind of sucked because I didn’t do much in the way of sales and by the end of the night I was just so tired of asking people if they wanted a personal line of credit or tax free savings account and so discouraged that no one wanted anything that I just wanted to go home and eat and go to bed.

But I had to stop for a few groceries and found that apparently the staff the grocery stores hire to work their overnight shift aren’t really as bright as they could be because the guy, when he couldn’t find the price for a bag of 4 avocados decided to ring in the price for 4 separate avocados because, “That’s like, the same price right?” and I’m like, “No actually. No it isn’t the same price,” so he had to go find a manager because he couldn't void things by himself but then he couldn’t find a manager so he came back and said, “It’s just, like ten cents right?” and I’m like, “Can you add at all?” So then he just gave me my red pepper for free. Because I’m sure they’re totally allowed to do that.

And then as I was driving down my street, I noticed all the lights were off down the street and also in the apartments and I was like, “Fantastic. The power’s out,” except I didn’t mean fantastic at all I meant fuck.

So, I decided that I would try to use the underground parking because I thought the automatic door somehow ran on batteries or something? I’m not sure, but of course it didn’t work so I was stuck on the steepest down ramp of all time and, yes, “down ramp” is a thing, so I decided to rev the shit out of my car in reverse to get back up and almost didn’t make it but I did make and then my car smelled like it was on fire. I’m hoping I just burned the rubber off my tires but it may end up that I blew the shit out of my engine.

So, then I get into my apartment and think that at least I can check my email and stuff because my laptop is for sure battery powered but then when I opened it I was sadly disappointed because the router is actually NOT battery powered and I apparently don’t understand electricity at all.

And so I’m just basically sitting in my apartment hungry, in the dark, wondering what the hell people did with themselves before electricity because I sure don’t know what to do.

And then I decided to write a blog post in Word because that's what they must have done in the olden days.

** ** **

The power came on and I was like YAY! But then it went off again so now I’m looking for someone to punch.

** ** **

It’s on again. For reals this time I think. I’m going to go take advantage of this to make some delicious toast.

Tomorrow will be better right?

Sweet ass award

2010-03-21T19:58:00.003-06:00

Dudes, I totally just got a sweet ass award. (As I was writing this I thought that it sort of looked like I got an award for my sweet ass but it's actually not for my sweet ass. It's just a really cool award.)
(Not that my ass isn't sweet.)
(Because it is.)

So, the award is this:

and it's from Jackee at Winded Words who is also pretty sweet ass herself. Here are the rules:

1. Put the logo on your blog or within your post.
2. Pass the award to 5 bloggers.
3. Link the nominees within your post.
4. Let them know they received this award by commenting on their blog.
5. Share the love and link to the person from whom you received this award.
6. Share 5 things about yourself

And here are the things:

I once went on a date with a guy who started tearing up and almost crying when talking about how he had to put his cat down. Which would have been sort of sweet and sensitive if I was into that sort of thing. Or if it hadn't happened five years before our date.
Today I found out that my interest only line of credit that I transfered over from my old bank to the bank I currently work at for a better interest rate, is not in fact "interest only" and I have to make minimum payments that are not really all that minimum. So, basically, I'm not going to be moving anytime in the near future. Or eating.
I'm in severe denial that I've slowly been gaining weight due to not exercising as much(at all) and eating crap all the time. I've actually gotten really good at convincing myself that I'm constantly bloated. Everyday. As in, "Man, these pants sure feel tight. I sure am bloated. Again." or "Well, I guess I better notch back that belt. I must be extra bloated today!"
I had a huge to do list of stuff I really needed to get done this weekend, like work on my event management project which I've barely started and clean my house which is disgusting, but literally all I did all weekend was go shopping and hang out with eharmony dude and watch movies. I feel shame.
See how I left you all hanging there with the "hanging out with eharmony dude and watching movies" thing? And I'm totally not going to expand on it at all even though there is expanding to be done. Yeah, that's how I roll. My fifth thing is that I'm kind of an asshole.

And the recipients of this awesome sunshine award all bring sunshine to my life with their awesome and entertaining blogs:

Solo Adventurer
Hannah Unscripted
A Mandolyn and Ky
Be Awesome Instead
She just walks around with it - (she never actually reads my blog and will never see the award because I'll never tell her because she surpasses me in every way with her greatness but, whatever, she's still awesome and deserves it)

*Look how I changed the font like, 5 times during this post. I have no idea how I did that. Or how to fix it.

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice.

2010-03-16T18:51:00.001-06:00

So far March Break is my favorite because highway traffic is significantly reduced which means, even though I was switched to the day shift this week, I no longer drive to work with the constant feeling of wanting to punch someone in the face. Except when I'm not paying attention and I accidentally take the exit WAY before the one I'm actually supposed to take and by the time I realize it, it's way to late to turn off and I have to drive around this huge loop while fumbling in my glove box for my GPS so I can find my way back onto the highway.

Then I sort of feel like punching.

** ** **

One of the few things I don't like about being female is it is often assumed, because we are female, we don't know a lot about certain things such as; cars, anything mechanical, sports, home renovations, etc. This bothers me because I know a lot of women who know a great deal about all those things.

I, however, do not. So, really, it is a completely true assumption in my case but, despite that fact, it still pisses me off when people, especially men, naturally assume that I don't know anything about certain things because I'm a girl. Even though I clearly don't. Are you following?

It's because of this illogical stubbornness that when I get into situations where these assumptions could possibly be made, I try extra hard to prove that I totally do know and understand everything that's going on even though I'm a girl. But sadly, because I often feel some sort of pressure to prove myself, it never goes as planned. Ever. Even if I actually do know what I'm doing.

Like, for example, when I go and get my oil changed and the guy asks me to turn the high beams on and I turn on the windshield wipers. And then I get all flustered because I just KNOW he's mentally shaking his head at my stupid girlness so when he asks me to pop the trunk I actually pop the gas tank. And he's all casual like, "Um, that's the gas tank," and I'm like, "I KNOW THAT'S THE GAS TANK IT WAS AN ACCIDENT".

And then I start crying into my skirt.

Why I shouldn't go to work after not sleeping.

2010-03-09T19:36:00.000-06:00

Today at work I may or may not have lost my temper and told a guy I work with that I was going to kick the shit out of him.

I didn't though.

In my defense he is a complete ass.

I may or may not be fired.

My award getting mastery.

2010-03-06T17:15:00.002-06:00

So, I got this award. And the best part about this award is that it was given by one of my new favorite bloggers Amanda from It's Blogworthy. Now, if you haven't checked her out already, I strongly strongly recommend that you do. She is very clever and funny. Everything she writes is funny. She could write a post about buying socks and, I guarantee you, it would be funny. So, go visit her. Do it.

The award is this:

What I have to do is list 6 things that I'm a master of and then give it to 6 people who are masters of friendship. So, here you go:

I'm the master at being single. And if length of time has anything to do with how well someone has mastered something, then I am the master of the universe of this puppy. I'm like the He-Man of being single. And the scary thing is that I'm still going. No one can stop me! I bet I've set some sort of record by now. Hopefully I'll be receiving my plaque soon in the mail.
I'm the master of staying awake. I could go to bed after not having slept for 5 days thinking, "Oh man, as soon as my head hits that pillow I am so out," but as soon as my head actually does hit the pillow my brain is like, "Oh, hey! Are we in bed now? Great, because I really wanted to get some thinking done. Ok. First I'd like to make a note of every single thing we've ever done in the past, and then of any possible thing we could ever do in the future. Ready? Go."
I'm the master of moving. I have moved so many times I'll probably get some sort of award for that too. I'm 34 now and I've probably moved about 28 times. No joke. And I have such mad skilz that a friend of mine actually produced two TV shows about me and my moving abilities. Two shows. One on moving and one on packing. That's how good I am. Well, actually it was two segments of a show on moving but, whatever. Shows/segments. Same thing.
I'm a master at making pancakes. I have this recipe from my clean eating cookbook that I've tweaked to make it the best healthy pancake recipe ever made by anyone ever. It's so good. It's actually probably better than any non-healthy pancake recipe as well. And by probably I mean for sure.
I'm a master at procrastinating. I am so very good at thinking of other things to do rather than doing what I should be doing. Here's an example of what generally goes through my head, "My event management project is due soon and I haven't even started it yet but I really should look through this Avon brochure just in case I forget to do it in the two weeks before the order is due." It's logical at the time.
And finally, I'm the master at pretending to like someone when I really don't. This skill, however, is severely diminished when I'm tired. Which is often. So, if one day I just all of a sudden tell you to fuck off? Surprise! I don't really like you. I'm just kidding, there are very few people in this world whom I actually do dislike. I like most people. They just irritate the crap out of me.

So, now it's time to give out the award to six friends who are masters of friendship. I wish I could give more than six awards because there are lots of fellow bloggers who I'd like to recognize in this way but rules are rules so you're just going to have to suck it up if you don't get one. I still love you though.

What I'm going to do is I'm going to give it away to four old friends who are awesome and also to two new friends who I've met through the blog world as of late.

Old(not in age, by the way, in friend years):

T-Short - Because she's awesome and supportive and always there when I need her and also because now she has to post something. Sucka.

May-B - Another awesome and supportive friend who always knows the right thing to say at all times to make me feel better.

Lindzle - Also awesome and supportive. The best part is that she will always tell me what I need to hear, even if it's not what I necessarily want to hear. My friendship with her is definitely the best thing about having moved here.

Working from home today - Not only do I value her advice, but I also admire her strength and courage. Both verbally and by example, she has always helped me whenever I've needed it. Oh yeah, and she's awesome and supportive.

New Bloggy friends:

(I would give Amanda the award if she hadn't already just given me the award but I can't so I'll just say, despite being very funny, she is also an awesome, supportive bloggy friend.)

Dorkvader of The Dork Side - Not only is she supportive in her comments but she is also very gifted in a crafty way. You should totally check out her blog and take a look at what she makes. Very awesome.

Jackee of Winded Words - Another one of my new favorites. Not only is she a fantastic writer, but she is also very positive and inspiring. I always feel good after reading one of her posts.

So, there you go. And, again, I am grateful for all of my friends, both old and new, bloggy and not bloggy, so don't feel bad if you didn't get part of the award. Like I said, I still love you.

And that's all you really need right? My love? Well, you're welcome.

"Things I want to do before I'm 35" #28 - Go on a date.

2010-02-26T20:33:00.003-06:00

Remember that time when I was like, "I'm totally joining eharmony again!" but I was joking because I had said previous that I would never join eharmony again? Yeah, good times. So, I totally joined eharmony again. But it's for a good reason so STOP JUDGING ME. Well, maybe it's not for a good reason, but it's for a reason. And the reason is this: Getting dumped two days after New Years after eating your awesome New Years dinner for two by yourself really sort of sucks and also makes you think that if you don't do something immediately to attempt to put yourself in control of something again then you may just get to the point where you are not in control of anything. Ever. So I joined eharmony for a month.

And also, when I had joined it the first time I had really liked a guy that I already knew but I never posted about it because it was a secret I guess, but whenever I talked to an eharmony guy or went on a date or whatever, I always had the guy I really liked in the back of my mind so, in theory, I didn't really give eharmony a fair chance.

But now I do not really like that other guy because after convincing me that we should be together, he then decided that we should actually not be together. And then when he asked if we could just be friends instead, and I told him that maybe that wasn't the best option at the moment because it was pretty hard when we tried to be just friends before, he sent me a giant box of all the stuff I had ever given to him. Including gift cards. Because apparently he's in high school. So, it was after that dick move I decided that really liking someone who would deliberately set out to hurt another person was really a waste of my time. And I moved on.

Anyways, I joined eharmony for a month and really, again, didn't find it that awesome but it served the purpose I wanted it to at the time and, as a bonus, it also generated a date today with an eharmony guy and allowed me to cross one more item off my list!

Unfortunately the date itself was not at all good. I had talked to him a couple of times and he seemed like an ok guy. Maybe a little awkward but I just chalked it up to phone calls sometimes being awkward. Not so much though. He was pretty awkward in real life as well. And he had some sort of twitch thing going on with his neck which was kind of interesting. So I basically just sat there watching him twitch and thinking to myself, "Is this seriously what my life is right now? Awesome". Also, I had deliberately put on my profile thing that I wanted someone who was taller than me because I'm tired of dating guys who only come up to my chin and HIS profile said he was taller than me and he was clearly not. So I yelled LIAR and threw coffee in his face. Except I didn't. But I probably would have if the date had lasted longer than half an hour. Thank god it didn't. But, on the positive side, I went shopping after and bought some really sweet shoes so the outing was totally worth it. I wish I could date shoes.

However, I have been talking to another guy who I met during the eharmony month and he seems alright and potentially Torretts free. AND I've also started talking again to the guy who I had went on a couple of dates with from the other time I joined eharmony. Remember that guy? He was awesome and cute but we didn't really work out for some reason? Remember? Well, now we all know the reason don't we. So hopefully he'll give me a second chance after I ditched him 25 times.

And there you have it. Another cross off. How can my life possibly get more exciting than this? It really can't, my friends. It really can't.

P.S. If anyone wants an update on how the job is going I'm posting about that tomorrow so you're just going to have to wait. When does the hockey game start by the way. CURLING IS REALLY BORING.

I'm sorry sir, I seem to have forgotten my name. Do you mind if I put you on hold for a minute?

2010-02-20T17:27:00.001-06:00

Thursday was my first day on the phones at work. I figured I was pretty ready because I had kicked total ass on all of the tests but, true to form, I was not at all right about being ready. Not at all. I pretty much forgot everything I knew immediately after I put on my headset. And by pretty much I mean completely. And I'm not even kidding when I say I forgot everything. I literally forgot everything. Every time I got a beep in my ear which indicated there was a call on the line my mind went completely blank. I barely remembered my name.

Usually every team has one helper person who is really experienced and they walk around and if you have a problem you just put the caller on hold, put your hand up, and they come and help you. We have two helper people because we're new and that is a very good thing because I had my hand up for the majority of my shift and there are 15 other people on my team. Luckily we were paired up for the first round of calls and the dude who was with me made it his life's mission to get me immediate help when ever I needed it. As soon as my hand went up he would rip his headset off and jump up waving his arms until someone came over. It was pretty awesome. And annoying to everyone else but me, but whatever.

The thing I was most worried about was the people on the other end having to deal with a complete imbecile, but they were surprisingly very patient whenever I asked if I could put them on hold. For the 5th time. After they were already on hold for a good 10 minutes. If it was me I would have totally been like, "I just want to pay a bill dude. What the hell is wrong with you?" but I only had a couple of hangups and only one person asked if I was new and I was all, "What?! No. Totally not. I'm totally not new. Do you mind if I put you on hold for a sec?"

By the end of day yesterday I was better. I had calmed down a bit and actually remembered there were specific procedures to follow and things to say and I even said some of them. I still asked for help a lot but I was able to figure out a lot of things by myself as well. Apparently it takes a long time to become really comfortable with everything so I think I'm doing pretty good considering. I'll tell you this though, working at a call center is much harder then you think it is. Especially at a bank. I had no idea how many things were involved. Even BEFORE you can actually answer a question or sign a person up for a product you have to go through this really extensive process to make sure you're not talking to a fraud. It's pretty intense. And we haven't even started the selling part yet. By the end of 6 months we're going to have to make a certain amount of sales and reach quotas and stuff which sort of frightens me. It sort of frightens me a lot. Right now though, I'm going to be trying to reach my self imposed quota of 0 times accidentally hanging up on someone.

So far so good.

"Things I want to do before I'm 35" #7 - Go to Montreal!

2010-02-16T19:51:00.001-06:00

So, I've started following all these blogs because they're awesome and now I don't have time to read all the blogs I'm following and it's causing me all kinds of anxiety. Every time I open my blogger dashboard and see all the new posts my chest seizes up and I almost have a stroke because I DON'T HAVE TIME TO READ ALL OF THE AWESOME. So then I just close the window and slam my laptop shut and huddle in the corner shaking. You might have guessed by now that I don't like to leave things unfinished. And that I'm a fucking weirdo. Anyhoo, if you notice that I haven't commented on your blog for a while, it's not because I don't love you. It's because I'm curled up in the fetal position under my bed.

But on to more important things. I went to Montreal!

A few weeks ago I texted my friend asking what she was doing for the long weekend and she said, "Nothing", so I said, "Let's go to Montreal!" So we did. Saturday morning we packed ourselves, along with my friend's friend and a dude I work with, into my car and away we went. The drive was very nice. We managed to find an 80's radio station so we were having a blast belting out Rod Stewart and Bryan Adams at the top of our lungs when dude says that he brought his Micheal Bolton's greatest hits CD but he left it in his bag which was in the back and I laughed because usually when a 25 year old black dude tells me that he brought his Micheal Bolton's greatest hits CD but left it in his bag he's joking, but in this case, he totally wasn't. So, if you happened to be driving to Montreal on the 401 and you saw a little red car drive by you with three white girls and one black dude singing Micheal Bolton at the top of their lungs? That was us.

Before I left everyone told me that I had better watch out because those people from Montreal are sure crazy drivers and I was always like, yeah, I navigate the 401 every day and I've driven in the city of TORONTO many times so I think I can probably handle Montreal. But guess what? Those people from Montreal are sure crazy drivers. Holy. Shit. And it's not like they just drive fast, because they do, but it's also that the streets are really narrow and they seem to have no sense of the concept of lanes. It's just one giant free for all. And that is one free for all I did not enjoy taking a part in. So, after we parked at the hotel, that is where the car stayed. Thank goodness for taxis and subways.

Saturday night was the birthday of one of our mutual friends and she had rented out this cool club and had a DJ and stuff. The theme was "60's soul" so everyone dressed up as if they were from the 60's, except me because I don't really have any fashion sense for today let alone another decade and my friend was getting really tired of me asking, "Is this 60's?" so I just left it and wore a sweater dress. It was a really fun party though and I danced all night and, bizarrely, saw a lot of people I knew from Saskatchewan who had moved to Montreal and I EVEN stayed out until 2am! In the morning! I honestly can't remember when I willingly stayed up that late. This is the non-stop party that is my life.

