So far my day's been pretty awesome.

Dear Neighbours Who Live Underneath Me,

First off, I really want to apologize for the huge bang and subsequent clanging noises at around 11am today.  That was my bed completely falling apart after I realized a support bar had come off and was trying to jiggle it back on.  I'm sure you appreciated the fact that there was no loud swearing that followed.  This is mainly because I was so shocked after watching my entire bed collapse that no words could be formed.  You likely did not hear the silent tears.

I also wanted to apologize for the 7 or 8 loud metallic clangs around 11:30am.  This happened because I couldn't figure out how to get under the bed to tighten the screws so I decided to turn the extremely heavy frame on it's side which is when the bars that I had attached all fell off again.  And also the giant metal foot of the bed.  I'm sure I don't need to tell you how loud that was hey?  Ha ha.  The clanging about a half an hour after that is when all the bars fell off again and I realized that I was probably doing it wrong.  The "FUCK ME" you likely heard was when I realized that I had no idea how to do it right.  But then I figured out how to do it so it's ok.  And even though it took me an hour THIS time, think how quick I'm going to be able to do it NEXT time I need to put my bed together.  Everything happens for a reason right?

You may have wondered what the "no no no NO NO NO NO" was relating to.  That was when I was trying to lower my very heavy box spring down to the floor so I could slide it on the frame and I lost control and it started sliding and slowly fell on me, crushing me to the floor.  That was pretty sweet.  Once those buggers start falling there really is no stopping them apparently.  I apologize for that yelling as well.

If it makes a difference, I will be moving in a month so you won't have to worry about any more noise.  Hopefully you can wait that long.

Sincerely,
Me.

**  **  **

Today as I was microwaving my lunch and wondering why my crappy little microwave was making weird noises, I was taken back to the time a few years ago when I was living in a different city in a different house with a different microwave and I was wondering why this particular microwave wasn't heating up food as fast as it used to.  So, I took my food out and stuck my hand inside to see if I could feel anything blocking the metal plate on top and realized that yes, there was something blocking the plate on top.  An entire wiener.  An entire wiener was stuck to the metal plate on the top of the inside of the microwave.  "How does that happen", I asked myself.  "How does someone miss an entire wiener?  If you put two wieners in the microwave to cook and only one comes out wouldn't you wonder what happened?  Wouldn't you question the whereabouts of the other wiener?"

And then I remembered I was married.  Mystery solved.