Thursday, May 22, 2008

Homeownership is frightening

I am having one HELL of a time with my house. One. Hell. Of. A. Time. For those of you just joining us, let's recap using bullets:
  • Less than one week after I move into my house my pipes get clogged. I find out that it is a common belief that not being able to use your toilet for days at a time is ok. I disagree and move in with my parents.
  • I get my pipes cleaned out and move back to my house. The problem is solved for one day. Back to my parents.
  • The pipes are again cleaned out but with a bigger machine. I invite my parents over for a wonderful "thank you for letting me and my dog live at your house even though I'm thirty-two" supper consisting of Greek Ribs, Homemade Biscuits, Mixed Mushroom Salad and a Pear Rum Crisp for dessert. Fifteen minutes before they arrive, the pipes plug up again. I decide to ban liquid.
  • I'm told I have to dig up my yard to fix the problem. This will cost $15000.00. I cry a little bit.
  • I call the city in for a second opinion. Their opinion is that I don't have to dig up my yard but I do have to get my pipes cleaned out every 8 months at least. They will do this for free. I say it would have been nice to know this before I paid $500.00 for someone else to do it. They say yes it would have been.
  • The city cleans out my pipes for free but leaves poop splattered all over my walls and floor. I cry a little bit.
  • The mice move in.
  • The exterminator comes.
  • How are the mice getting in?
  • My foundation is cracked.
  • I call every basement company in my city to see if they work on crawl spaces. Out of the two that call me back, one actually shows up. The central beam in my house has moved and my foundation will continue to crack until I get that fixed. It will cost around $15000.00. I wonder if that is just a number that tradespeople throw out to make single girls cry.
  • I find another basement guy who comes in to give a second opinion. His opinion is that, yes, the beam has moved but not only that, the foundation is cracked so bad on the one corner that my house has started to sink. He shows me the corner and indicates that someone has shoved a plastic bag in the crack to try to fix or hide it. A plastic bag.
  • I decide to regroup and make supper.
  • I open a bottom cupboard to get out a pot and notice that the pot is wet. The pipe that runs through the cupboard that connects to the tap that turns on my outside water in the house that Jack built is leaking.
  • I find that it leaks even more when I turn on the outside water to water my flowers.
  • I resolve that I am going to fix this problem myself and buy a couple of patching kits from Home Depot.
  • I realize that I am not handy in any way.
  • Now I have to phone a plumber and ask if he can fix a pipe that once leaked but now pours and not only that, there is also a bunch of hardened sticky crap on the pipe from multiple patching kits that I now can't get off.

I am really scared to go home.


may-b said...

OMG, how in the hell do all these things happen to you?? Were you a mass murderer in your past lives?

Working From Home Today said...

Oh my god. I am so sorry. What a nightmare. You're earning your Home Owner Badge the hard way. But at least you can tell the rest of us how it's done when the time comes.

erin said...

maybe you should start sleeping around with handy-looking men who wander the aisles of Home Depot for fun who have either some sort of spackle or grease on their clothes and maybe a touch of plumber's crack. That way you know they are not just posers.
(seriously kidding. especially about the sleeping around part.)

notquiteawake said...

may-b - I wasn't a murderer as far as I know. That would make a good Crime Stories though.
working - Soon I will be able to teach a class.
erin - I'm seriously almost to that point.

Schmutzie said...

I'm with Erin. Pick out some handy-looking young men with callouses and bring them home.

notquiteawake said...

I actually have a friend who is helping me out with everything. I'm very lucky. I'm also lucky that his wife doesn't mind him constantly coming over to my house and fixing things. I would probably mind. But I'm like that.

Wilma said...

Holy crap in a bag ~ you've had more than your share.

I don't even know what to say.

Jodi - 35 and single (sigh) said...

Have you ever seen the movie money pit...

I agree with the others - get out there and flaunt yourself