Then, the next day, we walked around old Montreal which was really cool but everything was closed except the cupcake place, thank god, because I'm not sure how I could have lived without stuffing more sugar in my face after drinking 56 Red Bulls the night before and then having pancakes for breakfast. Then we went shopping and I bought my first pair of skinny jeans which I am still a little unsure about. As I mentioned earlier in this post, I'm not really up on the fashion and I had to keep reaffirming with my friend that, yes, they were supposed to be this tight but that was ok because they will stretch and it's ok if the bottoms are a bit short because you wear them in boots, and this was after I almost had a panic attack because there were too many types of jeans in the store and I didn't know where to start so I just left but was then gently guided back in by my friend who told me soothingly that she would help. And then I was like, "Where is the greeter?" And then she cried.

That night, which was Valentines Day night, we rented a movie at the hotel and ate pizza because we're both single and decided that we might as well just give up and get fat. I will note that I did make it through Valentines Day without punching someone and that was one of my New Years resolutions so there you go.

On Monday, which was a holiday in Ontario but not in Montreal, we went searching for a chocolate supply shop because my friend is taking a chocolate making course, and this was a bit of an adventure because we didn't know where it was and were given wrong directions so we ended up walking for 20 minutes in the freezing windy cold before we decided to stop and ask someone else for directions because my friend was getting a bit frustrated and I tried to cheer her up by asking if we could pretend we were on The Amazing Race and I started running around and yelling that we NEEDED TO GET TO THE CHOCOLATE SHOP AND DOESN'T ANYONE AROUND HERE SPEAK ENGLISH?!! I might have made it worse though.

And then we drove home and it was really busy and everyone slept but me except I almost did and just about killed everyone so we had to stop to get a coffee at the busiest gas station ever.

The End.

Yeah, I'm sort of like Jesus.

2010-02-10T18:05:00.001-06:00

Yesterday after work before we all left for home, one of our instructors told us that there was supposed to be a big storm coming in so we should all leave for work earlier the next morning to ensure we get there on time and I was like, there is no possible way I could get up earlier than I am now, mostly because I'm pretty sure time doesn't actually exist before 5:30 am, but she was pretty sure it did so I thought about it and decided that, because I usually get to work 40 minutes early, I would just get up at my regular time and if it looked really horrible outside I would hurry to get ready and leave earlier. So, I got up this morning and looked out the window and was pleasantly surprised that there was not a storm at all, it was actually barely snowing and the roads, despite being a bit wet, looked fine, great in fact, so I didn't hurry and left at my usual time. And then I got onto the highway. Or actually, no, I didn't get onto the highway. I got into the LINE to get onto the highway. Because apparently when the highway is wet here in Toronto people drive REALLY FUCKING SLOW. And, I'm not even kidding, the snow was barely falling and it would melt IMMEDIATELY after touching the ground and it wasn't slippery and visibility was fantastic but it still took me an hour longer to get to work and, even though I had prepared myself for the traffic and the geriatric driving speeds, by the time I got to work I wanted to punch all of Toronto in the face. And I pretty much carried that attitude with me all day. It was a fun day for everyone. I don't even want to think about what happens when it really snows and it actually STAYS on the ground. I imagine people just stop their cars in the middle of the highway and frantically make a run for it. I'm pretty sure I'm just going to stay home that day.

** ** **

Today we were all hanging out on one of our breaks and one of the guys on my team looks at me and says that I remind him of his friends mom and I stop and look at him and everyone else goes silent and he's like, "What? It was a compliment," and I was like, "Dude, that is totally not a compliment", and one of the girls says that there are two words that you should never pair with "looks like" when you are talking to a woman: "Mother" and "Fat". Words to live by people.

It's Saturday night and I'm posting and doing laundry. That's not lame right? At least I'm not posting ABOUT doing laundry. That would be lame for sure.

2010-02-06T18:27:00.000-06:00

Today as I was leaving my apartment building I noticed a sign on the main door that said "THERE IS A THIEF IN THE BUILDING!" and I was like, AND? I was sort of hoping for a little more information like, is anything being done about it? Should we be taking precautions? Maybe the information is going to come in installments. Like, the next time I go down there'll be a sign saying "KEEP YOUR DOORS LOCKED!" or "WE'VE NARROWED IT DOWN TO THE 6TH FLOOR!". Or maybe this is just the kind of building where people post interesting facts. I think next time I leave the building I'm going to post a sign that says "I LIKE CHEESE!" and see what happens.

Also in my building there is a little table down by the mailboxes where people apparently put stuff they don't want and whoever comes first gets to take the stuff and keep it. There's a lot of different things like pots and books and lamps and even food. The other day I saw a couple boxes of crackers and I was going to grab them but then, when I came back, they were gone. You have to be pretty quick to get the good stuff I guess. At least I'm assuming this is how it works. Maybe people are just leaving their stuff there for safe keeping and other people take it and now people think THERE IS A THIEF IN THE BUILDING! I've totally figured it out! I should post a sign probably.

** ** **

Last night after work a group of us went to a karaoke place nearby just for something to do. Now, when I think of karaoke I think of a bar or pub with mostly drunk people but also a few super stars who hand in their little sheets with their song choice on them to some dude who sprinkles in a selection of his own songs with those of the random drunks he choses and everyone sits around and drinks and watches and maybe sometimes sings along and there's dancing sometimes and there's always some drunk dudes who want to sing "Paradise by the dashboard light", one of them singing the guy part and one of them singing the girl part in a horrible falsetto until I want to punch both of them in the face. Ok, that last part only happened once.

Anyways, last night we went to this place and we were lead into this tiny closet room with three couches and a TV and 2 microphones and the guy says that if we want any snacks or drinks we should call him on this phone thing and I'm like, "Excuse me but, what the hell?" and he just closes the door and this girl we're with tells us that this is how a lot of people, especially of a certain ethnic group which I'm not going to say at the risk of offending someone, karaoke now. I guess this place is just a place full of different sized karaoke rooms you can rent out by the hour and you come with your friends and sing. To your friends. Apparently it's a pretty big deal to some people and they get all dressed up and bring tea and warm up their voice and everything but I'm like, "Where are the drunks? Where are the Shania Twain wannabes? Where's the Summer Lovin'?"

It was still pretty fun though. After we got over how incredibly awkward it was. We stayed for about an hour and a half and all took turns and sang along and cheered each other on. I think next time we're going to go to an actual bar though. Social embarrassment is much more enjoyable. When we were leaving we were looking at the pictures on the wall of the "regulars" and there were these two girls who apparently set the record by singing for 15 hours. 15 hours. Of karaoke. I guess everyone reaches for the stars in their own way.

** ** **

Yesterday at work we practiced taking calls with each other and for my call I had to sign my partner up for a credit card. I will just say this: I feel very very sorry for the person who will be phoning in to get me to do anything for them in the next few months. I'm really hoping they have a good hour to spare because that's literally how long it's going to take me. Before I start crying. I would like to throw out a little suggestion for all of you who use telephone banking services. And this is coming from probably one of the most impatient people in the world. For people just starting out, there is a lot of information to process and a lot of procedures and programs to follow and when the person you're talking to is taking a lot of time to do something that you think is pretty simple like, oh I don't know, signing you up for a credit card, they're not being slow because they are a moron, they're being slow because they're still learning. And if someone accidentally hangs up on you or if you hear someone say "for fuck sakes" under their breath, you're likely talking to me and you should probably just go get a cup of coffee and settle in.

I wish I was kidding.

Awards! And Work! UPDATED

2010-01-30T17:31:00.002-06:00

At work*, whenever some new manager person comes in to meet the class, we have to go around the room and introduce ourselves and say what we did previous and why we chose to come to the bank. Everyone else but me has some sort of call center background and whenever they get around to me and I say I was a personal trainer, whoever the manger is kind of pauses and, I'm not even kidding, sucks in their stomach, and says something like, "Oh, that's different!" or "I really need one of those ha ha" or something along those lines and then I have to explain that I do actually have customer service experience but, by that point, my introduction is already way longer than anyone else's and I can't really say I'm here because my brother told me to, so I usually just say nothing unless they ask and then I just lie and say that I'm really interested in banking. Although I am finding it pretty interesting so I guess it's not really a lie anymore. Phew.

People in my class have also started coming up to me on a daily basis and asking me workout and nutrition advice and I'm pretty convinced now that the majority of people there will do anything I tell them to. I was talking about this new vegetable steamer I bought which also steams meat and fish and eggs and stuff and I was saying how awesome it was and how everyone needs to go buy one and one of the girls says that her and her boyfriend are trying to be more healthy so she's going to tell him that they need to go buy one because a personal trainer told her that it was a good idea. She was pretty excited about it too. So, I guess I kind of know how doctors feel now. Because I am exactly like a doctor.

** ** **

Ok. So, as I mentioned before, Dorkvader who is awesome and wants to be ninja some day, gave me this cool award where you have to answer the following questions with one word and than pass it on to 5 other bloggers and, seeing as how I'm very supportive of the ninja population, and also scared of them, I am going to do what she tells me. Here we go:

Your Cell Phone? Pink.
Your Hair? Straightened.
Your Mother? Supportive.
Your Father? Wise.
Your Favorite Food? Chocolate.
Your Dream Last Night? None.
Your Favorite Drink? Coffee.
Your Dream/Goal? Happiness
What Room Are You In? Living
Your Hobby? Music.
Your Fear? Time.
Where Do You See Yourself In Six Years? Married.
Where Were You Last Night? Bed.
Something That You Aren't? Shy.
Muffins? No.
Wish List Item? Pie.
Where Did You Grow Up? Regina.
Last Thing You Did? Shopping.
What Are You Wearing? Clothing.
Your TV? Small.
Your Pets? None.
Friends? Awesome.
Your Life? Different.
Your Mood? Happy.
Missing Someone? Parents
Vehicle? Hyundai.
Something You Aren't Wearing? Wig.
Your Favorite Store? Chapters.
Your Favorite Color? Rider's
When Was The Last Time You Laughed? Yesterday.
Last Time You Cried? Month.
Your Best Friend? None.
One Place You Go To Over And Over Again? Kitchen.
Facebook? Unfortunately.
Favorite Place To Eat? Restaurant.

And somehow I've copied her font and don't know how to undo it so enjoy this little change of pace. I'm going to go ahead and give the award out to the following people:(I'm too lazy to link them so just click on the links on the side of my blog if you're so inclined. And you should be because they're awesome.)

May-B
Working from home today
Solo Adventurer
The Watson Life
It's Blogworthy.

Go!

* I know I said I wasn't going to write about work but I more meant I wasn't going to write about specific things like calls or people or whatever. Plus I'm a liar.

UPDATE!!!
So, Amanda from It's Blogworthy had a good question. And that question was if there was a picture that went with the award and it turns out there is! And a name of the award! You would think I might have checked that out in the first place wouldn't you? But then, if you thought that, you wouldn't know me very well because I tend to miss things. So here it is! I consider all of my many many readers over the top because obviously you have excellent taste but, today, the five people mentioned above have exceeded the normal amount of over the topness. Well done!

My first day! For reals.

2010-01-28T18:37:00.000-06:00

So, I started this post about 15 times and then erased everything 15 times because it was really boring every time and then I realized that there was really no way to make writing about my new job not boring so I'm just going to stop trying to be funny and/or entertaining and just tell it like it is.

I really like it so far. I've only been there 4 days but it seems like it's going to be a great place to work. It's a great company which is known for treating their employees really well and encouraging them to advance within the company and I've never actually experienced working at a company like that in my life so it's a pretty cool feeling. I already have benefits and holidays and they pay for your schooling and the best part is I actually get paid for the whole 8 hours that I'm there which is quite a bit different from my last gig. AND I get paid breaks. Heaven.

Right now I'm training in a classroom and will be doing that for the next three months with weeks slotted in where we actually practice on the phones. Then for the next three months I'm on my own but am still in the learning stage so there's not as much pressure. Then I'm really on my own and have to reach the team goals and stuff.

So far, to me, the class stuff is pretty easy. There's a lot to know but it's pretty much all right in front of you on the computer at all times, you just need to know where to look. And I say "to me" because some people are really having a hard time getting the hang of it. I predict they won't make it to the end. My brother says there is always a small percentage of people who don't.

I'm still really tired though. My body is not at all used to getting up at 5:45 am and it's also not used to working for 8 hours straight. I'm hoping it will catch up sooner or later. My hours will be changing when I start working on the phones which means both a later start and less traffic, both of which are good. I'm not minding the commute so far though. The traffic does get heavy at times but I kind of like the hour alone with my coffee in hand and CBC 2 on the radio.

My team is pretty awesome. It's a good mix of men and women of all ages and ethnicities. I'm making friends pretty fast. The cool part is the huge building we work in houses many companies so the bottom concourse area is pretty much a mall and groups of us will go down and hang out on our breaks. It's pretty fun. It's weird coming from an all women's gym where I would only see women all day and then going to a place where I'm working with men and seeing them around all the time. And by weird I mean awesome. Mostly I just sit in the lobby, watch all the men go by and think, "Why on earth would I pick an all women's gym. No wonder I'm single."

I've also decided that I'm not going to be posting much about work in the future as it is a bank and they have some pretty severe privacy laws which is understandable. I really don't want to get fired so I figure the safest way is to just not post about anything. We can't even have our cell phones on while we're there because with all the recording and picture taking technology it's pretty dangerous to have them near such sensitive information. So, I guess my point is, despite this post being probably the driest post I've ever written, get your fill here because there won't be that much about my job from this point on unless it's really generic. Or funny.

And there you go. Short version: So far, I like it. If you made it all the way to this point I applaud you. Hopefully once I get some sleep my posts will be more entertaining. Or maybe I've had my run at it and this is what they're going to be like from now on. Good lord I hope not.

P.S. Dorkvader gave me an awesome award meme the other day so I just wanted to let her know that I really appreciate it and I'm totally not ignoring her. I'm just tired. I'll for sure do it this weekend. Thanks!

My first day! But not really.

2010-01-25T18:01:00.000-06:00

I really wanted to post about my first day at my new job but I am so tired right now I am almost unconscious. Apparently there's a 5:30 in the morning now? What? So, I apologize to all of you who are waiting anxiously to hear about the beginning of my adventures in telephone banking but you're going to have to wait until I get some sleep. I will tell you this though: It was pretty great. Plus I bought some cool boots. That's pretty much all you need to know anyways.

Bridal show!

2010-01-24T10:28:00.000-06:00

I went to my first bridal show ever this Saturday which is kind of a surprise because I've been in five bridal parties and have a lot of friends who are married and, oh yeah, was actually married myself, but I've never been to a bridal show.

For those who have never been to a bridal show, and I'm going to guess there are very few of you out there because they're pretty popular these days, a bridal show is basically a large trade show for brides. Different vendors pay an exorbitant amount of money to set up booths in hopes that they can lure in many brides with their loud music and flashy pamphlets, to put a down payment on their services and use them for their weddings. These vendors range from the obvious like photographers to the not so obvious like strippers. Yes, there were strippers there. Men and women. Unattractive men and women strippers. Not my favorite part of the show.

We missed the fashion show which is unfortunate because I hear they are usually pretty awesome but that's ok because there was a middle aged, large-ish man dressed up in a royal green tutu costume wandering around for a reason that no one seemed to know but himself so that was pretty much worth the trip right there.

Now, for those of you who have never been to a bridal show before, it's your lucky day because I'm going to share with you the wealth of knowledge that I learned so that when you go to your first or next bridal show you can blow people away with all of your preparedness.

Bring a bag to carry all the crap you're going to get. If you're a bride to be or if you're pretending you're a bride to be, you can get a lot of stuff. Most of that stuff is pamphlets but there are also cool wedding planners, magazines and books. Lots of places give you bags though if you register with them and, if you're lucky like my friend, those bags will be very large and shiny gold and silver so you can never use them again with out being ridiculed. By me.
If you're not a bride to be or even a bridesmaid but are just there for the free cake, the following is the most valuable information you will ever get: Don't stand in one place for two long. Don't make eye contact with any of the vendors. A vendor at a bridal show is like an eagle waiting for it's prey. If you don't want 75 useless pieces of paper to take home with you, please heed my advice.
Waiting in line for free cake is totally worth it.
If you are a bride to be and you bring stickers with all your information on them to stick to the numerous draw ballots, your friends will make fun of you. Even though they secretly think it's a really good idea.
Don't mistakenly think there will be any other food besides cake. Because there likely won't be. Except maybe cookies.
Don't think, just because there are a lot of bridesmaids there, many of whom are all tarted out for some reason, that there will be a lot of hot groomsmen there. Because there won't be and you will be sadly disappointed. Sadly. The only men that will be there will be the grooms to be. And they will only be there because they just recently got engaged and they think this is something that they should be doing with their bride to be to promote "togetherness" and "support". You will never see them at another bridal show again.
You can actually eat too much cake. This was truly the hardest lesson I had to learn. I'm pretty sure I have a cavity.
Bring a coffee with you. Because when the only coffee there is $2.50 per very small cup you will have to buy it to feed your addiction. Unless you don't have an addiction to caffeine. Then ignore this one.
When you go check out the PARTY BUS! dance around and pretend it's really awesome and fun and you would totally love to party on a bus like this even if you're in your mid-30's and think that if you had to spend 5 more minutes on the PARTY BUS! you would likely punch someone. And then go ask someone to please turn the music down because you CAN'T EVEN HEAR YOURSELF THINK AND WHAT IS THIS THAT THE KIDS ARE PLAYING THESE DAYS?! THIS ISN'T MUSIC. IN MY DAY YOU COULD DANCE TO MUSIC. AND HEAR.
Two words: Comfortable. Shoes.

