Tuesday, March 20, 2007

Rules to live by

I just finished eating a banana that, I'm pretty sure, was older than Jesus. Why did I do this? Because I refuse to waste food. I would actually prefer to force down a dark brown banana, trying desperately to control my gag reflex, then to throw it away. I'm sick.
I blame my parents.
"Don't waste food" was one of the many valuable lessons they taught me. Along with "Fear everything" and "When you have a headache, take an aspirin every 4 hours or until your ears start ringing." Seriously, my mom still says that. Here are some other gems that I will likely pass on to my children to ensure constant therapy into their adult years:

  • Before crossing the street look both ways. Not just once, but many many times. Until your neck hurts. You never know when a car will sneak up on you.
  • Parks are dangerous. Never frequent open spaces. If you must, run fast until you hit the street, crying if possible.
  • Never enter a mall bathroom. It is preferable to urinate in your pants or in a store change room.
  • Never laugh at your mom when she enters the living room to work out in her bathing suit. She will be embarrassed and you will feel really bad for the rest of your life.
  • Always wash your hands before dinner. OR YOU WILL DIE.
  • Nothing good can come out of staying out past 8PM.
  • No boys in the house ever. Even to visit after you've left home.
  • You can easily be poisoned by anything.

and finally but most importantly:

  • Never piss off your mom.

Never.

1 comment:

Terri said...

I'm learning so many life lessons from your blog!!