Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Attention Walmart Shoppers

In my dream I make the horrible choice of shopping at Walmart in December. In a fit of rage I grab the employee PA system and say something like this:

Attention Walmart Shoppers,

Merry Christmas! Today, as well as every other day, we have opted to only have one person manning the customer service area. Please don't let the fact that the line for returns goes out the door scare you. You will likely be moving much quicker than you think! You would be amazed at how many people get frustrated and leave after waiting in a line for two hours. Where is their Christmas spirit? Oh, did I mention that there aren't any visible barriers in which to stand while waiting? It's pretty much a free for all. And there isn't any room for people to get through after they've purchased something so please be ready to constantly adjust your position to let them through. Constantly.

Please also be aware that, despite the fact it is the Christmas season, we have decided to continue to stock our shelves as if it wasn't. If you can't find what you're looking for, please feel free to look in the various piles of crap on our floor. If anything, it will give you something to do while your children are screaming their faces off in your cart.

It should also be noted that very few of our cashiers have any notable verbal skills and none of them can add. It is for this reason that we ask you to have exact change ready when paying for your items. If you don't have exact change, please use your debit or credit card. You should ABSOLUTELY NEVER give one of our cashiers more money in an attempt to even out your change after they have entered your money into the till. This will cause their head to explode and we are really trying to move towards less head explosions in the future.

Finally, as you know, we at Walmart strive to make your Christmas shopping experience as difficult and ulcer inducing as possible. You can help us in our endeavour by stopping in the middle of a main aisle to talk to your friends. Please make sure at least one of you has a cart and that both of you remain totally oblivious to the many many people who are trying to get by. Standing and chatting in front of a shelf is also a popular choice or, better yet, an exit door. We would like Walmart to continue to be known as a place where you can meet old friends, hang out, and chat with your carts wherever you please.

We would like to thank everyone who is taking a break from watching TV in their trailors for shopping at Walmart today. To the rest of you, I truely hope you have a micky of spiced rum in your glove box.

Happy Holidays!


Tricia said...

Hilarious! Ok, let's move Saturday coffee to aisle 4 in Walmart. I'll borrow some screaming children especially for the occasion and perhaps you can bring a blanket for us to use as we sit on the floor. Happy Holidays!!

notquiteawake said...

I'm totally in!