You're welcome.

P.S. I must apologize to erin for not pretending I was a lesbian, dressing in a tux, and getting a picture taken. I could have really used the $50.00 but, to be honest, the vendors scared the crap out of me.

Last day

2010-01-22T15:45:00.003-06:00

Today was my last day as a personal trainer and, despite my ravings 9 months ago about how it was my dream job and so incredibly awesome, I'm not all that sad to be done. I'm not even sad a bit actually. I'll miss a lot of the people but I really won't miss the job. After I was finished with my last client I think my entire body just gave a sigh of relief as if to say, "I could not possibly do this for another day. Thank you so much for stopping. Finally." I am really glad it's over.

Everyone always says that your perfect job would be one where you're doing something that you loved doing even before you got the job. But, really, now that I've been through it, I think those people are liars. Or, at least, idiots. And not idiots on purpose. Just idiots in a naive sort of way.

Have you ever heard of someone who loves to cook and then becomes a chef and then hates cooking at home? That's pretty much exactly what it was like for me. Except replace "cooking" with "working out" and "chef" with "personal trainer". I probably didn't really have to walk you through that.

Before I started training, I loved working out and playing sports and learning about nutrition and how the body works and stuff but, after a while of doing it for a living, I started really resenting it. I didn't like reading articles on fitness or trying out new programs because it felt too much like work. I didn't like doing it anymore because now I HAD to do it as opposed to just wanting to because I enjoyed it.

Before, when I was looking for a job, I would always ask myself what I really loved to do. Like, for example, I love reading so I always thought that if only I could get a job reading books and doing reviews or something, that would be my DREAM JOB. But now I think, if I had to read to make a living, I would just start really hating reading and then what would I do when I had free time? Probably a lot drugs. So, as you can see, this new way of thinking about things is a lot less dangerous and destructive

So, now I think my perfect job would be one that I don't necessarily love because it's something I love doing on my own, but it will be one that I like because it's interesting or challenging or I really like the people or hopefully all of these options. Or maybe it's just something that I just don't absolutely hate. And sort of holds my interest. Maybe. So, then I can just go to work, be interested in what I'm doing and probably like it hopefully, and then go home and do all the things I really enjoy doing. This is my new theory about jobs. I'll let you know how it goes.

And, of course, this is not to say that I regret training for the past 9 months. I'm really glad I did it. I learned a lot of stuff and I can train a bit on the side if i want or just apply what I learned to my own workouts. I also met a lot of really terrific people and made some good friends. And judging from the nice cards and gifts and things I got, I think I really helped some people. I know I really helped some people. So it was all definately worth it.

.

Zumba, Avatar and anti-aging.

2010-01-10T17:49:00.000-06:00

In the change room at the gym I work at there were these free samples for this anti-aging super regimen facial thing so I thought that seeing as I like free things and would also like to anti-age, I'd give it a shot. I tried it this morning. First you wash your face with this cream cleanser stuff and then you put on a "serum" and then, after the "serum" you put on a "tonic" and then a "revitalizing mosituriser" and then, finally, some "repairing eye cream" and as I was putting on the 3rd thing I was thinking, "Who on earth has time to do this every morning" and then I thought "And who can really afford to buy 4 separate facial products JUST for the morning?(There was an evening regimen too) and then finally I thought, "Does the burning mean it's working?" because it sort of felt like there was acid on my face. I'm pretty sure at the end I didn't look so much "youthful" as "greasy". I don't think I'm going to purchase any. Free sample fail.

** ** **

This morning I went to my first Zumba class. For those who don't know, Zumba is sort of a Latin dance type fitness class and apparently all the rage. I may have mentioned this before but I'm not the most coordinated or graceful person in the world and I had fully expected to come back with some awesome story of me falling on my face or curling up in the fetal position in the corner but, actually, I didn't do that bad. And it was really fun. So....sorry about that.

** ** **

I have two more weeks left in my career as a personal trainer and I have to say I'm not all that disappointed. I really do like doing it and I'll miss all of my clients, but I'm glad to be moving on. Although conversations like this almost make me want to stay:

Me: Relax your shoulders.
Client: I am.
Me: Relax your shoulder.
Client: I AM.
Me: You're not.
Client: Well, I can't.
Me: Yes you can. Because when I touch your shoulders they go down.
Client: That's fear.

I always think that people shouldn't post conversations because they're never as funny as the people who had the conversation think but, whatever. I'M TRYING MY BEST.

** ** **

I went to Avatar last night and, never having been to a 3-D movie before, I spent the first half an hour jumping back in my seat and saying OH MY GOD THAT'S SO COOL much to the delight of the people around me I'm sure. And then I took my 3-D glasses off to see what it would look like without the glasses and then I put them back on. And then I took them off. And then put them on. And then I got a bit nauseous. And then I looked around to see if anyone else was taking off their glasses and putting them back on but no one was. And then I watched the man sit with his kid on the floor until he realized that was stupid. And then I turned around and gave the people who came in late and wondered why there were no seats dirty looks. And then I took my glasses off. And then I put them back on. And then I pondered whether or not I had seen anything this cool before. And then I determined that I hadn't. And then I turned to my friend and said that I totally thought this was worth $15.00 because it was so awesome and she was like, "Would you put your fucking glasses back on and sit still? What are you, four?" So then I watched the movie. Apparently there was also a story or something but for some reason I didn't quite catch it.

So, in conclusion, go see Avatar. But maybe take a Gravol.

The end.

My biggest and best piece of advice for anyone anywhere because I am a genius

2010-01-06T22:23:00.002-06:00

Man, I am a blog writing machine today! How lucky for all of my 16 readers.

So, it seems that this year is the year that I'm going to be sharing everything that pops into my head and disguising it as pearls of wisdom that will be to the benefit of all mankind.

The final lesson of today comes from a conversation I had with a friend of mine over lunch. I'm not going to go into a lot of detail because it's her personal business but, in a nutshell, she met this awesome guy over the holidays and she's trying to make a big decision about her future. She asked me what I thought she should do.

"Do it, " I said, without hesitation. Don't think the crap out of it. If the thought of it makes you excited and happy, do it. Don't look back.

I would describe myself as sort of a risk taker sometimes. Most of the times. I left home to teach English in Chile for 9 months without any money. I brought home a Chilean man and married him shortly after. I moved across the country without a job. I get excited about things and move too fast and fall too hard for people without necessarily thinking about all the consequences. Did all of those things turn out the way I wanted them to? No. Do I get hurt sometimes? Absolutely. But do I regret the things that I did? Never.

For all the risky things I've done in my life and all the choices I've made, I could have asked myself, "What if this doesn't work out?" But instead I asked myself, "What if I didn't take the chance." And that, to me, is actually living life instead of just watching it pass you by. I will always be able to move on and start over and recover from a broken heart but, so far, I haven't quite figured out how to go back in time because I wished I would have taken a chance. And, so far, I've never wanted to.

I hope my friend does what makes her happy and excited. If not for her sake, then for mine. Because potentially she could be moving to somewhere tropical and I would get to go visit her. I guess the real lesson here is, "Do things that benefit me."

I think my job here is done.

.

#1 - Living in the hood.

2010-01-06T14:46:00.000-06:00

Remember that time about 4 months ago when I said I was going to post stories about the top three shit hole apartments I lived in or roommates I had or something I can't even remember it's been so long, and then I posted one story and then forgot I was doing it and then remembered and posted another one a month later and then forgot again and never posted the last one? Remember? That was awesome. So awesome that I imagine no one even knew I forgot or cared whether I posted the last one but I'm still going to post it anyways because YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. So here it is:

I've always had a soft spot in my heart for older buildings. I love the character of old hardwood floors and fancy arch ways and wooden banisters and plastered ceilings. Unfortunately, were I used to live, a lot of the cool older buildings are not in the most safe areas of town, and normally I wouldn't even go look at one of those buildings but, much to my parents displeasure, I did happen to go look at one and I loved it.

It was such a cute place with all the old characteristics that I liked, minus the wood floors. The best part was it had a little loft room up some cool stairs that looked down into the living room. And it was very cheap and walking distance to work which sounds pretty ideal when you first look at it but if I would have thought about it for more than 5 minutes I would have realized that living close to where I worked wasn't necessarily the safest choice because I worked in the worst area of town. Google "North Central Regina Crime" if you want to get a better idea of what I'm talking about. Needless to say, my parents weren't pleased. But it was cute and cheap so it was totally worth it.

Until I moved in and realized that no one had probably cleaned the apartment ever since it was built. The carpets had been "steamed cleaned" but they had been so dirty previously that it didn't really matter if you had steamed cleaned them with bleach, I was still never going to walk on them without shoes. The wooden banister was encrusted with grime the likes of which could only be successfully removed with possibly a screw driver. And the fridge. Oh the fridge. I phoned my landlord after I moved in complaining about the smell and that I was pretty sure it wasn't supposed to smell like that but he said that, in fact, it was supposed to smell like that because it had been off for so long and that it would eventually go away. It didn't.

The four months that I stayed there were pretty awesome. The bath tub pipes froze almost every morning, smoke wafted into my bedroom from the people below me every night, and at least once a week I was woken up by cops storming into the building and dragging someone out. The building was full of weirdos. I often came up to the front door of the building to see some old dude standing in his basement suite in his underwear cooking dinner. Not that cooking dinner in your underwear makes you weird but close the drapes or something. Or maybe take a walk around the block every once in a while.

One day I had just come home from work and I had about 7 bags and I was struggling with my keys and it was probably about -50 outside and I couldn't get in but I was like, "Oh good, the guy who lives across from me who sees me EVERY DAY is coming down the stairs so he'll help me," but he just stood on the other side of the door and stared at me until I dropped all my bags and found the right key. He must have stood there for a good 5 minutes just watching me freeze my ass off. It was awesome.

The final straw was coming home Christmas day to my apartment literally full of smoke from the people beneath me. I could actually see it wafting out of my apartment when I opened the door. And I couldn't even open a window because they were all spray foamed shut. And I couldn't have a shower because the pipes were frozen. I immediately called my landlord and gave my notice.

The day I moved out was the day the guy from across the hall finally talked to me. My apartment door was open because were loading things out to the car and he just walked right in and started looking around. "Can I help you?" I asked. "Yeah, uh, how much do you want for that TV?" "Dude, this isn't a fucking garage sale. I'm moving." "Oh." And then he left. I was pretty confident with my decision to leave after that.

Well worth the wait wasn't it.

The first of probably many posts about Friday Night Lights.

2010-01-03T12:25:00.000-06:00

So, I've started to watch this TV show called Friday Night Lights which is about high school football and it is probably one of the best shows ever. It's really well written, and it's shot all cool like, and the characters are all great and well developed and I'm totally crushing on one of the football players, whose name is Tim Riggins, and I pretty much melt every time he comes on the screen and he really doesn't even need to speak but it's better when he does because he's so vulnerable and messed up and so wise beyond his 16 or 18 years or however old he's supposed to be, but in real life he's actually not a high school student, he's 28 so that means I'm not a total sicko right? I mean, it still makes me a cougar but not disgusting. Right?

Right now I'm almost at the end of season one and Tim Riggins is sleeping with his neighbor who is my age or maybe even older and at first I was like, GROSS but then I thought about it for a while and I was like, SCORE! Way to go neighbor lady! And I really wanted to go and tell her that he's really 28 so it's totally ok, he can totally be a father to your little boy. You go right on ahead and keep sleeping with him.

It occured to me that I might be slightly obsessed when I went to see The Blind Side, which is a great movie by the way, and at the beginning they were showing football clips and one of the football players had "Riggins" on his jersery and I was like OH MY GOD TIM RIGGINS IS TOTALLY IN THIS MOVIE and then I realized that Tim Riggins is actually a character in a TV show and not a real person who could be in a movie. And then I said a silent prayer that this was one of the few times that I didn't say something stupid like that out loud.

As a side note, the annoying kid in The Blind Side is actually played by the same actor who plays the kid that Tim Riggins could possibly father in Friday Night Lights only he's much less annoying in Friday Night Lights. So there you go people. Full Circle.

The top 15 things I learned in 2009.

2009-12-30T17:13:00.000-06:00

Pay attention, this shit is golden.

It's never too late to start over.
Don't change yourself for someone else. If the person you're dating or want to date or possibly your husband, doesn't like you for who you are that's their stupid problem.
The only shame in failing is when you stop trying.
Give second chances. And sometimes third.
Slow down. Think things through. Check in with yourself from time to time and ask if this is really the direction you want to be going at warp speed.
You have to be happy being by yourself before you can be happy being with someone else.
Listen to yourself before you listen to other people.
You can't go back and change yesterday. You can't go forward and change tomorrow. Focus on living today.
Be patient.
Money doesn't buy happiness. But it sure helps.
No matter how much you think you know, you can always learn more.
The importance of family means different things to different people.
People aren't necessarily interested in you telling them the nutritional value of the food they're currently eating.
It takes a lot of hard work but fitting into an old pair of pants isn't impossible.
No one ever misses Saskatchewan because of the weather.

You're welcome.

Year in Review!

2009-12-29T14:08:00.000-06:00

You know how a lot of people are now posting a yearly review of their best and favorite posts and they have it all organized and researched so you can just click on the links and re-read or read for the first time all of their greatness? Yeah, I'm not doing that. It's a lot of work what with all the searching and reading and thinking and linking and I'm pretty lazy. So, instead, I'm just going to write my own year in review in bullet form. If you feel you need more information on a certain point or can't remember the fascinating event that I'm talking about, there's a handy link option on the right hand side of my blog that allows you to read past posts all the way back to the beginning of my blog! Go crazy.

The year 2009 started out with me newly divorced, and planning on starting an exciting new life in Ontario. Here's a very condensed version of how the year went down:

I'm so excited to move!
I'm going to start internet dating!
Internet dating is lame and full of creeps.
I'm so happy with my new life in Ontario. It's packed full of sunshine and rainbows. I am so happy and sickeningly positive all the time.
Living with my brother is so awesome!
Personal training is my new dream job!
Help me find someplace to live! I've been given the boot.
Thanks to an awesome co-worker and now friend, I am no longer homeless.
My back hurts.
I'm really poor but things will get better.
I found a new place to live and I love it!
The neighbors upstairs are super noisy.
I'm 33 years old and living in a basement.
Still poor.
And also lonely.
Even though I've made some good friends.
But what happened to the sunshine and rainbows?
I'm going to try internet dating!
What the fuck is wrong with me? Why would I do that again. Fail.
I have the spine of a 53 year old and will probably be wheelchair bound in a couple of years.
Oh no wait, that's a load of bullshit to make me buy a crap load of chiropractic sessions.
My back still hurts though.
Wait a minute. The spiel the chiropractor fed me is strikingly similar to the one I've been told to tell potential personal training clients. Hm.
Maybe I should get a different job that doesn't require me to do things I don't ethically agree with.
And also doesn't turn me into a cripple.
And also allows me to pay rent and buy food without having to borrow money from my parents.
I'm going to try to get a job in film again!
No jobs in film.
Missed Halloween and my birthday because I got H1N1.
And then pneumonia.
But at least I got out of my crap ass lease after taking my landlord to court.
And also found a new great apartment that is adult size.
Got a job! Thanks to my little brother.
Am actually looking forward to working in a call center even though it's the absolute last place I thought I'd ever be working second to McDonalds.
I'm going to try internet dating!
Just kidding.

The end.

I predict 2010 is going to be the year I become addicted to pain killers because I can finally afford them. It's going to be quite a ride my friends. Quite a ride. Stay tuned!

Chevy Chase is alive!!

2009-12-28T20:21:00.000-06:00

So, it turns out that after spending a week with family and friends and always having someone to go out with and also always having someone to stay home with, makes coming home to an empty apartment slightly less enjoyable then you would think. You would think I would be happy to get home and get back into my routine and sleep in my own bed and use all my own stuff. You would think. But it appears that I am more lonely than before I left. Stupid holidays. So I think I'm just going to continue eating chocolate and cookies until I throw up. And then maybe go to bed. That's healthy right?

On a positive note, there seems to be a sitcom on and it looks like it stars Chevy Chase and I thought Chevy Chase was dead so that's good. For him. Good on you Chevy Chase for not being dead. I'm not sure if it's a good sitcom or not because I have it on mute. That's the kind of fun stuff I do around here. Sit around with my TV on mute. Good times.

On an embarrassing note, the other day I was training one of my clients at the gym and we were talking about movies and she said one of her favorites was The Princess Bride and she was like, "Have you seen it?" and I was all excited and started talking about how I'm so glad someone else likes that movie because I felt so lame for liking it and I've seen BOTH of them and isn't Julie Andrews still good even though she's old? And she's like "Both of them?" and I'm like, "Maybe?" and then she said that perhaps I was thinking of The Princess DIARIES and then I was like, "I WAS TOTALLY JOKING! No one likes THOSE movies except ten year old girls right? Princess Diaries. I totally had you going there....ha...ha...."

So, in conclusion, not only did I mistake a classic movie like The Princess Bride for The Princess Diaries, but I also admitted to someone that I actually enjoyed watching The Princess Diaries. Both of them.

Time for more chocolate.

Christmas and Junk

2009-12-26T14:32:00.002-06:00

First off, it's freezing here. Apparently living in Ontario has made me into a sucky little princess because I would just as soon stay inside than do anything else thank you very much. I've been lucky enough that most of my friends here offer to come and pick me up when we go out because I am not enjoying having to go out in a skidoo suit and balaclava to warm up the car and shovel off the 7 feet of snow that seems to constantly be covering it, no matter how many times I sweep it off. But we did have a white Christmas so I guess that's something. Back home it rained so I win that round my friends.

Christmas was pretty awesome though. I got to hang out with many of my friends and spent lots of time with Mom and Dad. My family has a bunch of long standing traditions so we always have a lot of fun whether it's celebrated with my brother and his family or it's just my parents and myself which it was this year.

