We stand on guard for thee

One year my parents went to Edmonton for a holiday and I was too cool so I didn't go, and they brought me back this T-shirt as a gift and, to their face, I was all, "Oh, this is so awesome! How did you know I liked tight T-shirts with writing across the boobs!" but in my head I was all, "What the fuck? Did you just meet me? I'm not the kind of person who wears T-shirts like this," but apparently I AM the kind of person who wears T-shirts like that but only one day a year. And last Wednesday was that day. So, in honor of Canada Day, here is a picture of the shirt:

And also it's a picture of my boobs. So there you go. Bonus.

(P.S. It's true. We do kick ass.)

(P.P.S Does using both brackets AND a P.S. kind of cancel each other out because shouldn't you use either one or the other? I don't know.)

Canada Day is a holiday so I got Wednesday off and my friend and I went to the beaches in Toronto for a country jam super jamboree fun free concert(Note: may not be the real name of the concert.) (P.S.) It was pretty awesome. Not only was it free, which I think is actually a synonym for awesome, but the bands were really great and the weather was fantastic.

When we arrived Tara Oram was just starting and she was really good. (If you don't like Country music it's best that you just skip over this part because I do like Country music and I still don't really know enough about the groups to make it interesting even to myself.) She sings that song "Fly girl" which I like.

Next up was Amanda Wilkinson and she was great. I'm also pretty sure she was drunk. At the end her brother came on and they sang some Wilkinsons songs like that one about the quarter and the penny or whatever? Yeah, I like that one. About half way through she started talking to the audience about how artists are just misunderstood and I said to my friend that if she started playing a Michael Jackson song I was going to puke, and then she did. But I didn't puke. Mostly because all I had eaten was a hot dog and I didn't really want to have to eat another one after I emptied my stomach. I am so sick of hearing about Micheal Jackson. It's sad when people die but, up until this point, the only thing we ever heard about him in the news or anywhere else for years was some other nugget of information that further proved that he was super fucked up and now he's being portrayed as this God who was the best thing to happen to anyone. And, yes, he was very talented and pushed all these boundaries and whatever but, jesus, enough already.

But I digress.

Then Jason Blaine played and he was really good. And then Emmerson Drive, who have apparently been nominated for a Grammy so that means they probably won't be doing free concerts for that much longer. They were a great closer though. I knew almost all of their songs and we got up and danced with all the drunk people.

Oh, I forgot about the guy who started chatting me up in the bathroom line. Guys, if you're ever trying to pick up a girl at an outdoor concert, don't try to chat them up in the line for the porta potties. It's awkward. And you will almost inevitably start talking about how much one or both of you have to pee and THIS LINE IS SO LONG BUT GOOD THING I BROUGHT MY BEER WITH ME which is not something you really want to talk about. Or, I guess, it's not something I really want to talk about.

And then we took about 7 different forms of public transportation back to where we live which was sort of an adventure.

What I always enjoy about events like this is the people watching. It soon became apparent after about 30 minutes of watching that I was wearing WAY too much clothing but, unfortunately, I don't really feel comfortable walking around in my underwear, when I'm sober, so I had to bite the social bullet and keep my T-shirt and capri pants on and not go along with the crowd. It really was amazing what some of these people were wearing though. Truly amazing.

The best part of the concert was this guy who was very likely high and having the best time in whatever world he was in. I could go on and on about all the things he did but this picture pretty much says it best:

He's playing air guitar by the way. And he also did some pretty mean air drums. I decided he was my friend's boyfriend because I'm in grade 6.

So, happy belated birthday Canada. Despite the jokes, I am very proud to be a Canadian. No matter where I go, it will always be home and I will always look forward to coming back.

Oh, and this is what I did on Saturday:

My life is so hard.

Bits

Dear Landlord,

It turns out that the packing tape that was holding up my shower head isn't quite doing the trick anymore. Would it be possible to get an actual holder for it? That would be sweet.

Hugs and Kisses,

Not quite awake.

** ** **

So I was upstairs doing laundry and the teenage girl was all making small talk and asking me how I liked living in the basement and I was like, oh, are we pretending now that I didn't just hear you yell at your Dad to shove something up his ass? Ok, then. Carry on.

