Wednesday, August 13, 2008

SWEARING AND SEX!!!

Have I ever said how much I hate LOLCATS? I'm not going to get into it because I will probably offend everyone in the entire world but fuck, the mere idea of this phenomenon makes me want to punch someone.

FYI: I'm going to start swearing more in my posts because that's the way I talk in real life so if you're offended by swears or are my parents then you might want to rethink the frequency of your visits. I don't think my parents read them anymore anyways. I didn't hear anything about the random sex comment I posted a while back and if that didn't get them going than nothing will.

So now I guess I can write more posts about all the random sex I've had (and if they hadn't already stopped reading, you can be sure they have stopped now)so stay tuned for that. Oh wait, my brother still reads. Never mind.

Did anyone think I would be 32 years old and still single, living with my dog and making jokes about pathetic pretend random sex? No? Well, guess what, me neither. And not just single, but almost divorced after being married for just barely a year. It's seriously depressing. Not all the time but sometimes I just sit quietly in my house during a commercial break and think, "What the fuck happened here?"

I remember when I was 24 and I was dating a guy and I was pretty serious and he was just a douche bag, and I was all worried about how old I was and how I better get married and have kids soon because I was SO OLD! and it was going to be TOO LATE! if I waited much longer. I think if you would have told me then that, at 32, I would not only be at the same place but that, even better, I would actually be divorced and not even have a prospective douche bag boyfriend, I would at first not believe you because the thought of it would be just so pathetic and ridiculous, but then I would realize you were somehow telling me the truth and then I would just break down and cry right in front of you. And you would feel really awkward and uncomfortable and try to make me feel better by saying I have a really good job which I enjoy and lots of really awesome friends and all my family is alive and I'm alive and healthy more or less. And you would be lying about the job. But I would forgive you because you meant well.

One more thing. "I kissed a girl"? Worst song of all time. And I'm not sorry if I offended anyone with this because if you like this song something is wrong with you. Like the girls at the bar pretending to be lesbians on the dance floor so guys will stare at them BUT NOT TALK TO THEM needed more fuel. Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing at all against lesbians or bisexuals or whatever. I do however, have a lot against girls who grind each other on the dance floor to get attention. One night I would just like to walk up to one of them and say, "Honey, the fact that your boob fell out of your shirt 10 minutes ago is really garnering you more than enough attention. There is really no need to go overboard."

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

best post ever. and so true.

Working From Home Today said...

I agree. You're a helluva writer.

Stacey said...

Great post!

And, um, I could totally join your party... ok, not divorced. But no random sex and all the rest. And I have not even got anyone anywhere close to the wedding portion... after years in some cases... and I am going to go buy a cat. What does that say about me?

Let's drink wine soon.

notquiteawake said...

Well thank you both! Working, that is quite a compliment coming from you. Anonymous...I don't know who you are.
I guess my best work comes out when I'm bitter. Score!

notquiteawake said...

And thank you Stacey. Your comment came after I posted mine. Weird.
I like wine!

Jodi - 35 and single (sigh) said...

Okay - hate me if you will. I like that song. Or maybe it's the singers voice, it's a cool voice. Of course, joining the single party - I don't have the boyfriend, no hint of marriage now or ever and no random sex - plus, I don't even go to the bars so I have to think back to my distant past to recall the grinding girls. And yes, just go up and punch them in the head.

Hey, did you hear that single people are now actually living as long as married people. Whew, that's good - more years to enjoy no sex.

notquiteawake said...

Thanks Jodi...I feel much better?
:)
I actually do like the beat and music but I hate the words so much I can't listen to it. And not only can I not listen to it but I usually say "Fuck You" at the radio before I change the channel. True story.

May-B said...

I frickin' HATE Lolcats. For the love of all that is holy, use proper grammar, spelling and punctuation. IT WILL STILL BE FUNNY. Effers.