Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I really really need a haircut. But this post isn't about that. It's true though.

Dear eharmony,
I've been using your wonderful service for a few weeks now and, while I'm still pretty impressed with it, I would like to offer some suggestions for the predetermined reasons why someone would close a match.  You see, people are closing my matches quite frequently and it would be helpful to know why.  Not because I would really change anything, but more so I know why I'm telling them to fuck off in my head.  And I figure, if I want to know why people are closing my matches, I think others would want to know why I'm closing theirs.  Clicking on "I think the physical distance is too great" or the ever popular "other" just isn't giving out enough information.  I would like to suggest the following:

1) Learn to spell.
2)"u" is not a word.
3)Your picture is of the side of your head.  What is wrong with you.
4)No one wears their hair like that anymore.  Seriously.
5)You don't have a picture.  Why would you not post a picture of yourself on an internet dating site?  I like surprises but not those kind.
6)As if you're 31.
7)Dude, that is not your real hair.
8)LOL makes me want to punch you.

Love,
Not quite awake

Despite the many closures, I have actually started talking to a few guys.  It's hard though.  I know I'm super picky(apparently) but some things just bug me.  For example, one of the questions we can ask is what they think of their "mate" having friends of the opposite sex.  Your answers range from "no way" to "yes of course what a stupid fucking question" which is the one I'm hoping for.  More guys than I thought actually answer in the middle like, "I don't mind them having a FEW close guy friends" and one guy even answered "Sure, but only if I'm allowed to participate in the socializing" meaning "Sure, but only if I can hang out with you at all times because I don't trust you at all".  The problem for me is, I have a lot of guy friends, probably even more guy friends than girl friends, and if I want to go hang out with one of them BY MYSELF, I think I should be able to.  Is that wrong?  And what about backup sex?  What if my boyfriend and I fight and I still want to have sex with someone?  Is THAT wrong? Yes, it is wrong.  That was a test.  Seriously though, if I was going to make out with one of my male friends I probably would have by now.

Also,  a lot of guys will ask for my MSN email immediately after we've made it through all the question and answer parts even though we can email back and forth through the site.  And I'm like, buddy, I'm not 15.  I don't just hand out my email address to any yahoo.  What if I decide, after emailing back and forth a couple of times, that you're a complete moron and I don't want to chat with you?  I save chatting for people I know I like or I'll never want to sign on.  I don't say all that though.  I just tell them I would prefer to use the eharmony site for now.  And then they don't ever talk to me again.  Except for one guy who was ok with it but then, because I'm a personal trainer I guess, composed an entire email on how much he likes kettle bells.  I can't really see that one going any further.

I had almost thought one guy was going to be worth going out with on a date or something but I couldn't really decide if he was actually funny or just trying really hard to be funny because he thinks that girls like funny guys.  There is a big difference.  Guys who are actually naturally funny are the ones who attract me the most.  Guys who just try really hard to be funny are annoying.  And he keeps telling me how happy he is all the time and how he always smiles and laughs and at first I was like, wow, that's really awesome how you have such a positive outlook on life and then I was like, no one is that happy all the time something is seriously wrong with you.  And now he's started telling me how nice he is and all the nice things he does because he is so nice.  And he really likes to buy things for people.  It's starting to sound odd.  And irritating.

Are you starting to see why I will be alone forever?

And then someone will be like, how's the internet dating going? And I'll be like, pretty lame actually and they'll be like, oh you just have to be patient, and I'm all, patient for what? More lame?, and they'll be like, patient for "the one" and I'll be like, I honestly don't really care anymore, and then they'll tell me to be patient again, just in case I didn't get it the first time and then I'll get ready to explain that, seriously, I really really don't care but they're already nodding knowingly so instead I just say, Ok.

In other news, I'm planning a bike trip through Italy for me and two of my blog friends who probably thought I was joking when I said they're coming with me but little do they know I was not!  It's going to be so awesome!!  And that's all I will say about it for now.

Oh the suspense!

4 comments:

Imnotbenny said...

I actually didn't think you were joking, and I'm going to try my best to pull it off.

In other news, your internet dating adventures fill me with bubbles of laughing and more laughing, so kudos to you!

I think that I'll probably stay away from it though, if that's what's out there in those internets. The kettlebell guy sounded both intriguing and full of that zest for life we all search for, though.

Didn't think it would be hidden in a kettlebell.

And finally, I'm wrapping up this comment by giving you an award for your serious blogatudity, so get over to my blog and do some copy/pasting asap.

Or like, whenever.

Fin.

notquiteawake said...

Sweet! Go Italy!
You know what's hidden in a kettle bell? Heavy. They are not light objects.
I don't understand your award. I went to your website and I don't know what to do. What do I copy and paste? Sometimes I'm not very smart.

notquiteawake said...

Oh, and thank you for the award! I love awards!

May-B said...

I ended up chatting with one guy who couldn't spell AND lived in his mother's basement. The world is full of losers. Rather than "be patient" I'm going to say "Good luck."

Although, I am the exception who found an awesome guy. So... HA!

Kidding. Good luck with that bike thing. I will cheer you on from my couch.