** ** **

I eat a lot of chicken but what I hate is how the garbage starts to smell almost immediately after I put the crap parts of the chicken in the garbage because I am thrifty and buy the cheaper chicken breasts with the bone in and cut them up, but today I came up with the idea of taking the crap parts directly out to the outside garbage can instead of leaving them in the indoor garbage can until I get sick from the smell. I JUST came up with that. After months of hot weather. And THAT's how smart I am.

** ** **

Me: DAD YOU HAVE TO HELP ME MY COMPUTER WON'T WORK AND I TRIED TO INSTALL SOMETHING AND NOW NONE OF MY PROGRAMS WORK AND I'M TOTALLY SCREWED.

Dad: Ok. Calm down. What?

Me: MY COMPUTER WO-

Dad: Calm down.

Me: Ok. I tried to install this anti-virus program and now none of my programs will open.

Dad: Ok, let's try some things.

(one hour later)

Dad: I just really don't know. So, you've tried all your programs and all of them won't open?

Me: Well, not ALL of them.

Dad: Most of them?

Me: Well...Windows Media Player mostly...OH! and my budget program. No wait, I forgot I deleted that.

Dad: So, basically it's just Window's Media Player.

Me: I guess so. Yes.

Dad: This has been fun.

Me: I love you.

** ** **

And, finally, I really wanted to give everyone a big thank you for commenting on my last post. I really had no idea that many people read my blog and I'm quite flattered and grateful that you all would take the time to answer my questions. You should really comment more! I loved hearing from you. And thanks also for leaving your blog links. More blogs to add to my stash!

To show my thanks, I've responded to all of your comments. And I ate an entire cake. Or I will. Maybe tonight. Because that's the kind of day it's been.

COMING SOON! What I did for Canada Day. With pictures!

Experiment! With helping!

So, I'm doing this little experiment and guess what? You can help! And, really, I am asking very little of my many many many blog readers out there.

If you read my blog, and I guess that is a given, if you could leave the following as a comment that would be so super awesome!:

1)Your name(real or fake)

2)where you're from

3)how you found my blog and

4)If you got to chose, which animal you would be.

Yay! Fun!

Basically the experiment is to see if I have more than 5 people who read my blog. If I get 6 or more comments I'm going to celebrate by eating an entire cake BY MYSELF. Or I just might do that anyways. That's the kind of mood I'm in. Or a case of beer. What evs.

Last first date post

Well, we all knew it was going to happen. Especially me. My first date dating run is at an end. And what a wild ride it was. I'm pretty sure I will never internet date again. Now don't get me wrong, eharmony was a pretty good site if that's what you're into. And I'm not just saying this for the benefit of eharmony_jack who is apparently now an avid follower. I never had a problem with the site itself. It was just the whole concept of internet dating that I didn't really enjoy. I actually cancelled my second date with the polite guy who bought me supper because, really, I knew where it was going. Nowhere. And I didn't really want to tell him that after he bought me supper. And I REALLY didn't want to buy supper myself so, basically, it was win win. Except in his case. I guess it was just win.

When I first cancelled my account, I wanted to give the guys I was already talking to a chance but then I decided, if I don't think this is going anywhere before we meet for coffee, why meet for coffee? And so I've been declining. No one is surprised more than me at the relief I feel. I get stress stomach aches sometimes and I usually don't know where they're coming from until they're gone and I was getting them quite a bit. And now? Nothing. I love that dating makes me physically ill. It bodes well for my future.

However. Yes, there is a however. I DID go out on one final date on Saturday and pretty much the only reason I went is because he was hot and I am shallow. He was the guy who said he was white but all his pictures pointed to the contrary? Remember? Well. Surprisingly, the date was really good! He is hot in real life and also not white but he explained, without me asking, that he sometimes changes his ethnicity to see if he gets different matches. And he does. So, basically, he's neither stupid or a freak which are two things in my favor. And we had a really good time. We met for coffee at 2pm but we ended up walking around and then going for dinner and a long walk by the lake. He's from here so he knows where all the cool places are. It was fun.

The best part is, he's in the same frame of mind as I am about the whole internet dating thing. He's very relaxed about it so there was no pressure from either end. It was kind of nice to go out with a guy and not have him ask you at some point if you like the name "Sonya" for a girl. We've started chatting on MSN and I think we're just going to hang out and see what happens which is fine with me. AND he plays baseball. Score.