Christmas Eve is my favorite. Every year my Mom and I watch some hokey Hallmark Christmas movie and every year my Mom can predict the outcome way before me but THIS year at the beginning of the movie, which was about this woman who has to hitchhike to Aspen to marry this Italian dude, and the lady just happened to be Jennifer Grey and I was like, "Jennifer Grey, what happened to you? Why are you in this lame ass made for TV movie?" and then I made a "No one puts baby in a corner" joke and no one got it and I was like, "Dirty Dancing? Hello?" and my Mom's like "What?" and I'm like, "Forget it. I don't even know you anymore.” Anyways, right off the start of the movie I said that wouldn't it be awesome if the Italian dude turned out to be gay and sleeping with his male assistant? And my Mom's like, "Yeah right," but THEN at the end of the movie, Jennifer Grey shows up in Aspen and walks in on the Italian dude in bed with someone and it IS the male assistant! So I was all like, YES! I'M THE BEST AT PREDICTING HOMOSEXUALITY IN LAME ASS MOVIES!" and my Mom was so in awe of my greatness that, in between literal squeals of laughter she actually high fived me. It was the best Christmas movie moment ever.

Except it wasn't the best Christmas movie moment ever because that happened when we were watching another hokey Hallmark movie and this one had Steve from the old Beverly Hills 90210 series in it who still is probably one of the worst actors of all time and, at the end of the movie, he finds out his wife is giving birth to a baby boy and he yells out "Touchdown Jesus!" I'm not even kidding. What does that even mean? Regardless, from that point on, whenever something good happened either my Mom or I would yell "Touchdown Jesus!" and then high five. I guess this year is the Christmas of high fives. And blasphemy.

Today we went boxing day shopping for some reason and we went to Homesense to get this ottoman that my parents wanted and my Dad, at first, tried to carry it but realized it was too awkward so he put it in a cart but didn't actually put it IN the cart like most people would have done but put it ON the cart. Lengthwise. And then tried to push it through the checkout aisle which wasn't actually wide enough surprisingly and people were trying to pay for their stuff or, at least, wait in line but had to keep alternately moving out of the way so my Dad wouldn't hit them, and bending over to pick up all the stuff that my Dad kept knocking off the shelves, and then finally I was like, "Dad. Look what I can do." And I picked up the ottoman and put it in the cart so he could actually move forward without making the cashier start crying. And then everyone in line breathed a sigh of relief because they thought the line would actually start moving forward until my Mom, while she was paying, sent her wallet flying across the counter and, along with it, about $15.00 worth of change. I figured, before we left, I should probably break something just so we could ensure our place in the "families that everyone wants to kill on boxing day" hall of fame but I decided instead to just put my hood on and go outside.

And to finish off this post, I will leave you all with some very helpful Christmas advice: If you happen to look in the mirror this week and wonder why your face has started to break out because that never really happens, it's not because the air is drier here which is what you'll originally think, no, it's actually BECAUSE OF THE 800 COOKIES YOU'VE EATEN SINCE YOU'VE GOTTEN HERE. You pig.

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

The big reveal!

2009-12-19T13:52:00.002-06:00

When I signed in to Blogger today I thought my followers said 11 instead of the usual 14 and I was all WHAT THE HELL ASSHOLES?!!! and then I realized that it actually did say 14. So, um, thanks for following guys.

So, for the past few months I've been secretly looking for a new job. Some people knew, but I never blogged about it because I didn't know if any of my clients read my blog and I didn't want to shatter their entire world and tell them I was leaving until absolutely necessary. But now I have a new job so I guess it's necessary to tell them and, also I guess, everyone else.

There are a couple of reasons why I decided personal training was not something I wanted to do anymore as a full time gig. The first reason is my 85 year old body seriously couldn't take it anymore. A couple of months ago I was reminiscing about way back in time when I used to run five kilometers 2-3 times per week and how, for some reason, I couldn't do that anymore without feeling like I should be in a wheelchair and I started wondering why that was. I was blaming it on getting older but, really, I'm only 34 which is not an age where people normally start packing in the running shoes. And then I started thinking that it's really been since I started training that I had to stop running. And it's only been since I started training that I can't sit for more than an hour before my back and hips start hurting and I can't sleep for longer than 6 hours for the same reason, and then I thought, "Hm. Maybe standing and lifting weights for clients and demonstrating different exercises all day, six days a week isn't that good for me. So then I asked my chiropractor if training is an ok job to have for someone with scoliosis and he was like, "Really, not so much," and I was already having second thoughts about my chosen career because it is really damn hard to make a living doing it because I only get paid for the hours I train and if someone is sick and doesn't show up I don't get paid and if someone wants to stop training after their sessions run out I have to go find another client and it's really stressful not to have a steady paycheque and to not know from one week to the next how much you're getting paid. That was the second reason by the way. The pay. And the stress about the pay. Are we all caught up now? Ok.

So I decided to start looking for another job. Much to the delight of Tim I'm sure because I'm pretty positive, after listening to me complain about how sore I was every time we talked, he was almost to the point of blocking me from MSN.

What I really wanted to do was work in Film or TV again or maybe something in Event Planning but after 3 months of applying and not receiving ANY RESPONSE AT ALL YOU BASTARDS, I decided to take my brother up on helping me get a job at the call center where he has worked for the past 4 years.

I hemmed an hawed over it though. Working at a call center was never something I really wanted to do. I don't have the patience for morons nor do I have the patience for someone who is treating me like a moron so I was not sure how long I would last on the phones. It would also be an hour and a half commute both ways. And the hours kind of suck. On the other hand, I would make more than I was making now right off the bat, and I would make that salary every month no matter what, which was something I apparently took for granted at all my other jobs. I would only be working 5 days a week instead of six and I would also get three weeks paid holidays as soon as I started, benefits, and paid sick days, none of which I am getting now. The best part was, I wouldn't have to call people and sell them things. They would be calling the bank with a problem or questions or something and I would just have to suggest things that they could sign up for like credit cards or whatever and that was it. Plus, if I did well, I would have the potential to earn quarterly and annual bonuses. I would also get to work at the same place as my brother so I could see him more and he could help me out if I needed it. Plus, he told me that, because I have a lot of management experience, I would likely be promoted within the year which means my hours would get significantly better. So, I decided, what the hell.

My brother had enough pull to get me a phone interview after I sent in my resume but he said the rest was up to me. I had the phone interview last week and it went well so they called me in for an in person interview yesterday.

When I got there I was very impressed. The building was huge, full of offices and had basically a mall on the first floor. There was a gym, tonnes of places to shop and eat and, best of all, a Starbucks! I could have Starbucks every day and never even go outside!! As my brother and I sat and waited and I drank my coffee, I watched all the different people walk by and thought that I could really get to like this. I've never worked for a big corporation before. I've never worked in such a huge building with people all over the place hustling and bustling with big city atmosphere. THIS is why I moved here. This is what I came for.

And then I started to get nervous. I really wanted this job. My brother and I had gone over the interview questions and practiced the phone role play I was supposed to do, so I was prepared, but I was still nervous. What if I totally froze during the phone interview and stuttered and forgot what I was supposed to be doing? What if I started making up words which I sometimes tend to do? Making up words probably doesn't impress too many people despite the fact that I think it's pretty awesome.

But, it turns out, I'm way more awesome that I thought I was. After the interview the guy went in to my brother's office and said I was one of the best he'd ever interviewed and to tell me to give my notice. So I did! My last day at Goodlife is January 22nd and I'm really excited!

I'm really looking forward to starting something totally different, something that I never thought I'd be doing. I'm excited to work in an atmosphere that I've never experienced before. I'm excited to have Starbucks every day! But, mostly, I'm really excited to not work at a place that's slowly turning me into a 34 year old cripple who is still borrowing money from her parents.

And that, my friends, is a pretty sweet feeling.

BRUTAL!**

2009-12-12T23:41:00.005-06:00

So, Saturday Night Live is still brutal. I hadn't watched it for a few years so I turned it on tonight while I was eating my before bedtime snack, which was an apple if you must know, to see if it still sucked and it turns out that it does indeed, still suck. I actually turned off the TV and ate the rest of my apple while staring at the wall. I wish I was joking.

** ** **

How does it happen that I always gain more followers when I don't post? If I stopped posting forever would I get a record number of followers of anyone anywhere? Or are people following me when I don't post as a subtle way of telling me that I shouldn't post anymore. AH HA! Well, I've figured out your clever game and NO ONE puts baby in a corner I'll tell you that much. I'm still posting. So there. Suckers.

** ** **

The other night I was driving home from my friend's house in Toronto and I thought for some reason that I would try to get home without my GPS because I'd driven that route all of one time before so I guess that made me unreasonably brave or something and at first I thought I was doing really good and I was like I AM AWESOME and then I realized I was somehow at the airport and, like, not just at the airport but at a terminal and I was all, "How the fuck did this happen?" while I was rummaging through my purse madly trying to find my GPS and program it while I was driving and trying to forget all the horror stories I had heard about people trying to get out of Pearson which is one of the biggest and busiest airports in the world. And then I thought, what if I was stopped by the police because they thought I was dialing a cell phone rather than trying to program my GPS because dialing and talking on a cellphone is illegal now and I could be strapped with a $500.00 fine and I would have to try to explain what I was doing and the cop would be like, "What are you doing at the airport?" and I would be all, "Dude. I totally don't even know." I would probably just take the fine.

** ** **

And finally, I would like to say, one more time, that I really really wish people who hate Facebook and are pissed off about all their changes and privacy setting horrors would just stop using Facebook. Seriously. I don't think they would care. And by "they" I mean Facebook. Because they are millionaires. And millionaires can basically do anything they want. So go ahead and join the FACEBOOK IS RUINING MY LIFE WE NEED ONE BILLION SIGNATURES TO KILL THE BASTARDS!!!! group OR you can just cancel your account. Either way they won't care.

Also, I will never join that farm thing or mafia wars so you are just wasting your time when you invite me to participate in either of them, or anything for that matter. And I'm sure they're really really fun once you get into them but I think I'm just going to pass. But thank you anyways. Really.

Peace.

**whoever guesses the significance of the title wins a prize!

Just when you least expect it: BAM! Uncomfortable.

2009-12-01T13:29:00.003-06:00

Sometimes I think, yeah, I could totally have kids and then sometimes, I'm sitting in the doctors office and there are six kids in there all running around and yelling and sneezing snot into their laps and ramming trucks into people's feet and I actually start looking forward to the pap smear because it has to be better then listening to every parent trying very loudly to out parent all the other parents and then I think that I don't want any part of this ever in my whole life and maybe never having sex is actually a good thing because what if all this happened by accident? And so I actually consider asking the doctor to, while she's down there, maybe accidentally puncture an ovary or something just in case. But then I don't because that probably would have been really painful.

** ** **

I'm not even going to comment on the Rider's heartbreaking loss because I'm still crying. I will, however, say that if you don't watch sports and don't have a favorite team who you cheer for no matter what happens, you will never ever understand what it means to be a Rider fan and you will never ever understand how upsetting it is when your team loses. So, maybe, because this is something you won't ever understand, maybe stop making jokes about how much the Riders suck and how funny it is that they lost. Or maybe try to at least learn the rules of the game. Or actually watch a game. It might make your clever digs more credible.

Also, the Riders still kick ass so everyone should just deal with that.

Get your freak on.

2009-11-11T19:25:00.005-06:00

I was driving to work the other day and found myself behind a van with the name "T & A Cleaning Supplies" stenciled on the back. Is it just me or is that a really unfortunate choice of initials for a company name? No? Just me? Ok.

** ** **

I'm still loving my new place for those who are wondering. It doesn't have a lot of counter space in the kitchen though so I went to Walmart to buy one of those cool microwave stand hutch things but apparently microwave stand hutch things are really expensive and so is anything even remotely close to a microwave stand hutch thing and it turned out that I could only afford a card table that was on sale so I put my microwave on that but it's really not sturdy and sort of dips in the middle so I had to put a pie plate half under the microwave so I could open the door. I think tomorrow I'm going to phone one of those home decorating magazines and ask if they want to take a picture of my kitchen because this card table/pie plate thing I got going on looks pretty fantastic. Hardly hillbilly at all.

** ** **

Today is Remembrance Day in Canada. It's the day when we remember all the men and women who fought for our country and things of that nature. Everywhere in Canada on the 11th day of the 11th month at the 11th hour, everyone stops for two minutes of silence and pays respect to those who fought for our country.

At the gym in which I work, there were posters announcing the fact that at 11:00am today, everything would stop, and we would have our two minutes of silence. "What a great idea!" I thought, and I arrived at work with a poppy on my uniform, ready to take part. In Saskatchewan, Remembrance Day is a holiday and I always go to the ceremony at the cenotaph but apparently in Ontario they don't really care about things like this for some reason because I guess it's not important anymore? I don't know. Anyways, I digress.

At about 10:55 I sat myself down in the office and started working on training programs, waiting for the music to go off in the gym to give me a cue that the moment of silence was taking place. But it never went off. And then I realized that everyone had already started because it was happening on TV. So I jumped up and stood with the others, waiting for someone to please for the love of god turn off the crappy dance hits music that plays endlessly every day, but no one did. So we all just stood there and paid our respects with Miley Cirus in the background letting us all know that there is a party in the USA over and over again. We get it Miley. There's a party.

And then, after the two minutes was over, everyone went back to their training. Until the people at the front desk realized that they had forgotten the moment of silence and somehow didn't notice everyone else in the gym standing with their heads bowed, so they decided to have the moment of silence at 11:15 instead and turned off all the lights and music and everyone else in the gym, who had done this once already, looked around at each other wondering what the hell was going on.

And then, as the topping of the Remembrance Day cake, the group exercise instructor came running out of the room where she was instructing a class, freaking out because SOMEONE TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS WHO TURNED OUT THE LIGHTS CAN SOMEONE PLEASE TURN ON THE LIGHTS?

So that was pretty much an embarrassment for all Canadians everywhere.

** ** **

Speaking of embarrassment, my brother and I went out for lunch today to Wendy's which was not my choice but whatever, so he could give me my birthday present which he had forgotten to give me on the day I moved, and I'm eating one of their craptacular salads and I just start coughing in the middle of a bite and, I'm not even kidding, had probably one of longest, loudest coughing fits of all time. I have never coughed that long or that violently in my life. I'm guessing it went on for 10 minutes. And I couldn't catch my breath and I tears were running down my face and I was gagging and wheezing and people were watching me and probably cursing me because I had brought the plague to Wendy's. It was so fucking awesome and hardly embarrassing at all. And my brother just looked like he wanted to run away. And did at one point to get me another napkin. And then, after I was finally done, I could barely talk for fear of setting myself off again and was so exhausted that I could barely carry on a conversation. So the lunch ended a bit early. Which was, I'm pretty sure, a huge relief to my brother because that meant he no longer had to sit with the coughing freak. At Wendys. *I* was the freak at Wendys.

It was a very proud day for everyone.

An exciting play by play of the first day in my new apartment!

2009-11-08T18:01:00.000-06:00

Get up at 8:30 am.
Walk around the apartment and look at all the piles of crap and boxes and cleaning supplies.
Go back to bed.
Get up again at 10:30am.
Eat a bowl of stale bran twigs because I have no food.
Kill a wasp.
Kill another wasp.
Think I just stepped on a wasp in my bare feet.
Almost pee.
Realize it’s only my computer cord. Same thing.
Decide I should probably get dressed seeing as the cable guy is coming soon.
Get dressed.
Start cleaning and unpacking.
Kill another wasp.
Realize wasps and probably lady bugs are coming from the patio umbrella currently sitting in my living room.
Put patio umbrella on my balcony.
No more wasps.
Decide to tackle the kitchen.
Find surprise gifts left in the drawers by the previous tenants.
Cable guys come.
Discover I get a DVR! Now I can watch even more TV!
Take a break.
Cough for about 25 minutes.
Eat cookies.
Continue with the kitchen.
Hang out with friend who brought me dinner.
Finish kitchen!
Decide floors can wait until tomorrow.
Sit.

THE END!

MY LIFE IS SO EXCITING!

Moved!

2009-11-07T23:47:00.002-06:00

I can't sleep so I thought, hey, rather then go to bed and try to rest after moving all day while, at the same time, trying to recover from the Swine Flu, why don't I post? Why indeed.

So, the move went really well. It took quite a bit longer than I thought because we had less people than I had anticipated and, despite my best efforts, I was pretty useless due to the wheezing and frequent resting and the not being able to carry anything remotely heavy in an effort to avoid losing my breath and falling on my face, but, unfortunately, the fact that there were fewer people there meant that I had to do more so I just had to suck it up like a good little princess.

The people that did come, however, were great. One of my clients/friends from work actually brought her husband who didn't even know me AND he was sick. If it wasn't for them, I would probably be still moving right now at 1am. And also crying.

Anyways, I'm moved. And the place is great! So far. For the 5 hours that I've been here by myself. It's super big and really quiet and doesn't smell like rice. It's pretty much my dream home. No, it isn't. But it's still really awesome! I'm really excited to start unpacking and make it into my own place. I'm not as excited about the cleaning. Although I did manage to do some of it tonight before I completely ran out of steam. Baby steps, princess. Baby steps.

Before I left I had started to try and sell some of my stuff I never use online so as to try to ease the moving burden and, one of the items I was selling was the sweet battery powered lawn mower I bought last summer when I actually had a yard. I was beginning to think that I wouldn't sell it before I left when, lo and behold, some dude emailed me this morning. It's been super nice here lately so, much to everyone's surprise, lawns still have to be mowed but stores have already taken the lawn mowers off the shelves. Suckers.

