The Stagette

I'm not a big fan of stagettes. One, because I'm 31 and I've not been part of the raging bar scene for a number of years, and two, I don't think drinking out of a plastic penis is funny. In my opinion, if you're old enough to have friends that are getting married, you should be well past the point of laughing hysterically at your friend walking around sipping out of strategically placed straw. I get the joke, I just don't think it's funny.

But maybe that's just me.

I did, however, have a pretty good time at my friends stagette this Saturday. Despite being slightly embarrassed at being at a bar I always make fun of, my friends and I managed to suck it up, have a couple drinks, and even dance a little. For those of you who are a little older and have unfortunately fallen out of the bar scene and would like to get back in as I now have, I've taken the liberty of creating a set of tips for the inexperienced:

1) You can never wear too little. A small piece of material stretched across your chest and another across your ass is plenty.

2)Pole dancing with another girl is hot. However, if a guy comes up and starts to grind either of you, get mad because you were obviously not doing it for the attention, you were doing it out of the pure joy of pole dancing.

3)9:30 is not too early to start making out on the dance floor. Even if you're the only ones dancing.

4)If you dress like Justin Timberlake and "dance" like Justin Timberlake, then you indeed are Justin Timberlake.

5)Spilling your drink on someone is no reason for an apology.

6)Young girls are really turned by old men who stare at them.

7)40 year old women in Lycra pant suits=hot

8)The bathroom floor is sticky because it was just waxed.

9)Toilet paper is overrated.

10)If your skirt is not short enough for people to see your underwear while dancing on the dance floor, try dancing on a speaker.

You're welcome.