So there you have it. The end of my internet dating adventure. Thank you for all your support.

Thank christ it's over.

Conversations at the gym

Me: If I ate a hard boiled egg that had been sitting in my car for two hours and also in my locker for seven hours before that do you think....

Client: Ew. No. Don't eat it.

Me: No, I already ate it. I was going to ask if you think I'm going to die.

Client: Jesus. Probably not.

Me: Ok good.

UPDATE: I didn't die! Nor did I get sick. So there. I am indestructible.

Beachin'

I went to the beach on Sunday with my friend from Regina who now lives in Toronto and it was pretty awesome. It took us about a year to get there but I'm the kind of person who really wants to get some place and is always like, "HURRY UP WE HAVE TO GO FASTER SO WE CAN GET THERE QUICKER AND HAVE MORE TIME FOR FUN!!!" and then, once I'm there I'm like, "I'm bored." It's a lot of fun for the people I hang out with.

So, basically, I was bored after an hour and would have been bored sooner if it hadn't been for an occurrence so visually shocking that I'm pretty sure it stopped time. A woman, who was quite large, had forgotten her bathing suit I guess, and, rather than let that deter her from enjoying a refreshing dip, instead decided to fashion some form of coverage using her very thin t-shirt and shorts. And I guess maybe she forgot underwear too because when she came out of the water with her t-shirt tied in a knot between her very large breasts I was, at first, convinced she was completely naked and I was like, "What the fuck dude?" and then I realized that, no, she did indeed have some form of clothing on so then I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?" And I couldn't look away. It was like a car accident. I just kept staring at her near nakedness wondering how many children were currently saving this memory for future use when talking to their psychologists. And if my friend hadn't said, "Is that Darryl Hannah?" my eyes would have probably dried out.

Luckily it ended up that she was sitting right in front of us because it turns out that, not only was she pretty much naked, but she also had one of the foulest mouths of anyone I had ever heard. Except her friend. And I guess they were both pretty hard of hearing or perhaps completely deaf because they had to yell at each other in order to be heard despite the fact that they were sitting side by side. And the one guy kept saying "Yo" all the time as in, "So I slapped that bitch up, yo." Sorry, I mean "SO I SLAPPED THAT BITCH UP, YO!"

I wish I was kidding.

And then they started talking about how they wanted to bury some BITCH in the SAND because she FUCKED with his MOM, YO and my friend said that if you closed your eyes and just pretended it was a Saturday Night Live sketch it was actually pretty funny.

So I tried but I couldn't do it because they just kept getting louder and louder and buddy kept looking around to see if people were watching him and I was like, "There are tonnes of kids around here so maybe watch your mouth a bit, yo." Except I didn't say that and, because I really wanted to say that, we had to move because I would likely have gotten my ass kicked in another five minutes.

Nothing like relaxing at the beach with degenerates.

I did also manage to get a sunburn despite liberally applying sunscreen. And it's really random which makes me look only slightly like a freak. A small square on the top of my nose, a stripe down my chest, and a stripe down the front of each of my legs. Hot. Plus I can still see the lines from the horrible burn I got LAST summer when I was playing in an ultimate frisbee tournament and was still drunk from the night before. I guess I thought that the alcohol seeping through my pores would provide protection enough? Turns out, no.

Now THAT was a nice looking burn, yo. I had been wearing knee guards so the tops of my legs up to the knee guards were bright red ending in a perfect line, along with my knees and the bottom of my legs from the knee guard down. Perfectly symmetrical. I couldn't wear shorts or a dress for the rest of the summer. Not one of my smarter moments.

Also, for those who are wondering, the trick to getting eharmony to actually delete your account is you have to phone them and lie and say you found someone and they are really jealous and would probably beat you if they found out your profile was still up but, yes, you're very happy anyways and thanks for the congratulations. So I guess I have a boyfriend now. We're in love. Thanks eharmony.

Account closed and underwear.

So the deal is this: Despite the amount of inspiring, encouraging comments, I decided to close my eharmony account. And, don't get me wrong, I really appreciate the comments, you are all very awesome, I'm just pretty sure that if the only reason I was continuing my subscription was because I didn't want to waste the money, then the whole internet dating scene was not for me. At least not right now. It just wasn't fun. And I wasn't trying. And I felt guilty for not trying when so many of the guys on there are. Before I closed it I decided I was going to really give it my all and put everything into trying but then I was like, trying sucks, so I stopped.

