Saturday, September 5, 2009

But I'm worth a million in hilarity.

I was pleasantly surprised after work today to find that a bird had shit all over my car. Like ALL over my car. This bird was seriously ill. I have no idea what this bird ate or what he was up to last night, but the result is all over my car. I should probably clean it I guess.


One time, after a night of heavy drinking, I was driving my ex husband home and he's all, "I'm going to be sick," because he's sort of a light-weight and I'm all, "Open the door dude," and he must have thought I meant "window" because of the language barrier I guess so he just opened the window and stuck his head out and I was like, "That was pretty awesome High School."

So the next day I decided I was going to walk to work and he decided he was going to stay in bed because a) he was hungover and b) he didn't have a job and, as I was walking past the car, I noticed that there was something covering the entire passenger side and I was like, "What the fuck is...oh...mother f..." So I went back inside and back into the bedroom and told my ex husband that it was now time to get up because he had to clean up the car because there was his VOMIT all over it and, not only was that disgusting but it was also FUCKING EMBARRASSING and he was all, "I'm not feeling very good," and I'm like, "I'll make you not feel very good," or something and then I said, "If you don't go clean up that car I am totally divorcing you right now."

And that is the story of how we got divorced.

No, it's not.

But he did clean the car.

** ** **

Yesterday I was on the phone with my bank because I wanted to start making contributions to my RRSP again and the guy was asking me all these questions and I wasn't really paying attention because I was chatting online so all my answers were basically, "Sure, that sounds good," and I think he was probably getting annoyed but then he asked me if I still thought I was worth $45,000-$50,000 and I started laughing and he started getting more annoyed, but at least I was paying attention, and he said, "So, no?" and I couldn't answer because I was laughing so hard so then he said, "What do you think you are worth then?" and I said, "What is the lowest I could be worth," and he said, "The lowest we have here is under $25,000," and I was like, "Let's do that one." And then he sighed. And then I went back to not paying attention so I'm not sure what happened after that.

** ** **

And, finally, I am saddened to announce that I will be watching the Labor Day Classic on Sunday by myself for the first time ever because all of my friends refuse to fly down here to watch it with me. And also because most of them are actually going to the game and probably the cabaret after.

I call selfish.


Anonymous said...

I laughed my ass off during this entire post.

(That was just away to express my appreciation for the post. While I did laugh quite heartily, I did not actually laugh until my ass fell off.)

May-B said...

A good time was had by all. Although, we did miss you at the game.

PS I think I ate what that bird ate. Where did you park?

notquiteawake said...

INB: Thanks for clarifying.
May-B: That was awesome. You made me laugh first thing in the morning. You win.