Monday, January 26, 2009

Saying goodbye

For once the reason for me not posting in a while is not OH MY GOD I'M SO BUSY. I'm not really busy at work at all so, ideally, I should be posting 4 or 5 times a day while they pay me to do so because I'm not very happy with them right now and boy would that show them.

And the reason for me not posting in a while is also not that there isn't anything going on in my life. I'm going to be moving to a new province with no job in less than two weeks (oh my good lord) and that's nothing if not exciting.

The reason why I haven't posted for a while is because there are so many things going on, one of which is very hard to write about. And, really, the fact that it is so hard, probably surprises me the most.

I knew that when I found a home for my dog Rider that it would be sad. He had been going on sleepovers with prospective families for the past few weeks and, while I missed him, I also appreciated the fact that I didn't have as many responsibilities. This will to be alright, I thought. I can go out for lunch, I won't have to vacuum every day, I can get a good sleep every night. This won't be half bad.

But then I got an email from one of the families. They loved him, they said. They would like to take him if that was ok with me. Well, of course it was ok with me. They are a great family. They're all very nice and have a teenage daughter who had fallen in love with Rider at first site. There is someone home all the time. They have grand kids and their older son, who lives away from home, has a dog and they get along great. They were perfect. So I said yes.

And then I cried in my office.

They brought him back for a couple of days so I could say goodbye. Friday night I let him sleep with me for the last time. Saturday morning they came to pick him up. We talked for a bit and then I told them I was going to say goodbye and then they would have to take him right away and leave because I didn't really want to cry in front of strangers. So I gave him a big hug, said goodbye, and then he was gone. I watched them pull away with tears running down my face.

The weekend was hard. I kept expecting him to be right beside me or come running when I dropped something. I kept expecting to see his little head sitting between the curtains when I pulled up to the house. I expected him to be there when I got up Sunday morning.

What I didn't expect, was for this to be so hard. I've never been this upset about giving up a pet. I honestly wasn't this upset about giving up a husband. I had a brief moment on Sunday night when I thought that maybe I had made a mistake, but I know in my poor broken heart that I didn't. I know it will get easier. Despite the fact that I've almost started crying many times while writing this and I am not a crier at all, I know it will get easier. It was even a bit easier this morning.

I also know that he will be more happy which is more important. He would have been alone most of the time in Ontario. He will rarely be home alone now. He was so excited to see them when they came to pick him up so I know it will take very little time for him to get adjusted.

As for me, I now have the freedom to take any job I want regardless of the location. (This would of course follow an actual job offer.) I can go anywhere I want and move anywhere I want and not have to worry about whether or not the place I'm looking for has a back yard. I won't be responsible for anyone but myself. This is a good thing. Or, at least, it will be.

For now, I'm really going to miss the little guy. He got me through a lot of lonely times. If the family he's with now loves him even half as much as I do, he'll be happy. And that's good enough for me.

Or, at least, it will be.


tee said...

Aww..I'm sending you a mental hug. And just so you know, this is very close to how I feel about you leaving!

May-B said...

And now I'm crying. You had him at a time when you really needed him. Of course it will be hard. I'm sorry this is so hard for you!!

Working From Home Today said...

This is a beautiful post.

farleycat said...

I second tee's comments. And May-B's and Working From Home Today's too.

Heathercoo said...

Oh my heart is breaking for you. I have been in your position before and it was so hard. I have tears in my eyes just reading your post. The most important thing is that you love him and it shows. No need to feel guilty when you are doing what is best for him even though it hurts you so much. That just shows what an amazing person you are.

notquiteawake said...

Thanks guys. I don't even want to go into how much I'm going to miss my friends! The only thing that's getting me through that is that I know I will see you all again when I come back to visit or when you come visit me!
Heatheroo, I just read your post about picking up your dogs paw print. So sad. Thanks for the kind words. I love your blog format by the way. Really nice! Everyone should go check it out!
P.S. I realize that all of this is something I've chosen to do so I really should just suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself. I will eventually.

notquiteawake said...

Dammit! HeatherCoo, not roo.

Becca said...

hug. what a tough decision

Bruno Rocco said...

Ok I stumbled onto your blog came in from Death Bed Moment . I have been reading away and you have kept me quite interested. Until i got to this post : I just spent the last 10 minutes holding back the tears as I to had to give up a pet, two in fact. 17 years ago I had to give away my Samson and Brutus (I am sure they are both dead now ) But reading your post brought back the guilt and feelings of abandonment. They both went to good homes but I had to seperate them. I haven't thought about that experience in probably 10 years maybe more. I have new kids now two cats and a dog and I could not imagine having to go through giving them away. Once was enough. (I have given up husbands & wives and neither were as hard as the pets)My heart feels for you having to give up your companion.
You will one day find a new one.
Great blog even though you made me cry.

notquiteawake said...

Thanks Bruno. I'm sorry I made you cry. I hope you continue to read anyways!

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