I've been communicating with 4 or 5 guys so I basically sent them a message saying I'm leaving and giving them my email in case they wanted to keep in contact. Apparently they do as I have two more dates coming up which may prove to be interesting. One is with the guy who said he was white but clearly isn't. Why am I going you may ask? Because he is also clearly very attractive. And I am shallow. But I've also been single for a LONG time so cut me some slack. The other is with a guy who is Irish and sounds really cool and maybe he has an accent which would be a bonus. I'm also going on my second date with the guy from Saturday. He suggested supper. I suggested coffee. He ignored me and suggested sushi and I like sushi so sushi it is! We're going on Sunday evening. I figure two dates is good to see if I like someone enough to continue. If I still feel nothing I will ask him if he just wants to hang out as friends because that is something everyone wants to hear. So, basically, I did close my account but I'm still going to keep in contact with the guys who I was talking to but I won't be getting any new matches. It's kind of a relief not to have to deal with it anymore. Remind me of this when I get the great idea to start internet dating again.

** ** **

Here's something sad: One of my friends told me yesterday that a friend of hers is dying of cancer. I'm not sure if I'm going to get this story straight and she reads this so I apologize if it's wrong but, I think what happened is that she has Crohn's disease and she had to get part of her bowel removed and, when they opened her up, they found that her body was full of cancer. She just turned 27. Her friends have come from all over Canada to be with her and they all made her this quilt with patches that represented memories that they had of her and her life which is so amazing and so very very sad. It really got me thinking about how people are always saving things to do when they have money or when they retire or whatever and who knows what will happen before then and what if you never get to do all the things you planned? It made me sad.

Which leads me to something happier: My friend May-B is getting married in September and she invited me to her after-party because the ceremony is very small and I really wanted to go but I didn't know if I could afford it so I was sort of on the fence but yesterday, after I heard the sad story, I started looking at flights. And then today she found that she has room for some extra people at the ceremony so she invited me to that! So I decided to go! I'm so excited! So guess what, city that rhymes with fun, I'm coming back! Start preparing.

For those who live there, I'm planning on flying in on Friday the 18th so you should probably book that night off immediatly. Also, I will be coming to Saturday morning coffee ladies so you should plan on being there too. For those who don't live there, don't get too down. It gets very cold in winter.

** ** **

Speaking of the city that rhymes with fun, the guy who I went out with for coffee the first time who was from Sri Lanka told me that he thought Regina was in the States and I was like, "No, it's in Canada", and he was like, "But what's the place in the States...Va...I mean...VIRginia...yeah, that's it" and he was so clearly embarrassed and I was thinking as he was saying it, "Dude, I am so sorry that you just said that," as I tried so hard not to laugh and quickly changed the subject to something that didn't rhyme with a female body part. It was awesome.

** ** **

I just recently realized that I don't get TSN with my satellite cable package which means I can't watch the Rider games on TV and a part of me died a little bit so I emailed my landlord and promised my first born to him if he gets the channel added on. And also I would pay for it. With babies. I hope he goes for it.

At the moment I'm listening to the last pre-game on the internet. I love the internet. I'm also wearing my Saskatchewan Roughrider underwear for luck. Except it's not really Roughrider underwear. It's Rider green but, instead of sliver "S's" there are sliver dollar signs but they look like "S's" if you squint or look at them quickly and look away so it's close enough. I imagine if I were to go out in public without pants more people would yell "Let's go Riders!" then "Let's go Money" anyways. IF I were to go out in public without pants. Which I obviously wouldn't do. Again.

** ** **

Go Riders!

I had a date last night

In the style of Billie Rock, I am reporting as promised on my date last night for the two people who are interested in knowing. It's funny, I was a bit nervous about this one. Probably because it was a dinner and not just a coffee where I could bail after an hour if I wanted. And also because I decided that I was actually going to start caring about these dates because why even bother then right? Right.

