Last night, after watching Alvin and the Chipmunks with my 5 year old niece and 11 year old nephew, I decided to amuse myself by balancing their female shi tzu(Zoe) on her hind legs, basically because I'm a child.
Niece: What are those things on Zoe's tummy?
Me: What things?
Me: Oh. Those are um, those are, those are Zoe's, uh, nipples.
Now, just to interrupt if I may, the struggle whether or not to say the word "nipple" in front of my 5 year old niece was not based on whether or not I think kids should learn about the body, because I think they should, the struggle was based on the fact that I'd already gotten in trouble for making a porn joke(which is different obviously)and also because I'm generally awkward when talking to kids and I'm also awkward when talking about sex and body parts so to have to combine them both would probably be, without exaggeration, the worst experience I could possibly imagine.
But I digress.
So, anyways, nipples.
Niece: What are nipples?
Me: Well, nipples are, nipples are for when Zoe has puppies and that's where they eat.
Nephew: IT'S WHERE THE MILK COMES FROM.
(oh god please stop this now)
Niece: How does she have puppies?
Me: Well, um, well, it's a really, it's really hard to understand when you're young and you'll...you'll probably want to ask your parents about this when you're older.
Nephew: When you're in grade 5.
Me: It's really confusing.
Nephew: Yeah, I found it really confusing when I first learned it.
(Ok, we're not talking about this. This conversation is not happening right now.)
Niece: I want to know now.
Me: Ok, well, basically, with dogs, um, the puppies are in the mommy's tummy like, well, you know when you see a lady with a baby in her tummy and it's really big? Kind of like that but dogs can have many puppies. Like 2. Or 6. But mostly 2.
Me: No...well, I don't know a lot about dogs. Maybe 10 but probably not.
(please stop now)
Niece: Where do they come out?
(No....not where do they come out...NOT WHERE DO THEY COME OUT. THIS IS NOT MY JOB.)
Me: Well, there's a hole...(I'm not saying vagina. Vagina will not be said by anyone in this conversation. If my nephew says vagina I am going to leave the room and pretend this never happened)...there's a...hole that gets bigger when the puppies come out.
Niece: Does it hurt?
Me: Um, well, I'm not sure if it hurts dogs but I do know it hurts humans. Ok? Ok. So, what do you what to do now?
Now, again, it's not that I'm a huge prude and I don't think kids should learn about this. I just don't EVER want to be the one who teaches them. I don't have kids so I think one of the bonuses of that is never having to have the sex talk with one of them. And also I'm a prude. Talking about that shit with ANYONE makes me so uncomfortable that I would rather remove my retinas with a stick.
That's healthy right?