I heard on the radio today that it was "Awkward Moment Day" or something so I figured I'd celebrate by sharing those awkward moments that have happened to me when I have NOT been very very drunk because sharing with you the drunk moments would take way too long, like, many many days, and my brother would probably stop talking to me and by the end you all would just be shaking your head and probably feel a bit awkward yourself because you would actually start feeling ashamed for me and also wonder how I could still be alive. And then you would think to yourself, oh that's why she stopped drinking.
When I was in about grade 3 or 4 or so, I would go with my best friend to her church group on Wednesday nights. It was basically just a big group of kids, I think actually it was all girls, oh yeah, it was called Pioneer Girls so yes, it was all girls, and we would hang out and play games and do activities and probably learn about God and stuff. I forget really.
Anyways, one night we were playing a game or doing something and we were all in a giant circle and the instructors were in the middle and I had to ask the instructors something so I walked into the middle. And all the girls in the giant circle went quiet so they could hear what I was saying and I was whispering for some reason, maybe it was an embarrassing question or something. I know this story is really not that incredibly detailed but it's really all my fantastic memory will allow me to give.
The importance isn't in the detail though, the importance is in the fact that I, for some reason, chose that great silent moment in the giant circle to fart. And during the silence that ensured, before everyone started laughing because they were trying to figure out who did it, I somehow convinced myself that if I didn't say "excuse me" that it would be some sort of affront to God because I was in a church. Don't ask me how I came to that conclusion, but I actually remember thinking it. So, I said "excuse me" so I wouldn't offend God with my dishonest fart and then, of course, everyone started laughing. My friend told me later that I shouldn't have said anything because nobody knew it was me. I'm totally going to heaven now though.
Have I shared the swimming story yet? If I have, stop reading. I'm too lazy to go back and check my other entries. If I haven't, here you go.
I'm not a strong swimmer. I was scared of water for my entire childhood and, truth be told, I am actually still a bit scared of water. I took some adult swimming classes a couple of years ago so I can save my life probably but only if the boat sinks a couple of feet from shore. So, one day, and this wasn't really that far back, probably only about 5 years ago, my friend and I decided to go hang out at an outdoor pool and sunbathe. About an hour in, my friend decides that she's going to go swim a lap and then she comes back all refreshed and exercised and I think, hey why don't I go swim a lap! Great idea. I'm not sure if I forgot that I couldn't swim or if I was in denial or what but I toddled off in my bathing suit and sat on the edge of the pool right beside a couple of beautiful, well toned girls in bathing caps who were obviously very strong swimmers and were taking a break from swimming probably many many laps. Right after I sat down I looked at them and thought, this is actually a very big mistake, but I had already sat down like I was going to do something and getting back up would make me look like a fool so clearly jumping in to swim would make me look like much less of a fool right?
So I worked up all my courage and jumped in like a pro ready to swim the lap of my life and as my head went under and the tips of my toes touched the bottom I thought, oh yeah, I can't swim, fuck. I sure tried though. I pushed myself off the bottom and did a couple of strokes until I realized that, not only can I not swim, but I am also so out of shape I can't even dog paddle across the pool. Aha! I thought. I would flip onto my back and gently glide my way to the other side.
Now, let's pause here and remember that as I was flopping around like a drowning fish in the middle of the pool, there are two beautiful swimmer girls watching. Imagine what they are thinking. And then imagine what they are thinking when the drowning fish girl basically just gives up and jumps from the center of the pool to the other side, bobbing up and down, trying desperately to keep her chin above water.
Why didn't I just bob back to the side I came from? Because that would have been embarrassing. You know what's not embarrassing? Getting to the other side and being so weak from trying to swim that, after trying a couple of times, realizing that there was no way I was pushing myself up out of the water. And then having to jump all the way back to the first side of the pool. Where the girls are sitting. And, thankfully, where there is also a ladder.
Happy Awkward Day!