So, this guy and his wife came at the very last minute to pick up the lawn mower and I gathered everything together so that, when they got there, I could just hand them everything and, when they arrived I showed them how to put the little key in the key thing and how to make the lawn mower start and I was all, "IT'S SO EASY!" and then I handed them one of the pieces that came with the lawn mower and I was like, "Now, THIS is....something....that goes....here....maybe....I'm not entirely sure what it does though." "Oh," he says, "that must be the mulcher." And I was like, "Yeah. Mulcher. And this trough thing is...also....a part....and..", "It goes on the side for the clippings," he says. And I'm all, "Right. I never use...things. Here!" And I shoved the bag in his face and stood there like a total girl who has never used a lawn mower before but I HAVE used a lawn mower before. I just never used the part things. And I knew how to take the bag off and he didn't so there.

Ok, I've entertained you all enough. I'm going to bed.

The week of nothing

2009-11-02T11:39:00.002-06:00

This week was supposed to be a really busy week. Sunday was the day of the big move away from the upstairs crazies. I had taken this morning off so the cable and internet guys could come in, then I was to meet up with the gals from work for a birthday lunch. I had taken Tuesday night off, which is my actual birthday, because I had arranged a birthday supper for me and a group of friends. The rest of the week was packed with my normal clients plus the clients I had to fit in from Monday morning and Tuesday night PLUS I had to get my court case together which was to happen on Friday.

And then I got sick.

Thursday I felt shitty, Friday I felt shittier, so Saturday I went to the doctor. I told him my symptoms and he told me that they were all symptoms of H1N1 which he was sure that I had. He said he would test me if I wanted but 99% of those tested with my symptoms came back positive for the Swine Flu. He also said I needed to stay away from people for 7 days from when I first started feeling sick and I especially shouldn't go to work because of my close interaction with my clients.

But I'm supposed to move on Sunday, I said. And it's my birthday. And I'm poor. I can't afford to not work for a week. I can't even afford to not work for a day.

It's up to you, he said. But I would highly recommend not moving or working until you've been better for 48 hours. At least.

So, I fought back tears, took the prescription, got the medication and some really expensive food from the pharmacy, and went home. And that's where I've been since then.

Things have so far worked out though. I contacted my asshole landlord saying that I wasn't going to be moving until the following Saturday and he really wasn't an asshole at all. He said my health was the most important thing and to let him know if I needed anything. I thought that was nice. I re-booked the U-Haul and most of the people who were going to help me move still can, with a couple of new additions. The cable people are coming on Sunday. The internet will have to wait a week but maybe I can steal someone else's in the meantime. My parents are going to lend me the money that will be missing from my paycheque. And now I have time to get my court case together so I will really kick ass on Friday. The only really crappy thing is I had to cancel both my birthday lunch and supper but I'm sure I'll live.

The best part though, has been all the well wishes and offers of help. My fever finally broke Sunday morning and I woke up literally soaking wet which was super gross but I also woke up to tonnes of emails and Facebook messages and phone calls from people asking how I was and asking if I needed anything. I even had one friend bring over some toilet paper because I had forgotten to get some when I was at the store. It's really been awesome. Being sick sucks and I feel like garbage but, whenever I feel lonely or down, I'm always going to think about this week and how many people were there for me when I needed them. It's a nice feeling.

And now a brief lecture: Don't go to work when you're sick. Especially now. It doesn't make you a hero. Also, cover your mouth when you cough. I actually had to ask a grown woman in the pharmacy who was coughing all over the soup to please cover her mouth for the love of god what's wrong with you you're an adult for crying out loud. KIDS cover their mouth. Most of them even use their arm like we're being told. She actually looked at me like it was something she never had really even considered. Now I'm not saying to join the panic in the streets about the Swine Flu and I'm not even saying go get vaccinated (if it was actually available) because I don't really care. All I'm saying is if you have flu symptoms don't go to work. And cover your mouth. That's it. Because this really isn't that fun and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Anyhoo, now I'm going to ask for your help! As I noted above, tomorrow is my birthday. Normally I really love birthdays. I love getting gifts and having cake and blowing out candles. I love the entire day being all about me even if it's just all in my head. When I was at home my mom would cook me whatever I wanted and make me whatever cake I wanted and, whenever I wasn't living at home, I would always go out for a birthday supper or birthday drinks or whatever. And to top it all off, I would always throw a big themed birthday party for myself to celebrate even further. Tomorrow I obviously can't do any of those things. But, rather than feel sorry for myself which I am wont to do on occasion, I'm trying to think of something to do here alone that I wouldn't normally do that is sort of celebratory to make the day special. At first I thought I would make a really good meal but I don't really have a lot of food nor do I have a lot of energy to stand for a long length of time. Then I thought I would order take out but I don't have a lot of money. Or any money really. So then I thought I would just lay around all day watching movies and eating cookies and chocolate but that's basically what I've been doing for the past 3 days so it wouldn't be that special. So, give me some ideas! What can I do?! You guys are smart.

Go.

Adventures in Toronto or Why I should never leave my house

2009-11-01T10:58:00.004-06:00

I had an appointment in Toronto last week and, even though it would only take me about 30-40 minutes to get there, I gave myself 2 hours because I know me and I knew I would somehow get lost at least once. My biggest fear right now, because I don't know Toronto at all and it's so huge, is getting lost while walking around and not being able to find my car. I've been there a few times but I still don't have any established landmarks or, really, any concept of where anything is. Plus I'm directionally challenged and still get lost in places where I've lived for 20 years.

So, I drive there with my GPS and I'm paying very close attention to where everything is and I find where it is I'm supposed to be but I'm an hour early so I decide to find a place to park and go have a coffee or something and oh look! there's a Second Cup right by the building where my appointment is so, great, I just need to find a parking spot close by and find the Second Cup again and I'm golden. I'll just keep going straight and not turn so I know that once I find a place to park all I need to do is go straight back down this street. Perfect plan.

I drive for about 8 blocks and can't find an outdoor parking lot so I opt for an indoor parking garage which is under construction, so I end up driving around in circles for 20 minutes before I find a spot. And then, once I find a spot, I have no idea how to get out of the parking garage.

After wandering around for about 10 minutes I find two exits to stairs to two different streets. Now, this would be good news if I had remembered which street I had entered from which I do not. I decide to just guess and exit onto a street that, of course, doesn't look familiar at all. But I do know that my appointment is supposed to be on Front and University so I walk to one end of the street to see if the intersecting street is the one I want and it isn't so then I walk to the other end and same thing there and, oh yeah, I'm wearing heels, so I finally stop and ask this concierge dude who I've walked past three times how I would get to Front and University and he says, "The front of the University?" and I'm like, "Seriously you thought I was asking that?" because Front and University is a pretty key intersection in Toronto and he's like, "Oh, ha ha," and tells me which direction to go.

So, I walk the 8 blocks and I find the Second Cup again and by this point I only have half an hour but I decide to go in anyways and have a tea and use the washroom. I get the giant key from the cashier and she points out which way to go and I go the wrong way and end up having to ask someone how to get to the washroom. Seriously.

After my tea, and with 10 minutes to spare, I exit the Second Cup and walk two blocks in the wrong direction before I realize I'm actually walking away from the building I'm supposed to be at. I turn around.

Shockingly I actually make my appointment on time and, after it's over, I take out the little piece of paper on which I have written the street and street number to the entrance of the parking garage. Giving myself a congratulatory pat on the back for thinking of writing down the address, I immediately head in the exact opposite direction of the one which I should be going, realize my mistake, and start the 8 blocks back to the parking garage. And then I pass it. And then two blocks later I realize I passed it and go back. And then I find the address but there isn't an actual entrance. And then I realize I'm pretty screwed and have no idea what to do so I decide to just walk around aimlessly for a while and then I find the entrance to the parking garage for cars but apparently not for people but I decide to go in anyways because I've entirely run out of options so I slowly try to maneuver down the steep ramp, in heels, hoping that a car doesn't decide to enter or exit until I've made it down.

Once I make it down I realize I have no idea where to go. I know I'm parked on the 3rd level but I can't find a staircase or an elevator. So, I go into this office thing and ask a guy who shows me where the elevator is and I take the elevator which does in fact lead me to the 3rd level but I can't for the life of me find the section that my car is in.

So, for about 25 minutes I walk around the parking garage dodging cars and looking for my own. Did I mention I'm wearing heels? Oh, and also I'm pretty sure at this point that I'm getting sick.

And then I find it. And I almost cry with joy.

Then I get ready to leave and am confident that I'll find my way out of Toronto because I now have my GPS but, before I do actually leave I put my little card in the machine and realize this little adventure has cost me $22.00. To park. For 2 hours. Are you fucking kidding me.

So, then I'm like, SCREW THIS and just totally gun it and yell, "$22.00 THIS bitches!" and drive right through the gate thing and then I realize that it's rush hour and I'm trying to exit onto Front Street and no one will let me in. So I have to pay the $22.00 anyways. And also pay to replace the gate.

It was a good day.

**Note: This entire story is true.

**Note: Except for the last part about the driving through the gate and the yelling.

**Note: But in my head that happened so it's basically the same thing.

**Note: And it turns out I actually was getting sick and am sick and have to quarantine myself for 7 days but I'll leave that story for another time because this post is way too long already.

Avon calling!

2009-10-28T06:47:00.004-06:00

Yesterday I officially became an Avon lady. Yes, that is how exciting my life has become. And, the worst part is, I'm actually really excited about it. When the Avon representative from my area came over to walk me through the company she probably thought she had hit the jackpot. I was so excited about everything! Reese Witherspoon is the spokesperson?!! They have shoes now?!! I get a free lotion?!!! It was pretty sweet. She had this kind of spiel about why selling Avon was awesome and one of the questions she asked was why people would rather buy Avon then go to Walmart and I said because they don't have to deal with hillbillies and I guess that wasn't the right answer because she didn't really laugh or smile and basically just kept going but I wasn't really trying to be funny because, really, Walmart isn't the most high class place to shop. And hillbillies really piss me off.

So, then, after I signed all the contracts and stuff, I packed my sweet ass Avon bag all up with books ready to go back to the gym where I work and pass them out and, as I was driving there, I was envisioning how I would probably get a record amount of customers right away and I wonder what my cool free gift was going to be and I hope it's a pony or something, and then I walked in the door at work and literally, right inside my door, in my gym, is a lady at a table covered in Avon books handing them out to the members. I couldn't believe it. I guess she signed up to have the table a couple of weeks ago and no one knew, except for the boss who hasn't been there for three weeks, that I was going to be doing the same thing. But, rather then freak out, I was like, "Ok, I can deal with this," and I calmly walked up to her with one of my books in my hand, held it up to her face and said, "Game on bitch," and continued walking into the locker room. I think we know who won that round.

** ** **

Update on my living situation:

Sent my landlord an official request to assign my apartment because, apparently if you do this and they don't respond for 7 days, then you can give our 30 days notice and end your lease.
He didn't respond for 7 days.
Sent him my 30 days notice.
Responds, finally, that he has said that I could rent out the place from the BEGINNING and that the guy I found won't pay his deposit after he asked him TWO TIMES and that I have to find someone else that IS REALLY SERIOUS.
I respond that he had 7 days to answer my request and it is too late and that I'm tired of being ignored.
I end the email with "See you in court," because I am so bad ass and have always wanted to say that.
I don't add "You fucking asshole," even though I really want to.
He responds today that he's not accepting my notice.
I decide I'm not going to email back anymore.
Court date is next Friday.
Might start drinking again.

** ** **

Best news ever!!! I commented on my friend May-B's blog about how she should make me a cool banner so maybe people would actually start reading my blog because she's really good at it and all the banners she makes are really really cool and I was just kidding but she did! And it's really cool and awesome!! But I don't know how to add it to my blog so I have to wait for instructions.

Stay tuned!

#2 - Dirty Dude

2009-10-18T12:54:00.002-06:00

Because there is such a huge gap in the space between this post and the only other post in the countdown, explanation is probably required to remind everyone that I promised to post my top three crappy apartment related posts. This is number two. Obviously.

I'm sort of high maintenance when it comes to living with another person. I like things to be clean and quiet and it irritates me when those I live with don't share my vision. For that reason there have been few people I've lived with and still actually liked after the fact. One of those people is my brother. I'm not sure if it's because we were both brought up in the same place, but we've lived together on a couple of occasions and I've found him to be one of the easiest people to live with. We both have the same standards of what is quiet and what is clean and those standards enabled us to live with each other, as adults, quite peacefully. And I say "as adults" because as children we hated each other and I'm sure on many occasions my parents would have preferred we lived elsewhere.

On one such living together experience, my brother brought one of his best friends along for the ride. His name was Chonny. No, it wasn't Chonny, but that's what I called him. And the reason is only hilarious to me. Chonny, however, is not a main character in this story. Chonny was actually great to live with. He's a really nice guy, very clean, quiet, and best of all, did what I said which is a quality I enjoy in anyone, not just roommates.

Sadly for us, Chonny decided that he wanted to move out with his girlfriend(who is now his wife) and my brother and I decided, rather than look for a two bedroom apartment, we would try to find a roommate. Why I thought I could live with a complete stranger when I struggled to live with friends I don't know.

We put an ad in the paper and after a few interviews and one explanation that, yes, you did in fact need a job to pay rent, we decided on Dude*. Dude seemed like a really good guy. He was nice, he had a job, and he didn't say that our basement was the perfect size in which to practice his karate moves. Best of all, he cooked, and he was willing to cook us meals whenever we wanted. Sweet ass. So, Dude moved in.

Dude had this big stainless steel pot which soon was upon our stove simmering with sauces and soups and other delicious smelling things. My brother and I partook in sampling some of the foods and were impressed by Dude's cooking ability.

After a week or so, however, we started to notice another side of Dude. The dirty side. Until I had the pleasure of living with Dude, I had always thought the rings around the bathtubs showcased on commercials for cleaning products were greatly exaggerated for the sake of selling such products. Dude soon showed me the error of my thinking. The rings, my friends, they do exist. And they existed in my tub every day. Every day he left a ring the likes of which I have never seen and will probably never see again. I didn't really know what he did for a living but I was beginning to think it only involved rolling around in the dirt. And I really don't have a problem with people having jobs where they get dirty, or really, even if they leave a ring around the tub. What I do have a problem with is not having the common courtesy to clean the tub every once in a while. Or maybe even right after soaking in your own filth during your hour long girl bath. Maybe then.

Dude also liked to buy large amounts of meat and then leave them on the counter all day in the heat before cutting them up and storing them in the freezer. After realizing this, my brother and I thought it best to start declining the offers of free home cooked meals.

Lucky for me, my bedroom was right above his and, after a few weeks, I started to notice a distinct smell wafting from his window into mine. It was a mixture of rotten food and street people. I had to start closing my window at night.

Then came the ants. It was at that point that my brother and I thought it best to go downstairs and investigate. After a few minutes of searching, my brother came upstairs with the news that he had never seen anything so disgusting. Fast food bags and old food and spilled pop littered Dude's living quarters. There were ants everywhere. And that was only what he found after a quick inspection.

I broke the news to Dude that, because the ants were starting to make their way upstairs, he would have to clean up his mess. He readily agreed and, after about an hour of cleaning and scrubbing he came upstairs with a mop and bucket of the most disgusting dirty water I've ever seen, quite pleased with himself.

It was then that I noticed that what I was looking at was not a bucket of water, but a pot. And not just A pot but THE pot from which my brother and I enjoyed the sauces and soups from better times. Apparently the pot he often used for cooking food also doubled as a mop bucket. And, really, lord knows what else. I nearly puked.

And then we moved.

The end.

** ** **

An update on my current living situation in bullet form with tense changes:

Submitted an application of complaint to the tenant board.
Told landlord to expect a package with the court date in the mail.
Landlord said that making the complaint was "best for both parties" because the neighbors didn't think they're making any noise.
Explained to landlord, again, that I was making the complaint, not against the neighbors but against him.
Landlord repeats that me making a complaint is "best for both parties".
Confused. Is landlord tricking me or stupid?
Find a person to rent apartment.
Landlord meets person and asks me if it's ok with me if he moves in December.
I respond that I don't care when he moves in. I explain to him, again, that I would like my deposit back regardless or I am still taking him to court.
I remind him, again, that I am asking for compensation well above the deposit amount and explain, again, that I have witness reports and emails documenting his inaction towards the noise.
Landlord finally realizes what's going on. Seems surprised.
I decide landlord is, in fact, stupid.
Landlord won't allow anyone to move in because of the court action.
I remind him that it is outlined in the tenants rights that he has to allow me to fill the vacancy or he is breaking the law.
Landlord doesn't respond.
Court date is to be set next week.
In two weeks I move.
2 days before my birthday.
I have one person to help me.
Good times.

**(I'm not using his real name on the off chance that he reads this even though I'm pretty sure he can't read)

A quick shout out to Grey's Anatomy

2009-10-02T20:15:00.002-06:00

I'm not a huge crier in real life. And by "real life" I mean I don't cry often about real things. I don't like crying in front of people and, if you ever do see me cry, you will know that it's a big deal.

Now, that's not saying that I never feel like crying. I'm not actually dead inside. For example, for the past two weeks I've been getting so frustrated and angry dealing with this apartment shit and other shit that's shitty and even shittier because I've come to accept that I will probably have to deal with shit like this all by myself for the rest of my life, that I've felt like crying many many times, especially today because I've succumbed to the fact that I'm probably going to have to live here below the neighbors from hell until June and beg the new place which I love for my deposit back. And by beg I mean probably sleep with someone. Because I'm not above that.

So, thank god for Grey's Anatomy because every time I watch it, no matter what happens, at the end of the episode I bawl my eyes out. Even if it's just a little sad, once I start crying about fake things that are happening to fake people on TV, the real things in my real life that are bothering me take over.

And I totally let go.

So, thanks Grey's Anatomy. If it wasn't for you I would probably just keep all my sad and angry and frustrated emotions bottled up inside and one day just explode in a destructive torrent of grief.

Tonight I actually feel a little bit better.

