Thursday, September 4, 2008

The Rules Of Traffic

I've come to the conclusion that there must be some sort of traffic rule book somewhere in my fair city and I have yet to be privileged enough to come across it. Silly as I am, I've been following the rules of the road which I learned in my drivers education class, granted that was quite a number of years ago. Apparently the rules have changed since then and, seeing as I can't find a concrete, written down version, I've taken the liberty of writing them down myself so they can be easily accessed by anyone.
  • When parking at a corner, park as close to the end of the corner as possible. If you can, try to park so that the nose of your car sticks out ever so slightly into the intersection. If the people who are stopped at the intersection can't see around you and get into an accident, that's their own damn fault.
  • Signaling is optional. The only person who really needs to know you are turning is you. The person behind you certainly doesn't need to know.
  • The only exception to the rule above is for buses. When they signal you better damn well get out of their way because they're coming into your lane whether you like it or not. Even if there is no way you can move over or slow down. Just tuck your head between your legs and pray.
  • If you're driving down a residential street and you see someone you know, by all means stop in the middle of the road and talk to them. There's no need to pull over, as people can just go around you if they're in such a hurry to continue driving to their destination. And if you think that putting on your hazards might help by letting the person behind you know that you are not planning on moving in the near future, think again. If they can't tell you're busy, that's their problem.
  • Teenagers walking down the street have the right of way at all times. No matter how great the urge, don't try to disperse the slow moving group by driving through it with your car.
  • Kids on bikes and skateboards are deaf and blind. Don't try to predict which way they are going to go because they will always go in the opposite direction. Always.
  • Tailgating works. If on the off chance it doesn't work, honk your horn repeatedly. It is highly unlikely that there would be something going on in the car in front of you that would cause the driver to slow down other than them wanting to piss you off.
  • If you find that you just cannot muster up enough energy to walk half a block to the next corner, just cross the road where you are. And don't wait for traffic to stop, just go. If people don't stop for you, get mad at them. The only reason that they're not stopping is because they're assholes. It couldn't possibly be the fact that you're FUCKING JAYWALKING. No, it could not.
You're welcome.


Anonymous said...

At least stopping at stop signs isn't optional, as it seems to be in my neck of the woods. Here, slowing down seems to suffice. Or, even better, there's the rule that if the car in front of you has stopped, and you've stopped behind that car, you BOTH get to go at the same time.

Interestingly enough, though, I have found that this sort of behavior does not happen around me if I am wearing sunglasses, and the opposing drivers cannot see my eyes. Hmmmm....

notquiteawake said...

I love the stopping behind a car rule. Technically they did stop though....My friend did that once when we were 16 and almost got us all killed. It was awesome.

Anonymous said...

Gee, you must live in my town, as all of those "rules" seem to apply here, too...
(when oh when did people become so incredibly stupid?)