So I was nervous. And also early which is good because I could watch him arrive and prepare myself. When he did arrive and I stood up to greet him, I made a mental note that maybe I shouldn't wear heels to a first date just in case the guy I meet is my size or shorter so that when we stand together I don't look like a giant. And I really had to hold myself back from saying, "How tall ARE you dude?" because I think my judgement was a bit off because of the altitude.

The restaurant was super fancy and awesome. It was a good call on my part not to wear yoga pants. I have never been to a restaurant where the waiter placed the napkin in my lap for me. And we had a different plate and cutlery for each course which the waiter set out and took away. It was pretty cool. The food was awesome and we never ran out of conversation. The best part was that one of the shows I used to produce in my old life is one of his favorite shows so we talked about that for quite a while. AND he was interested in me and what I had to say which was different.

After dinner we decided to go to The Proposal and, because he didn't really know the city and I'm directionally challenged, we got lost many many times. And we had a GPS. We made quite a team. But we finally made it to the movie with literally minutes to spare and, man, it was funny. I haven't laughed that hard at a movie for a very long time. And he likes romantic comedies so I didn't have to worry about him not enjoying himself at a movie that typically the girl would pick. I would definitely recommend the movie. If only for the scene where Ryan Reynolds is wearing nothing but a towel. Holy shit. That man is just fantastic. And so funny. Perfect combo.

There were a couple of moments in the movie which I like to call "Dance off moments" which are moments when you think, "What the fuck is happening here?" and you feel a bit embarrassed for the actors because the scene is so asinine and out of place which is what I usually feel like during dance offs in movies because the concept is so bizarre and would never happen in reality but, other than that, the movie was really good.

It's funny, I always say how I like being alone and independent and I often scoff at romance but I really do like romantic comedies when they're well written and well cast. I was thinking about why this is when I was watching the movie last night and I guess it's because I think, deep down inside, having some guy realize he loves you and has the guts to chase after you, even after something shitty has happened because he knows you have to be together, is so cool. And, even though I know having a guy try that hard to be with me would never happen in real life, when watching movies like that, just for that one brief moment, I think that it could. And then the movie is over and I'm back to dating people online.

Anyhoo, I digress. In short, the date was really good. The food was good. The company was good. The movie was good. He is a very interesting and nice guy and also very gentlemanly which I don't see much anymore. He opened all doors for me including the car door, paid for the meal, and was really concerned with how I was throughout the night. Was I too cold? Was I comfortable? Did I want him to leave the theatre to get me some water? Despite the fact that I'm very independent normally(I did pay for the movie), it was really nice to be doted on for once.

The only bad thing about the date was that I didn't feel that initial spark. He was really nice and great but there was no immediate chemistry. On my part anyways. I'm pretty sure he felt differently. The good thing is, I think it's worth it to go out with him a couple more times to see what happens. If anything, I'll get to go out and have a good time right? Right.

I guess I'll wait and see!

Why I'm single reason #58 and other things.

Tuesday night at baseball I was running to third and I was going really fast because I'm probably the fastest person alive and then the third base coach was like, "Whoa there dude, slow down, you're good," so I slowed down and kind of sauntered over to third because I was easily going to make it and then I tripped over the base. And fell down. While WALKING. So smooth.

** ** **

It's questions for the doctor today on the Bonnie Hunt show and some lady just asked the doctor how she could to stick to her diet when she and her friends always go out for lunch and they always order appetizers and dessert and I really wished I was on TV because I would say something like, "Are your friends force feeding you the appetizers and desserts? Because if they are, they're really not your friends. And if they aren't, I'm not even going to bother to answer the question because if you don't know the answer yourself, you really should be staying indoors". I should be on TV.

** ** **

Two days ago I took some pasta with ground chicken out of the freezer for my lunch break but then didn't come home on my lunch break so it sat out all day and into the evening and by the time I got home it had been thawed out for I don't know how long but I just stuck it in the fridge because I don't like wasting food and I ate it last night for supper and this morning I woke up with a wicked stomach ache and have felt like total garbage all day. I wonder if there's any correlation? Nah. Running should be fun tonight.

** ** **

On eharmony you have to check off what nationality you are and some guy I'm talking to checked off "White/Non-Hispanic" and all of his pictures show him as clearly African American. Clearly. I don't get it.

** ** **

I'M GOING TO THE BEACH ON SUNDAY!

** ** **

fin