Although, come to think of it, it might not be tears running down my face but possibly sweat because the people upstairs control the heat and it is SO FUCKING HOT DOWN HERE that I am actually not wearing a shirt.

The next 6 months are just going to FLY by.

Remember that time when I was all about positivity and choosing happiness and loving life and sunshine and rainbows and AREN'T WE ALL SO LUCKY JUST TO BE ALIVE?!!

Yeah, that's over.

#3 - Tub o' shit

2009-09-28T13:01:00.004-06:00

I know I said that I would post about the top five shitholes that I've lived in but I realized that I don't really have five good shithole-type stories. What I do have, however, are five good apartment themed stories so that's what I'll count down. And by five I mean three. So, basically I'm a giant liar.

Moving on.

#3 - Tub o' shit

I've moved many times during my long and exciting life and, because I am often poor, many of the apartments I've lived in are in the "transitional areas" of the cities in which I reside. And when I say "transitional" I'm being very generous.

One such place was in an area in my home town that had been transitioning for about 15 years when I moved there and I'm pretty sure that even today, everyone who currently owns property in that area is still eagerly awaiting for the transition to occur. To them I say, good luck.

The apartment building I lived in was actually quite nice. It was a low rise right across from the hospital and the street I lived on was not that bad. The apartment itself was big and clean and well maintained. I thought I had gotten a pretty good deal.

One day, after living there a couple of months, I heard a slight gurgle coming from the tub after flushing the toilet. "Hm," I thought.

The next day I came home to find that my tub was full of shit. Real shit.

I called my landlord.

"Hi, it's #212. There appears to be, um, shit in my tub......No, like actual shit.....and it also appears that my toilet won't flush.....right.....can you have someone come take a look and clean it up?......yeah, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to do that....great, thanks."

So, some plumbers came in cleaned the pipes out or whatever and the building manager cleaned out the tub and everything was a-ok.

Until the next day when I came home from work to find my door open and the building manager on her hands and knees once again scrubbing out my tub.

"Hi!," she says. "Don't worry! I used bleach and everything this time!"

This time?

"Yeah, it was pretty gross. It actually overflowed onto your floor!"

What?

"Yeah, you might want to get a new bath mat. Ha!"

That is not even close to being fucking funny.

"It's all clean now though! You shouldn't have any problems. It's all fixed up!"

Aaaaand.....wait for it....it wasn't.

So, the next time it happened I phoned my landlord in a rage, giving my notice and demanding that they reimburse me for my ruined bath mat and shower curtain.

Which they didn't do.

The end.

** ** **

So, currently, this is where the apartment situation stands:

I found a great apartment which is awesome and within my price range so I put down a deposit to hold it until November 1st. However, my landlord is an asshole and is refusing to acknowledge any emails or phone messages of complaint about the noise upstairs and the fact that I feel I was mislead when he told me the apartment was quiet. One of my clients who works at a law firm told me that he is doing that deliberately because any admission of reception of the emails and phone messages of complaint could be an admission of negligence on his part and, if I don't have any proof of the noise or of him telling me that the place was quiet, he can still hold me to my lease until the end of March if I don't find someone to take my place. And he can continue to cash my post dated cheques and, even if I cancel the cheques, legally charge me if I leave. He did, however, respond immediately to my email asking that if I found a person would they have to sign a years lease. The answer is yes. Douche. Bag.

So basically, because I jumped the gun on my potential new place and paid the deposit because there really isn't a lot out there, if I can't find anyone to take my place here, I'm totally fucked. And not in a good way. It's never in a good way.

But on a positive note, my lunch today is delicious.

Take THAT landlord.

Oh yeah, I have a blog.

2009-09-25T12:48:00.005-06:00

So, it turns out, when you have a blog people actually expect you to post things. You guys are so high maintenance. And I'm saying that like more than one person made a point of asking me when I was going to post again. Which did not happen. The best part about me being absent for so long though is that I actually GAINED a follower. What the fuck? I've had the same amount of followers for almost the entire time I've been posting and I take a month off and actually gain one more? Awesome. I'm totally never posting again just to see how many followers I'll get. I'M INTO DOUBLE DIGITS NOW PEOPLE. How cool is that. Double. Digits.

So, why was I away for so long? Who knows. I've been busy and stuff. Tired. I also blame Mad Men. Most of my free time has been spent either sleeping, trying to sleep, or watching Mad Men. And yes, surprisingly, I am still single. It's a crazy crazy world when someone doesn't want to date a non-stop riot like me.

But the excitement doesn't stop there. I did actually do things. Like what? Like this:

A couple of weekends ago I went to my friend's son's third birthday party which was awesome. We went to this orchard and picked apples. Real ones! I was so pumped. I was probably as excited if not more so than all the kids. I could just contain it better. Outside I exhibited a mature calm exterior at all times while, inside my head I was all WHEN DO WE GET TO GO PICK APPLES!? WE GET TO GO ON A HAY RIDE?! WHEN DO WE GET TO GO ON THE HAY RIDE?HEY THERE'S A HORSE!DO WE GET TO RIDE WITH THE HORSE?HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THOSE APPLES!DO WE GET TO PICK THOSE?!CAN WE EAT THEM?!CAN I TAKE SOME HOME?!CUPCAKES!

You might have guessed but, we don't really have that kind of thing where I'm from. You could probably go pick a bag of wheat somewhere if you wanted to but most people don't.

Then, last weekend, I went to my friend May-B's wedding which was also awesome. It was the first time I'd been home since I left in February and, to be honest, the whole "going home" experience was a bit bizarre. When I got there, it really felt like I had never left. It was like the life I had here was an entirely different life. It existed, but it didn't exist as solidly as when I was actually living it.

Whenever I've left home it was to either do something similar to what I had been doing or do something totally different with the understanding that it was a break from what I was doing and that I would be going back to my regular life eventually. What? Did anyone understand that? Try reading the sentence again. Good? Ok, carry on. I've never left to do something completely different to what I was currently doing with the intention of not returning to how things were. Until now. And I never really understood how totally different my life is here until I returned home to visit.

Back home(And I use the word "home" very loosely because where I am now is very much home to me, more than any other place I've moved to.) I'm a film producer. I have a diverse group of many friends. I have something to do and someone to do it with all the time. I have my parents. I eat pretty healthy but slack off quite a bit. I try to work out 3 times a week but usually just manage 2. I play a lot of sports. I have coffee groups and house parties and drinks on patios. I have a 9-5 job that pays pretty well but I generally hate it. I am under a lot of stress. I own my own house. I have an interest in health and fitness but don't really know much about it. When I am not at work I try my best to pretend it doesn't exist.

Here I'm a personal trainer. I have a few friends, some of them close who I hang out with on occasion, but at the same time, I've developed great relationships with all of my clients who have become like friends to me. I don't go out very often. My parents are far away. I eat very healthy and rarely slack off. I work out diligently 5 times a week. I play one sport. I watch a lot of TV on my lap top. I have a split shift job that pays pretty shitty but I generally love it. I don't have a lot of stress. I live in a bachelor basement suite. I know way more about health and fitness then I ever thought I could. Speaking about nutrition and anatomy has become second nature to me. I know how the body works and how you can change it. Every day I surprise myself at how much I've learned and at how much there still is to learn. When I'm not at work I'm often researching so that I can do my job better.

It's bizarre to me how different my life has become. And it's equally bizarre how easily I can sink comfortably into one while still being only somewhat conscious of the other. Both lives have their good and bad points. I love my job but I'm lonely a lot. It would be pretty sweet if I could somehow combine them both into one perfect life. I'm going to start seeing what I can do about that.

So, the wedding was really great and fun. I teared up at the beginning when May-B walked down the aisle to "Feels like home to me" by Chantal Kreviazuk and then again after I got home and found out that they already had gotten secretly married two months before. She still looked stunning however, and I still got to eat cake so it didn't really matter to me whether they had gotten married beforehand or not.

Also in the time I was away, I got another abnormal mole removed from my back so I was a bit freaked out about that. The doctor said it's probably ok though so I feel better. After taking it off he told me that I shouldn't get my back wet so that meant not having a shower until the following night and I'm like, "for sure," but in my head I was like, "screw that dude, " because it was so humid that day it felt like I was melting and the clinic's air conditioning was broken so for the past 20 minutes I had been laying in a puddle of my own sweat so when I got home I was like, "I'm totally sticking it to the man and having a shower, this doctor who knows what he's talking about isn't the boss of me!" And now I think my back is infected. So, if you see me around, don't touch my back. Or I will probably punch you in the face.

Also, I'm moving again. November 1st. It was either that or kill my upstairs neighbors and, despite the fact that they're assholes, they probably don't deserve to be dead. To celebrate the occasion I'm going to be posting a sequence of posts counting down the top 5 shit holes I've lived in. And I'm not even going to mention the house I still own because I've already written enough about that and obviously it would be the winner. Or maybe not obviously. Oh the suspense!

Before I move though I have to actually find a place to move to and also find someone to take over my lease. So I guess I better get on that.

And finally, this weekend my friend Imnotbenny is coming down for a visit so, yay!

The End.

No, I would not like some cheese with my whine but thanks anyways.

2009-09-11T09:16:00.003-06:00

So about a month ago I wrote this post about how I become a raging bitch every month and how that almost got me killed by a psycho, and then I was thinking that maybe I should go back on the pill because way back when the sex was actually happening and I was taking birth control, I remember that my monthly symptoms were far less intense. And then also, as a bonus, I could go out and have all the sex I wanted without worrying about anything. What a good time that sounded like. Who wouldn't want to have unprotected sex with strangers all the time? Am I right?

Yeah.

So, anyways, I started taking them a couple of weeks ago and, since then, have felt like total crap. I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning and all day I'm an exhausted mess. I had initially thought I was coming down with something but I can't help now but notice the coincidence. The worst part is that when I train with my trainer I have had to start stopping mid-exercise and taking breaks and that never happens. I will generally push myself to a puking point if needed and, believe me, that has almost happened on numerous occasions. It could be that I'm in a particular phase of my training that is the hardest phase of all time, but I think that's only part of it. Yesterday, she had me doing this asinine circuit that had me walking on my hands in a push up position dragging my feet behind me on weight plates(what the fuck, I know)and half way through I just collapsed and lay on the ground face down while all the ladies on the treadmills turned around and watched, and my trainer said, "Oh. Ok. So, which part did you find the hardest there?" and I said, "WHICH PART? ALL OF THE PARTS. I FOUND ALL OF THE PARTS HARD. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?" So we stopped that one.

So, now what do I do? Stop taking it? Never had sex again? And don't say try another one because I've probably tried them all at some point and this one was the best. Of course, it never made me feel like this. Or maybe I just didn't notice because all of the sex I was having. HA! No.

I think what I'm going to do is wait it out for a few months, which is the time it takes your body to get accustomed to hormone changes I'm told, and see what happens then. Until then, it should be a real treat to be around me. Even more than normal. May-B, next weekend at your wedding if I turn into a weeping puddle on the floor please just try to ignore me. It might help to just give me some cake at the door.

You men out there don't know how good you have it sometimes. Seriously.

I'm sure glad my parents don't read this anymore.

But I'm worth a million in hilarity.

2009-09-05T17:15:00.004-06:00

I was pleasantly surprised after work today to find that a bird had shit all over my car. Like ALL over my car. This bird was seriously ill. I have no idea what this bird ate or what he was up to last night, but the result is all over my car. I should probably clean it I guess.

Nah.

One time, after a night of heavy drinking, I was driving my ex husband home and he's all, "I'm going to be sick," because he's sort of a light-weight and I'm all, "Open the door dude," and he must have thought I meant "window" because of the language barrier I guess so he just opened the window and stuck his head out and I was like, "That was pretty awesome High School."

So the next day I decided I was going to walk to work and he decided he was going to stay in bed because a) he was hungover and b) he didn't have a job and, as I was walking past the car, I noticed that there was something covering the entire passenger side and I was like, "What the fuck is...oh...mother f..." So I went back inside and back into the bedroom and told my ex husband that it was now time to get up because he had to clean up the car because there was his VOMIT all over it and, not only was that disgusting but it was also FUCKING EMBARRASSING and he was all, "I'm not feeling very good," and I'm like, "I'll make you not feel very good," or something and then I said, "If you don't go clean up that car I am totally divorcing you right now."

And that is the story of how we got divorced.

No, it's not.

But he did clean the car.

** ** **

Yesterday I was on the phone with my bank because I wanted to start making contributions to my RRSP again and the guy was asking me all these questions and I wasn't really paying attention because I was chatting online so all my answers were basically, "Sure, that sounds good," and I think he was probably getting annoyed but then he asked me if I still thought I was worth $45,000-$50,000 and I started laughing and he started getting more annoyed, but at least I was paying attention, and he said, "So, no?" and I couldn't answer because I was laughing so hard so then he said, "What do you think you are worth then?" and I said, "What is the lowest I could be worth," and he said, "The lowest we have here is under $25,000," and I was like, "Let's do that one." And then he sighed. And then I went back to not paying attention so I'm not sure what happened after that.

** ** **

And, finally, I am saddened to announce that I will be watching the Labor Day Classic on Sunday by myself for the first time ever because all of my friends refuse to fly down here to watch it with me. And also because most of them are actually going to the game and probably the cabaret after.

I call selfish.

34 is the new 18.

2009-09-04T13:24:00.003-06:00

My upstairs neighbor is out back right now mowing the lawn and it literally sounds like he's running the mower over a bale of hay. It keeps jamming and he keeps stopping and looking at it and I so badly want to go out there and say, yeah, that is what happens when you never. fucking. mow it.

When I moved in here I asked my landlord if I would have to mow the lawn or do yard work because after living in a house with the largest and most frighteningly out of control yard on the planet I've grown to hate it, and he said that, no, the upstairs neighbors do it all. All I have to worry about is shoveling the snow on my half of the driveway. And I thought that was cool because I actually don't mind shoveling snow. But now it is September and the upstairs neighbor has mowed the lawn all of one time all year and the yard was beginning to look like a jungle and it was causing me considerable stress because I actually do have my own high tech battery powered lawn mower but it's broken and I've only had it for a year and it cost me $400 dollars for christ's sake and THAT's stressing me out because I have no idea what to do with it and I've basically wasted $400.00 and, what? I could use their lawn mower? No, I can't, due to the fact that my dad said we could never use the lawn mower at home because THEY ARE SO DANGEROUS so I can't ever use an electric lawnmower without constantly being scared shitless about running over my toe or EVEN WORSE the cord and electrocuting myself to death, so I couldn't even mow the lawn myself if I wanted to. And I don't want to. Which is the point.

So I complained to my landlord that the back yard is starting to look like a jungle and that the neighbors are starting to complain and by neighbors I mean me because, technically, I am a neighbor and he finally, I guess, told the family upstairs to please take 3 hours out of your day to mow the back lawn for the love of god and, yes, it will take you that long.

So, now maybe I can sit outside on my patio this weekend without tensing up into a giant ball of rage. That's something to look forward to.

What sucks about living here is that I don't have the male friend base that I had built up where I used to live. Back home I had two guy friends who, without fail, would come over and do stuff for me every time I called. I need help with my yard. They're there. My roof is leaking at 11:00 at night. Dude is on his way. There are maple bugs everywhere and I'm going insane. Both are at my door with caulking guns and Raid. All I had to do was provide the beer and make them food. It was a beautiful thing. Now my lawn mower is broken and I don't know what to do. I don't want to fix it myself. I want someone ELSE to do it. I want my guy friends to come here. They're the ones who put it together anyways. It just makes sense.

In other news, I decided yesterday that I was going to buy a condo in June because I would really like to not live in a basement bachelor suite when I'm 34 and possibly also have my own laundry so I was pretty pumped for about 12 hours until I found out that I can basically afford nothing because I make about as much a year as I did when I was 18 years old and working at Subway.

Come to think of it, if I was to actually describe my life to someone I didn't know they could very possibly think I was 18. I'm single, living in a basement, making very little money, living pay cheque to pay cheque, and I've actually handed my name out to start babysitting again to make some extra cash. That is slightly depressing.

I think it's time to start drinking again.

Update: I think my neighbor gave up. Awesome.

A brief update of my exciting life.

2009-08-25T19:19:00.007-06:00

Yeah, so I guess I've been gone for a while. Here are some things:

I went to a giant fitness conference in Toronto this past weekend. There were about 4500 people there. Apparently it's the biggest of it's kind in the world. It was pretty sweet. It was three solid days of lectures and workshops and plenty of eye candy let me tell you. Saturday night my company put on this huge fancy pants gala and if you think three solid days of hot male personal trainers was cool, try picturing them all in suits. Hello. Oh yeah, and I learned a lot.

My goals were twofold. One was to learn a lot, which I did. And one was to pick up some dude at the gala, which I didn't because, apparently, being the only sober person at a fancy gala is not as fun as it would seem. So I left early. Which makes me my parents. Whatever.

The best part of the conference was realizing that yes, I do want to specialize in training pre and post natal women. I took a few courses on it and I loved them. AND, when I got home, my books had arrived for my certification course that I'm taking in November so I figure that was Fate telling me I was going in the right direction. Thanks Fate. You're alright.

What I want to do in the future is open my own training studio and train pre and post natal moms and, then eventually, their kids. Women and children have the highest obesity rate right now and childhood obesity itself in North America is at the highest it's ever been, so I think that's a good area to focus on. I'm pretty pumped to say the least.

All in good time my friends, all in good time. I predict good things.

Hiking: In pictures

2009-08-18T19:25:00.013-06:00

So, if you are one of the many many people who read my last post and were picturing me in the beautiful scenery of the place that I linked to, then you will have to go back and erase those memories because we went to to a different place. It was also very beautiful though so it's ok. I am in none of these pictures by the way.

This is some dude from the outdoor club. He and I stuck mostly to the front with the leader.

