Sunday, October 24, 2010

Garbage Can Pie

I'm not sure if many of you know but, since I've stopped training and started drinking again, I've started to gain a bit of weight.  It's not that noticeable to the standard observer(at least I don't think it is) but I've noticed and my pants have noticed and neither one of us are very happy with it.  So, I've decided to remedy the situation by not working out ever and trying to hone my not so spectacular baking skills by buying a dessert book and eating my way through.  Sounds effective no?

And while I'm pretty sure this is not the secret key to rapid weight loss, it's definitely a learning experience and that's what we're all after here right?  To learn?  Through eating desserts?  I thought so.

Unfortunately what I'm learning is that I'm not very good.  Some things turn out really well (Red Velvet Cupcakes, Toffee Cake Squares, Banana Cream Pie), some things need some work on the aesthetics but still taste pretty good(Blackberry Custard Pie) and some things that are supposed to be White Chocolate Cupcakes for my bosses birthday actually turn out to be White Chocolate Hockey Pucks that I'm pretty sure people just ate out of pity.  Lesson learned: Some recipes should not be doubled.  Lesson also learned:  I need to buy more things. I'm fairly certain that now that I have a new double broiler, super cool whisk and tart tin, things should work out fine.

I'm also fairly certain that pastry is my nemesis.  I have not yet made good pastry.  That is now my new life goal.  And to buy new pants.

Anyways, the point of this post is not to talk about my ever expanding midsection and my complete lack of motivation to do anything about it other than try to will it away.  No, the point of this post is, now that I'm a professional baker, to share with you my most recent creation.  

Before I share with you this recipe, let be give you a bit of back story.  In my dessert book there are also "savory" recipes to try and, seeing as it is my lifelong goal to overcome my nemesis(pastry: see above) I decided to make these little beef and potato pastry pocket things.  Sort of like Pizza Pops but way more awesome and classy.

So, without further adieu, here for your own enjoyment is my recipe for, what I like to call, Garbage Can Pie.  If you decide to try it please leave your experience in the comments!

Garbage Can Pie
Ingredients:  Many expensive food items
  1. Carefully read pastry recipe to ensure an error free experience.
  2. Decide to use flour that you haven't used in probably a year.
  3. Find bugs in flour.
  4. Throw flour out.
  5. Almost throw up.
  6. Decide, on second thought, to use the flour you just recently purchased.
  7. Make pastry.
  8. Feel really cool and professional using your new pastry cutter to cut the dry ingredients into the wet.
  9. Notice that the dough is quite a bit more wet than it usually is even before you add the required water but decide that's probably the way it's supposed to be and ignore it.
  10. Put dough in fridge to chill.
  11. Make beef and potato filling.
  12. Take dough out of fridge and attempt to roll into 4 "dinner plate" sized circles.
  13. Give up because the dough is oddly very sticky and will not lift up off the counter no matter how much flour you add.
  14. Decide to roll it out into two thicker circles and make one giant meat pie.
  15. Marvel at the beauty of the pie.
  16. Put pie in oven
  17. Wonder why pastry is bubbling and dripping into bottom of oven.
  18. Put cookie sheet under pie to catch drips even though it's really far too late for that.
  19. Cook for an hour.
  20. Check pie.
  21. Wonder why crust isn't cooking at all.
  22. Cook for another hour.
  23. Check pie.
  24. Realize that you did something horribly wrong because crust is still soft and also oddly runny.
  25. Decide to scoop out inside of pie and cook in frying pan.
  26. Decide to call your new creation "Frying Pan Pie"
  27. Congratulate yourself on inventing a new dish!
  28. Take a bite.
  29. Equate that bite to eating a mouthful of pure lard.
  30. Spit it out.
  31. Check the ingredients again and realize you accidentally doubled not only the lard but, somehow, also the butter.  
  32. Throw everything in the garbage.
  33. Eat pizza pops.
  34. Congratulate yourself on probably the most epic fail of your baking career.
  35. Go to bed.
In hindsight, this probably is a pretty good weight loss strategy.  Maybe I'm on to something.


tee said...

One time I tried to make Brazillian lemonade. I'm apparently not smart enough to figure out that something made entirely of lime juice and condensed milk would be disgusting and curdle-y. Welcome to the club.

Hutch said...

I get really really upset at myself if I'm baking something and it doesn't come out right because all it is is following directions right? Who can't follow directions? while it doesn't happen regularly anymore since I've learned the difference between tsp and tbsp, I've been there friend. said...

out loud, laughing.

with, not at.

Curiosity said...

Recipes and I do NOT get along. I'm sure that there's some magic line in there somewhere that only people with super-secret decoder rings get to read.

And they are laughing at me.

The Unsure Blogger said...

You are SUCH a good blogger...(soooooo funny...)
I strive to be as good as you someday!

PS--I admire your new 'diet'. You go girl.
PPS--try to avoid baking with's called LARD.

Moira, Craig and the kids said...

Butter, flour, ice water, food processor. Works like a dream. Most of the time.