Thursday, October 18, 2007

Life after supper

I made the worst supper of all time last night. It was very disappointing. Normally, I'm a pretty decent cook. It's one of my few skills. Last night, however, was not one of my shining moments. In theory, the meal would have been fantastic. I had 4 Bassa fillets which were going to be baked in mushroom soup and cilantro, coupled with a package of long grain rice in a wine sauce. Sounds good no? No. To start off with, the fish was still frozen when I put the sauce on which caused a watery mess when it thawed in the oven. Not only was it really watery, but the mushroom soup actually slid off the fish in globs which made it look extra appetizing. I still had hope though. Just because it looks bad doesn't mean it will taste bad right? No. It tasted disgusting. It tasted and felt like I had just grabbed a fish right out of the lake and taken a bite. Maybe that was just the first bite, I thought. Maybe the second one would be great. It was not great. Now, don't get me wrong, I really like fish and all types of sea food. What I don't like is when it tastes like it just jumped into my mouth. The rice sucked too. It tasted like box. The tomatoes were good. I ended up having toast.

So, what's the big news you ask? I'm not telling. Mostly because it's probably not happening. I've been kind of in a rut lately. I've been feeling pretty blah about things. I was really excited about selling and buying a new house and, when we decided that this was not a good choice for us at the moment, I was really disappointed. It was then that I really understood where I was at in my life. I'm at the point where I can't just run off and do anything I want. I can't just quit my job and travel somewhere. I can't just change careers or move to another city on a whim. I can't take huge risks and do whatever I want. I have a mortgage and a husband and responsibilities. I have to seriously think about the future and know that, if we want to have kids in a year or so, I need to make sure I'm making enough so that when I take maternity leave we can still make ends meet. I need to accept that I can't be a stay at home mom like I really wanted to be or else we would never move into a better house. This is probably the hardest part. It's hard to come to the understanding that there are limits on what I can do now. I've never really planned for the future. I've never had a huge career or life goal. This may sound ridiculous for someone who is almost 32 but my only real goal in life was to be happy and enjoy what I do. If I didn't like my job I'd quit and get a new one. If I needed to go back to school, so be it. If I wanted to move somewhere else, I would. It's not that simple anymore. It's not necessarily bad, and in no way do I regret anything I've done that led me to this place, it was just a hard realization to come to. But I'm there now so I'll just do with it what I can.

Being an adult isn't all it's cracked up to be.

4 comments:

may-b said...

How about you get out of my head? Seriously. We keep having the same issues. (although, not exactly being that I am single with 3 dogs and you have a husband.) Being an adult sucks, that is so true. But sometimes, we get to make really cool choices. If you want to be a stay at home mom someday, I say do it! However, it means comprimising what you think you thought was important.

Anonymous said...

Maternity leave maxes out at $418/week GROSS, its not just 55% of your wage and that's not take home. That can catch you in your calculations. At $418 (before all the income taxes come off), you get to live like someone making about $11/hour. Unless you can find someone to work for that tops up your salary....

notquiteawake said...

May-b: I think having three dogs is pretty similar to having one husband. It's not always greener! Although I guess my lawn is a bit greener because my husband doesn't pee outside.

Anonymous:I knew about the max but I've had friends tell me that you don't get taxes taken off maternity leave pay because it's EI. A friend of mine, who has two kids, says she made almost as much with her EI cheque as she did with her regular work cheque because she didn't get taxes taken off. Thanks though, you made me feel a lot better. No, you didn't.

may-b said...

I would hope he doesn't pee outside! Although, when I was locked out of the house after school one day, I had to... but that was different.