Every once in a while we had to climb over these ladder things to get into other areas. This photo is a great example of why I don't take pictures for a living because, in real life, it was not actually nighttime on one side of the ladder and daytime on the other.

There were lots of cool bridges over streams. And it was very hot. So every time we went over a stream someone said something about jumping in and swimming HAHAHAHAHA. Funny.

Here is one of many hills that we climbed up and down. It doesn't look very steep in the picture but they were usually quite the climb. You might notice from all the fun hats that most of the people in the group were of retirement age. They were all very nice people but I think I might look for another group with members closer to my age. Although it was refreshing to be the youngest one in the group.

This was the field in which we ate lunch. On the ground. It was very rugged. At the beginning the leader told us that the rule was if you had to go to the bathroom you had to put your backpack down on the path before you went into the bush so that someone knew you were there and you wouldn't be left behind and I was like, "What? Bush? Is that were they keep the bathrooms and hand sanitizer?" Apparently no.

This is just pretty.

At one point, when I was in the middle of the group, we stopped for a break and a guy in the back yelled to the guy at the front that he must have stepped on a wasps nest or something because everyone behind me got stung and the guy in front was like, yeah, everyone in the front got stung too and he himself got stung SIX TIMES and I was wondering where the hell I was when this happened because I didn't even see any wasps so I guess I was pretty lucky unless I had actually blacked out because that's kind of scary. I felt kind of bad for the guy who got stung SIX TIMES but I more felt sorry for everyone else because he would not shut up about it for the rest of the hike and just kept saying over and over again how he got stung SIX TIMES and how his LEGS WERE ON FIRE and, lucky me, we got to sit together on the bus there AND back and every so often, while he was telling me about how he got stung SIX TIMES he would take a quick peek down my shirt. It was awesome.

This is my artsy shot. And by artsy I mean blurry.

So, that's about it. We hiked for about 4.5 hours which, according to the leader, if we accounted for all the hills, was about 15 or so kilometers which I guess is why my knees and hips still hurt today. I had an awesome time though and can't wait to go on my next one. The places to hike around here are beautiful which is yet another reason why I love living here.

In other news, this coming weekend I'm attending a huge fitness conference and trade show in Toronto which is going to be pretty sweet. I'm attending tonnes of workshops and conferences and, from what I hear the whole place is packed full of fit people from all over Canada and the U.S who love fitness and having fun. Saturday night is capped off with a big gala which my company is hosting and apparently everyone just gets loaded and has sex. So, if you're in the area and want to say hi, I will be the only sober one who is likely not having sex for that reason. I should be pretty easy to find.

Musings

2009-08-15T17:55:00.003-06:00

So, today while vacuuming, I started to wonder why my vacuum wasn't really picking up as much as it should so I turned over the brush picker upper thing and it turns out that it wasn't picking up as much as it should not because it cost me all of $50.00, no, it wasn't picking up as much as it should because there was AN ENTIRE HEAD OF HAIR wrapped around the brush. I'm beginning to think that my life is just a series of really disgusting events pieced together and I'm really excited to see what the next one is going to be. Judging from the insane amount of flies in my house and the fact that I can't figure out where they're coming from, I'm going to guess that the next event is going to be me finding a maggot farm in my mattress or something. Cross your fingers.

** ** **

Oh good, someone just started smoking a cigar outside. That makes things better.

** ** **

So, I bought some socks yesterday, which is pretty indicative of the insanity with which my weekend is filled, and I noticed once I got home that they came in a resealable bag. Why would one want socks in a resealable bag do you suppose? For what purpose could a resealable bag possibly come in handy here? I guess, if I didn't want to use all the socks, I could just take out a pair at a time, seal up the bag and put them in the freezer to ensure they stay fresh. What? Help me out here.

** ** **

So, this whole Bloggess/William Shatner/Twitter thing has gotten a bit out of control no? I mean, I love The Bloggess because she's hilarious and makes me laugh out loud every time I read her posts, but I also love William Shatner and also maybe a little more because, for one thing, he's Canadian and, for another, DENNY CRANE you guys. And let's just step back here for a minute, past all the hilarity, and just for a second remember that William Shatner is a celebrity and, on occasion, celebrities have been stalked and even killed by super crazies and I'm obviously not in any way saying that The Bloggess is a super crazy because I'm pretty sure she's not, but I sort of don't really blame William Shatner at all for the blocking. Sorry. I'm just saying.

** ** **

So, tomorrow I'm going on a super awesome hike and I'm planning on taking my camera and posting the pictures when I get back. This is all contingent however on me remembering to bring my camera. And also me actually posting the pictures. Remember the time I went to New York and I said I'd blog and post pictures every day and then I didn't? Yeah, good times. Here's a link to where I'm going just in case. Just picture me standing or sitting in one of the pictures on this website. That's pretty much the same thing. And if you don't know me, or forget what I look like, you can use this. Either picture is fine.

In the midnight hour

2009-08-14T22:29:00.004-06:00

So, apparently when you stay up past midnight and you're reading blogs on your laptop because you just came home from dinner and a movie and you can't get enough of your new ergonomic mouse and bean bag wrist rest, you can see out of the corner of your eye all the giant centipedes that only come out at night but you can't find them because they are also wicked fast but then you do find one and you grab some toilet paper and you sneak up under the table and you squish the crap out of it but then you realize that, even though you squished it, it's detached legs are still moving and as you lift the toilet paper off it in shock you see that the half of the body that you didn't pick up in the wad of toilet paper is still moving as well and you have to actually force back a genuine scream so as not to wake your neighbors, even though they really never sleep, and the scream comes out as a long sort of suffocated squeal which is really an oddity in itself because you never scream at shit like that because you're not a fucking 10 year old girl for christ's sake, and then you realize that if this is the way the after midnight game is played then you really don't want to be a part of that business thank you very much.

Apparently.

PMS can kill you.

2009-08-13T17:16:00.004-06:00

For those who don't know me, based on the tone and content of this blog, you can probably tell that I am normally a true delight to be around. However, and I don't like to admit this because most guys and a lot of girls just think it's a cop-out for being bitchy and sometimes I agree with them but, there are often times when I am hit smack in the face with a good ol' bout of PMS. And by often I mean every two weeks for two to three days. And why do I get PMS every two weeks instead of every month like regular women? Because I am fucking lucky, that's why. And you know who else is lucky? Anyone who is anywhere near me for those two to three days.

Ok, so technically, the second time isn't actually PMS if you're going by the literal definition, it's just the same symptoms, but IT REALLY DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE I STILL FEEL SHITTY SO WHO CARES RIGHT? Right.

Anyhoo.

So, for a couple of days every two weeks I am slightly more irritable than normal, tired, achy and sometimes a bit depressed. Sometimes I am all of those things. Sometimes I am none of those things. The beauty is that I never know until I'm there.

Today and yesterday, as it turns out, I was all of those things. And it so happened, as I was driving home from work, the Universe decided to send me a test. And that test was in the form of a giant douchebag driving behind me.

I guess buddy was in a big hurry because he was swerving in and out of the lanes and honking at people who were going too slow in his opinion and just basically being an asshole, and I was watching his speed car racing antics through my rear view mirror and, because I am also sometimes an asshole, I decided that once he got right behind me I wasn't going to let him pass. So I stayed right in line with the car beside me, which probably almost caused his head to explode, because when the car beside me sped up to the point where I could not catch him, buddy took the chance to speed up with him and slip in and cut me off so then I thought FUCK YOU dude and laid on my horn for probably about ten minutes or likely not but for much longer than was actually necessary and he slammed on his breaks and I was pretty sure he was going to get out of his car and shoot me but then, after I slammed on my breaks, he decided to keep going but instead of actually going he kept slamming on his breaks every 5 seconds or so to try to scare me and he DID scare me because every time he did it I thought for sure THIS was the time he got out of his car and killed me but I didn't want to let him know he was scaring me because HOW COULD I POSSIBLY LET SOME CRAZY PSYCHO THAT I DIDN'T KNOW THINK HE WAS SCARING ME so I continued to ride his ass until my turn came up. Did I mention it was rush hour? It was.

So, anyways, my turn came up so I went into the turning lane and then he actually slammed on his breaks again and made it look like he was going to turn in too because maybe he thought I was scared and was trying to get away and I was like I LIVE THIS WAY ASSHOLE I'M TOTALLY NOT SCARED OF YOU and for a second I actually thought of turning back out and following him some more but then I thought that maybe I would just go home.

And that decision my friends, was the decision that probably saved my life.

I think I'm just going to stay indoors until I feel better.

Porn! But not really.

2009-08-08T21:00:00.005-06:00

So, I'm pretty sure I have given myself carpel tunnel syndrome because my right wrist hurts like a bitch all the time, especially when I use the little mouse pad on my laptop so I've stared to use my left hand to move around the cursor but then it starts to hurt and it's actually much slower than my right hand so then I use my right hand again because my left wrist hurts and also because I forgot that my right wrist already hurts but then I yell FUCK really loud because of the shooting pain and that usually helps me remember. And it also freaks my neighbours out a bit and I can only tell because their constant stomping around upstairs is temporarily silenced. And than I think that my neighbours should be thinking that if they can hear ME yell then maybe I can hear them. All the time. For example I can maybe hear the 16 year old girl tell her 13 year old brother that he has a "typical Asian penis" and I don't even want to guess what the fuck that was all about. Because I don't even really know what a "typical Asian penis" is like but that's ok. Because apparently it's not something to be proud of.

So, I was thinking to myself that maybe, because of my crippled wrists, I might possibly spend too much time on the internet and that maybe I should start to actually socially interact with human beings in person and I thought I'd call my friend Lindsay and see if she wanted to hang out soon but then I thought that was a bit too much effort, what with all the talking and the physically demanding task of forming words and making sounds, so I texted her instead.

But THEN I thought that I actually did socially interact with a human today because I finally got to meet one of my bloggy friends Imnotbenny in person and it was pretty great and for all you people out there who really wanted to meet him in person I am pretty much the winner of that round.

So, I guess, what I learned today is sometimes, socially interacting with a human being is worth the effort of actually having a shower and peeling my laptop off my yoga pants. And also that Asian porn is probably a pretty big let down. Probably.

Too much for Twitter

2009-07-23T18:25:00.002-06:00

I love when I accidentally somehow publish half a sentence of a blog post I'm working on and then can't figure out how to delete it. Awesome.

** ** **

I had to go to a notary public last night to get some documents signed for the selling of my house which was actually more of a challenge then it sounds because I kept asking people if they knew of a "notary republic" which is what I thought it was, and it's actually really expensive to get someone to watch you sign your name and then stamp it for you. When I was on the phone with the booking agent she told me that one document would be $60.00 and every document after would be $25.00 and was that ok? And I was like, "Jesus, I guess so," and then she asked how many documents I had and I was like, "I don't know. Three?" because I was too lazy to get up and check but when I did actually check the next day there was 6 so I was pretty unhappy about the amount I would be paying but when we got there the lady was like, "It says here that it's $80.00, is that what they told you?" and I was all, "YES! Ok, well I guess I should go now before you count or add." Except I didn't say that. I think I just grabbed my papers and ran out the door really fast. It was pretty sweet.

** ** **

Today I finally went and got all the stuff I need to live in Ontario like a real person despite the fact that I've been here since February. I got my plates, license, and health card. So I guess I'm staying here for a while. In order to plate a car from out of province, I needed to get an inspection and I was really worried about it because I didn't think my car would pass but it turns out that the only thing it needed was a pair of windshield wipers which was a relief and the guy asked if I wanted to do it myself or if I wanted to buy them there and he could do it and I told him yes, he could do it because the last time I did it myself they both flew off on the highway during a storm and he laughed and said, "Really?" and then I told him that no, that wasn't really true. It actually was the last two times.

** ** **

Sometimes, when I drive, I get a little ragey and often the swears that come out of my mouth and the names that I call people are not names or swears that I would commonly use or even think of using. So, yesterday I guess I reintroduced "Fuck Face" into my vocabulary. No one was more surprised than me.

** ** **

Today I went to the chiropractor because my lower back and knees have really been bothering me lately and there was a booth set up at a charity thing last weekend and for a $40.00 donation to charity I got to go for a full assessment worth $150.00 so I went. After the "full assessment" which really didn't involve much except for a lot of waiting, the head chiropractor said that I would need to come back for a secondary "disclosure" appointment where they would tell me exactly what was wrong with me and what I could do about it, if anything, because he had some "real concerns" and I was like, "A-HA! So that's where you make your money. I'm on to your little game. Charity my ASS. How much is this "DISCLOSURE" appointment going to cost where you will tell me about all your CONCERNS?" And he said that actually it was free and that I should also get some X-rays which are also free. And I was like, "Oh. So I guess I'll see you on Monday then?"

** ** **

A client of mine told me tonight that she is going to fix me up with a single lawyer at her law firm because she "wants me to get married good" who is, not only a lawyer but a partner in the firm apparently and she told me I should email her a picture and she would send it too him and so I started asking questions about him and then asked what he had asked about me and she said he asked if I was pretty and I was like, "THAT is SO superficial," and she looked at me because I had pretty much asked the same thing except I really only asked what he LOOKED like which basically means the same thing but is more round-about so therefore less superficial in my view. And I was trying to explain that and said, "It's not like I asked if he was hot or anything," and she said that he wasn't hot but nice looking and I said that that was ok because every hot guy I know is also kind of a douche and then I thought that maybe I shouldn't say "douche" in front of a client but she agreed so it was ok. And then I said I would rather have an average looking guy who was funny than a hot guy who was a douche and she said that he IS funny and I was like, "Clever funny or idiot funny, because there's a difference." And then I think she gave up. So, anyways, should I send the old lady picture or no?

New cool blog

2009-07-19T17:18:00.001-06:00

Read it.

http://www.cjkoster.com/

Why I'm a freak.

2009-07-16T19:10:00.006-06:00

So, my friend Imnotbenny, who is one of the funniest bloggers of all time probably, gave me this award:

And it's an old lady who has just recently picked her nose I guess so, ok. I'm honored? I'm not sure what I'm supposed to feel here. I'm going to go with honored. Because it is an award after all. And all awards are good.

So, anyways, as part of the award I'm supposed to list three things that I'm obsessed about. But I'm not really obsessed with anything or anyone so I'm going to write things I'm obsessIVE about AND I'm going to do 4 instead of 3 because I'm such a bad ass and don't make rules but BREAK them. Oh yeah. So, without further adieu:

Four things I'm obsessive about(0r)Why I'm a freak(or)Why I will be single forever

1)Sleeping arrangements

I used to be a chronic insomniac. (Fun fact: This blog was initially supposed to be a blog for insomniacs where we could swap stories and tips, and then I realized after my first few posts that it really really sucked. So I wrote about my asshole dog instead. And look what happened! I've won an award!) Anyways, I'm not so much an insomniac anymore but I still have frequent bouts of sleeplessness and, for that reason, some things have to be a certain way before I can fall asleep. I have to have a fan or some sort of white noise emitter going at all times because pretty much any other noise will wake me up. Any noise. Car horns, breathing, thinking. Anything. Also any movement of any kind. Plus I can't have anything touching me. Except the sheets or blankets. Which can't be messed up. I'm pretty much a huge treat to spend the night with. Huge.

2)Bare feet

I have a very hard time walking around in bare feet. It takes me a very long time and many weeks of cleaning to be comfortable walking around in bare feet anywhere, even my own place. I don't like touching my bare foot down in a change room. I don't like walking around in bare feet outside. I saw someone in the gym today walking around in her bare feet in the bathroom. I almost lost my mind.

3)Dirty bathrooms

There are few things in this world that disgust me more than a dirty bathroom. Warning: If you ever invite me to your house I will notice how clean your bathroom is. I actually have dreams, quite frequently in fact, about really having to pee and going into public washrooms that are in such a disgusting state that it would pain me to describe them. I wish I was joking.

4)Mice

I lived in a house once that was horribly infested with mice. We lived there for about 6 months and, in that time, we killed probably 25-30 mice. And by "we" I mean my ex husband. Before he moved to Canada and I lived on my own, I would lay awake at night, listening to them in my walls, and almost driving myself insane thinking about where they were, what they were doing, and what I would do if I saw one. Because of my intense internet research, I had actually at one point convinced myself that there were some in my mattress. I slept very little as you can imagine. Thankfully, I never actually saw a mouse because, once my husband got there, I made him deal with it all but, to this day, whenever I hear a noise I think OH FUCK THERE'S A MOUSE IN HERE and I freak out for a minute until I figure out what the noise was. I actually have to force myself to not check out everything I see on the floor to see if it is a mouse dropping. I have become quite adept at identifying them by the way. I now live in constant fear that the house I live in will become infested and I'll have to deal with them all by myself. It almost makes me want to get married again. Just to have someone to take care of the mice. Almost.

So there you have it. Had you guessed at my freakishness? Unless you know me really well, probably not. Because, the good part is, I am well aware of the things I obsess about and that it's probably not entirely healthy so I take great pains to overcome them and, failing that, hiding them really well from others. But now the gig is up I guess.

You are now free to mock.

Oh, and I give the award to:

May-B

A Mandolyn and Ky(although it's pretty clear what they obsess about is boys)

Tee short

Farleycat

and

Life in a small town

My parents visit and an epiphany of sorts

2009-07-14T12:20:00.004-06:00

So, my parents are leaving today which is sad but we had a great visit which is....well, great I guess. They arrived last Tuesday night and my brother and I went to pick them up at the airport. When my brother came to pick me up I decided that it would be really funny to make a sign so I quickly tore apart a box and packing taped the shit out of it and wrote "our parents" on it, delighted at my wit. My brother took one look at it and said, "You are not bringing that," because he gets embarrassed easily, and often, because basically it's my life's goal to embarrass him whenever I can so I said, "Yes I am bringing it BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME." But then I forgot it. So we were just waiting for them with hugs and that's not very funny at all. Or embarrassing. So my brother won that one. But I got back at him when I told my parents it was a good idea to wear identical T-shirts when we all went out for my niece's birthday so there. Sucker.

