Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Murphy's Law

Why is it that every time I go grocery shopping I choose the cart the sucks the most? Either a wheel's loose or it makes a horribly irritating noise or it can't turn one way.

One year I got a really good Christmas bonus so I thought I would make an attempt at selflessness and give a fair chunk to charity. I went to Walmart with the intent of buying food for the food bank and some toys for Santa's Anonymous. I was in a hurry as usual and grabbed the first cart I saw. And what a cart it was. This poor thing really needed to be put out of it's misery. I don't remember if the wheel on the front right hand side was stuck or loose or what but the cart would neither turn right nor go straight. Did I try to find another cart? No. Of course not. That would have taken seconds of my valuable time. I was on a charitable mission. Charitable missions wait for no one. I'd managed to figure out a strategy though. If I put my full body weight on the handle bar while I pushed, I could somewhat maneuver it through the extremely crowded aisles. (Remember, it was Christmas time.)

I had soon filled my cart half full of food and had decided to move on to the toys. I bought crayons and books and trucks and barbies. Then I saw it. The ultimate Christmas gift for a little girl. Imagine, you're four years old on Christmas morning. Your three Christmases before this one have been pretty sub par, being that you're poor and all, but this year, this year there is a package for you under the tree. And it is huge. You rip open the package and there it is. A doll that is the size of you. The doll's beautiful face becomes blurry as you cry tears of joy. You will be friends forever.

Touching right? I thought so and immediately grabbed the doll and tried to fit it in my cart. My cart was already pretty full, but I could manage. If I just steered the cart with one hand, I could use the other hand to make sure the doll didn't fall out of the cart. Or knock things off the shelves. Or hit people. But remember I had to keep both hands on the handle of the cart in order to keep the cart from veering into passers by? Right. So, basically it took me about 25 minutes to go from the toy section to the till as I tried to keep my cart on track and not bump into shelves or run into people with my large doll friend. I don't think I have ever gotten so many dirty looks. I was so awkward and so frustrated by the end that I just wanted yell out: GET OUT OF MY F'ING WAY SO I CAN PAY FOR MY GIANT DOLL! I'M DOING THIS FOR CHARITY YOU ASSHOLES!

It was then that I learned a beautiful Christmas lesson. Charity is for suckers. It is something that I will never forget.

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