On Saturday the Riders played here so of course we had to go to the game. It was pretty awesome. The Riders kicked Toronto's ass. The best part was that half, if not more, of the people there were fans of Saskatchewan and Toronto gave out free tickets so it's pretty clear whose team is better. There were even some guys there that had painted their whole bodies with glittery green paint and wrote "RIDER" on their chests and "PRIDE" on their backs like guys do in Saskatchewan but they were somewhat less crazy as the games here are played in a dome and the dome can be closed if it's too cold outside whereas the games back home are played outside whether you like it or not. Now, normally, the guys who do that are not really a treat to look at without shirts but the one guy with the R and the P really was and, at one point, my Dad, who didn't realize they had "PRIDE" on their backs said to me that the one guy should sit down because there wasn't a P in RIDER and I said something like, "Man, that guy can totally stand up for as long as he wants" and then I remembered that I was talking to my Dad. Smooth.

The next day we went to the African Lion Safari which is like a zoo but you drive through it and monkeys and shit jump on your car and freak the crap out of you. Or maybe that's just me. Now, I'm not a big fan in general of zoos and circuses and stuff that showcases animals and makes them do shows but my brother and his family were really excited about it and said it was really cool so I decided what the hell. And it was pretty neat. Basically you drive around this animal reserve and animals can come up to your car but you can't open your window and feed them because they will probably kill you. My brother said that when they went last time monkeys jumped all over their car and it was really funny and cool and my nephew even said there were a couple of monkeys playing leap frog but the one monkey just couldn't quite get over the other monkey and it was at that point that I decided that I would just wait for them in the park because I really didn't want monkeys jumping on my car, nor did I especially want to see animal porn. But my brother said it was the best part and made me go. So I did.

And I guess I'm scared of monkeys or something, which is weird because I really love Curious George, because when we started getting closer to the monkey part I started getting really nervous and silently praying that if the monkeys would please stay off my car I would give to charity every month and we almost made it through but at the very end a monkey jumped on the back of my car and settled down for a little ride and I sort of freaked out a bit but was mostly watching my brother and his family in the car ahead because they seemed to be enjoying this way more than I was. Apparently the best part of the day, according to my brother, was the expression on my face when I thought the monkey was going to leave after jumping on the roof but, in reality, he was going to climb down the front and I screamed HOLY JESUS CHRIST after he slapped himself down on the front windshield. I guess it was pretty funny.

After I changed pants, we went to a petting zoo and there were Llamas there but I wasn't going to go near them because my sister in law said they were sneezing or spitting all over the place and that shit is pretty nasty but then I guess I forgot or something so I went up to take a picture and got a face full of Llama snot which was probably one of the most disgusting things that has ever happened to me. And I guess that also was pretty funny because my sister in law almost wet herself. I was pretty much a riot that day.

After that we just hung out around the house and ate and talked and watched TV. I had bought a whole bunch of healthy snacks and actually found some fiber cookie things called Bowel Buddies which I though was hilarious so I bought them for that reason and then my Dad thought he would take it one step further and suggest that they be called Bum Buddies and I was like, Dad that is so wrong for so many reasons and he didn't really get it so he kept going with it and I just ended up covering my ears and humming until he stopped talking.

And then, while watching golf and debating whether or not a woman golfer's name was pronounced "Creamer" or "Kramer" my mom said that she "would pronounce her name Kramer anyways if she was a girl and had the last name Creamer" and my dad had on his "embarrassed to be married to you" face which was similar to the one he wore at the Rider game when some Toronto fans yelled out that Toronto rules and my mom screamed LET'S GO RIDERS at the top of her lungs and I was like, Dad, you were just making an argument to have a cookie brand be renamed Bum Buddies. And then we just stopped talking altogether.

All in all it was a fantastic visit and I'm really going to miss them. For reals.

So, now is where the epiphany comes in. My parents stayed with me for two nights in my bachelor suite and, despite the lack of personal space, when they were gone I was really lonely. And the next morning I still felt shitty. So, on my way to work, I put on my Ben Lee CD and asked Ben with his positive and simple but enchanting lyrics and catchy melodies to help me out. And I guess he did help me out somehow because I decided that I'm finally tired of being alone. Hanging out with my parents and my brother and his wife and their family all weekend made me realize that I really don't want to be alone forever. I've been pretty content up until this point to fly solo but, really, I have a pretty awesome life and it would be pretty cool to share it with someone. So...I'm going to start internet dating again!! Just kidding. I'm not starting internet dating again, although it would have been nice to have had this epiphany BEFORE I did it the last time, but whatever. The point is I'm really going to be more open to things now instead of just mentally closing the door before it even opens as has been my habit in the past.

My friend says that if you really truly want something that you should ask the universe and the universe will provide.

So, ok Universe. I'm ready now. Do it up.

We stand on guard for thee

2009-07-06T13:27:00.005-06:00

One year my parents went to Edmonton for a holiday and I was too cool so I didn't go, and they brought me back this T-shirt as a gift and, to their face, I was all, "Oh, this is so awesome! How did you know I liked tight T-shirts with writing across the boobs!" but in my head I was all, "What the fuck? Did you just meet me? I'm not the kind of person who wears T-shirts like this," but apparently I AM the kind of person who wears T-shirts like that but only one day a year. And last Wednesday was that day. So, in honor of Canada Day, here is a picture of the shirt:

And also it's a picture of my boobs. So there you go. Bonus.

(P.S. It's true. We do kick ass.)

(P.P.S Does using both brackets AND a P.S. kind of cancel each other out because shouldn't you use either one or the other? I don't know.)

Canada Day is a holiday so I got Wednesday off and my friend and I went to the beaches in Toronto for a country jam super jamboree fun free concert(Note: may not be the real name of the concert.) (P.S.) It was pretty awesome. Not only was it free, which I think is actually a synonym for awesome, but the bands were really great and the weather was fantastic.

When we arrived Tara Oram was just starting and she was really good. (If you don't like Country music it's best that you just skip over this part because I do like Country music and I still don't really know enough about the groups to make it interesting even to myself.) She sings that song "Fly girl" which I like.

Next up was Amanda Wilkinson and she was great. I'm also pretty sure she was drunk. At the end her brother came on and they sang some Wilkinsons songs like that one about the quarter and the penny or whatever? Yeah, I like that one. About half way through she started talking to the audience about how artists are just misunderstood and I said to my friend that if she started playing a Michael Jackson song I was going to puke, and then she did. But I didn't puke. Mostly because all I had eaten was a hot dog and I didn't really want to have to eat another one after I emptied my stomach. I am so sick of hearing about Micheal Jackson. It's sad when people die but, up until this point, the only thing we ever heard about him in the news or anywhere else for years was some other nugget of information that further proved that he was super fucked up and now he's being portrayed as this God who was the best thing to happen to anyone. And, yes, he was very talented and pushed all these boundaries and whatever but, jesus, enough already.

But I digress.

Then Jason Blaine played and he was really good. And then Emmerson Drive, who have apparently been nominated for a Grammy so that means they probably won't be doing free concerts for that much longer. They were a great closer though. I knew almost all of their songs and we got up and danced with all the drunk people.

Oh, I forgot about the guy who started chatting me up in the bathroom line. Guys, if you're ever trying to pick up a girl at an outdoor concert, don't try to chat them up in the line for the porta potties. It's awkward. And you will almost inevitably start talking about how much one or both of you have to pee and THIS LINE IS SO LONG BUT GOOD THING I BROUGHT MY BEER WITH ME which is not something you really want to talk about. Or, I guess, it's not something I really want to talk about.

And then we took about 7 different forms of public transportation back to where we live which was sort of an adventure.

What I always enjoy about events like this is the people watching. It soon became apparent after about 30 minutes of watching that I was wearing WAY too much clothing but, unfortunately, I don't really feel comfortable walking around in my underwear, when I'm sober, so I had to bite the social bullet and keep my T-shirt and capri pants on and not go along with the crowd. It really was amazing what some of these people were wearing though. Truly amazing.

The best part of the concert was this guy who was very likely high and having the best time in whatever world he was in. I could go on and on about all the things he did but this picture pretty much says it best:

He's playing air guitar by the way. And he also did some pretty mean air drums. I decided he was my friend's boyfriend because I'm in grade 6.

So, happy belated birthday Canada. Despite the jokes, I am very proud to be a Canadian. No matter where I go, it will always be home and I will always look forward to coming back.

Oh, and this is what I did on Saturday:

My life is so hard.

Bits

2009-06-29T19:48:00.006-06:00

Dear Landlord,

It turns out that the packing tape that was holding up my shower head isn't quite doing the trick anymore. Would it be possible to get an actual holder for it? That would be sweet.

Hugs and Kisses,

Not quite awake.

** ** **

So I was upstairs doing laundry and the teenage girl was all making small talk and asking me how I liked living in the basement and I was like, oh, are we pretending now that I didn't just hear you yell at your Dad to shove something up his ass? Ok, then. Carry on.

** ** **

I eat a lot of chicken but what I hate is how the garbage starts to smell almost immediately after I put the crap parts of the chicken in the garbage because I am thrifty and buy the cheaper chicken breasts with the bone in and cut them up, but today I came up with the idea of taking the crap parts directly out to the outside garbage can instead of leaving them in the indoor garbage can until I get sick from the smell. I JUST came up with that. After months of hot weather. And THAT's how smart I am.

** ** **

Me: DAD YOU HAVE TO HELP ME MY COMPUTER WON'T WORK AND I TRIED TO INSTALL SOMETHING AND NOW NONE OF MY PROGRAMS WORK AND I'M TOTALLY SCREWED.

Dad: Ok. Calm down. What?

Me: MY COMPUTER WO-

Dad: Calm down.

Me: Ok. I tried to install this anti-virus program and now none of my programs will open.

Dad: Ok, let's try some things.

(one hour later)

Dad: I just really don't know. So, you've tried all your programs and all of them won't open?

Me: Well, not ALL of them.

Dad: Most of them?

Me: Well...Windows Media Player mostly...OH! and my budget program. No wait, I forgot I deleted that.

Dad: So, basically it's just Window's Media Player.

Me: I guess so. Yes.

Dad: This has been fun.

Me: I love you.

** ** **

And, finally, I really wanted to give everyone a big thank you for commenting on my last post. I really had no idea that many people read my blog and I'm quite flattered and grateful that you all would take the time to answer my questions. You should really comment more! I loved hearing from you. And thanks also for leaving your blog links. More blogs to add to my stash!

To show my thanks, I've responded to all of your comments. And I ate an entire cake. Or I will. Maybe tonight. Because that's the kind of day it's been.

COMING SOON! What I did for Canada Day. With pictures!

Experiment! With helping!

2009-06-29T12:42:00.002-06:00

So, I'm doing this little experiment and guess what? You can help! And, really, I am asking very little of my many many many blog readers out there.

If you read my blog, and I guess that is a given, if you could leave the following as a comment that would be so super awesome!:

1)Your name(real or fake)

2)where you're from

3)how you found my blog and

4)If you got to chose, which animal you would be.

Yay! Fun!

Basically the experiment is to see if I have more than 5 people who read my blog. If I get 6 or more comments I'm going to celebrate by eating an entire cake BY MYSELF. Or I just might do that anyways. That's the kind of mood I'm in. Or a case of beer. What evs.

Conversations at the gym

2009-06-27T05:49:00.002-06:00

Me: If I ate a hard boiled egg that had been sitting in my car for two hours and also in my locker for seven hours before that do you think....

Client: Ew. No. Don't eat it.

Me: No, I already ate it. I was going to ask if you think I'm going to die.

Client: Jesus. Probably not.

Me: Ok good.

UPDATE: I didn't die! Nor did I get sick. So there. I am indestructible.

Beachin'

2009-06-24T12:35:00.006-06:00

I went to the beach on Sunday with my friend from Regina who now lives in Toronto and it was pretty awesome. It took us about a year to get there but I'm the kind of person who really wants to get some place and is always like, "HURRY UP WE HAVE TO GO FASTER SO WE CAN GET THERE QUICKER AND HAVE MORE TIME FOR FUN!!!" and then, once I'm there I'm like, "I'm bored." It's a lot of fun for the people I hang out with.

So, basically, I was bored after an hour and would have been bored sooner if it hadn't been for an occurrence so visually shocking that I'm pretty sure it stopped time. A woman, who was quite large, had forgotten her bathing suit I guess, and, rather than let that deter her from enjoying a refreshing dip, instead decided to fashion some form of coverage using her very thin t-shirt and shorts. And I guess maybe she forgot underwear too because when she came out of the water with her t-shirt tied in a knot between her very large breasts I was, at first, convinced she was completely naked and I was like, "What the fuck dude?" and then I realized that, no, she did indeed have some form of clothing on so then I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?" And I couldn't look away. It was like a car accident. I just kept staring at her near nakedness wondering how many children were currently saving this memory for future use when talking to their psychologists. And if my friend hadn't said, "Is that Darryl Hannah?" my eyes would have probably dried out.

Luckily it ended up that she was sitting right in front of us because it turns out that, not only was she pretty much naked, but she also had one of the foulest mouths of anyone I had ever heard. Except her friend. And I guess they were both pretty hard of hearing or perhaps completely deaf because they had to yell at each other in order to be heard despite the fact that they were sitting side by side. And the one guy kept saying "Yo" all the time as in, "So I slapped that bitch up, yo." Sorry, I mean "SO I SLAPPED THAT BITCH UP, YO!"

I wish I was kidding.

And then they started talking about how they wanted to bury some BITCH in the SAND because she FUCKED with his MOM, YO and my friend said that if you closed your eyes and just pretended it was a Saturday Night Live sketch it was actually pretty funny.

So I tried but I couldn't do it because they just kept getting louder and louder and buddy kept looking around to see if people were watching him and I was like, "There are tonnes of kids around here so maybe watch your mouth a bit, yo." Except I didn't say that and, because I really wanted to say that, we had to move because I would likely have gotten my ass kicked in another five minutes.

Nothing like relaxing at the beach with degenerates.

I did also manage to get a sunburn despite liberally applying sunscreen. And it's really random which makes me look only slightly like a freak. A small square on the top of my nose, a stripe down my chest, and a stripe down the front of each of my legs. Hot. Plus I can still see the lines from the horrible burn I got LAST summer when I was playing in an ultimate frisbee tournament and was still drunk from the night before. I guess I thought that the alcohol seeping through my pores would provide protection enough? Turns out, no.

Now THAT was a nice looking burn, yo. I had been wearing knee guards so the tops of my legs up to the knee guards were bright red ending in a perfect line, along with my knees and the bottom of my legs from the knee guard down. Perfectly symmetrical. I couldn't wear shorts or a dress for the rest of the summer. Not one of my smarter moments.

Also, for those who are wondering, the trick to getting eharmony to actually delete your account is you have to phone them and lie and say you found someone and they are really jealous and would probably beat you if they found out your profile was still up but, yes, you're very happy anyways and thanks for the congratulations. So I guess I have a boyfriend now. We're in love. Thanks eharmony.

Reality Faker

A lesson in sleep depravation

Can men and women be friends? Let's discuss.

Why I should just get drunk on Mondays and call it a day

Dear Summer, you're the best.

Sleep is for the weak

Send in the clowns

Speaking of me being awesome...

Go green or go break shit.

Grammar Police!

The date

Some days

So, do you want to get married or what?

My review of Bridesmaids but not really.

Being an adult is for chumps

Hey. My eyes are up here.

Welcome to my shit show.

Vegas Baby!

My review of Tron: Legacy or Why I should not do movie reviews as a career.

How I spent my Christmas Vacation - By Notquiteawake

Garbage Can Pie

Boobs!

Good Morning!

Spelunking

Living the nightmare

Have you ever...

"Things I want to do before I'm 35" #25 - Go through all my crap and donate a load of it to The Salvation Army.

Stats

GOOD MORNING!

Ummm.....Mr. Landord? My jet tub doesn't seem to be working properly...can you come and take a look at it?

The people in your neighborhood.

So far my day's been pretty awesome.

The Rant - Facebook Edition

Dear Starbucks, are you hiring? Call me.

FINALLY I can stop watching that wedding video on youtube.

Lessons

Stupid jerk day for jerks.

Sweet ass award

Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice.

Why I shouldn't go to work after not sleeping.

My award getting mastery.

"Things I want to do before I'm 35" #28 - Go on a date.

I'm sorry sir, I seem to have forgotten my name. Do you mind if I put you on hold for a minute?

"Things I want to do before I'm 35" #7 - Go to Montreal!

Yeah, I'm sort of like Jesus.

It's Saturday night and I'm posting and doing laundry. That's not lame right? At least I'm not posting ABOUT doing laundry. That would be lame for sure.

Awards! And Work! **UPDATED**

My first day! For reals.

My first day! But not really.

Bridal show!

Last day

Zumba, Avatar and anti-aging.

My biggest and best piece of advice for anyone anywhere because I am a genius

#1 - Living in the hood.

The first of probably many posts about Friday Night Lights.

The top 15 things I learned in 2009.

Year in Review!

Chevy Chase is alive!!

Christmas and Junk

The big reveal!

BRUTAL!**

Just when you least expect it: BAM! Uncomfortable.

Get your freak on.

An exciting play by play of the first day in my new apartment!

Moved!

The week of nothing

Adventures in Toronto or Why I should never leave my house

Avon calling!

#2 - Dirty Dude

A quick shout out to Grey's Anatomy

#3 - Tub o' shit

Oh yeah, I have a blog.

No, I would not like some cheese with my whine but thanks anyways.

But I'm worth a million in hilarity.

34 is the new 18.

A brief update of my exciting life.

Hiking: In pictures

Musings

In the midnight hour

PMS can kill you.

Awards! And Work! UPDATED