Thursday, October 30, 2008

Things I should have put on my online dating profile

  • If the age range of the person I'm looking for is 29-43, don't send me a message if you're 50. I would rather you be closer to my age than my Dad's. I'm sure my Dad would be more comfortable with that as well. If he knew I was doing this.
  • In that same vein, don't send me a message if you're 20. I don't care that you "get along better with older women" or "younger women just can't keep up with you IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN LOL!!!" You're a child to me. We will have nothing in common. Especially if I put that I don't drink and your profile picture is one in which you are clearly drunk holding a beer bottle. Classy.
  • I hate LOL and OMG. Hate. If you you message me or email me using those letters I will delete it immediately.
  • If you have an "extreme love for shoes" you are probably not looking for a woman.
  • If you say you are "intelligent" in your profile, try spelling it right.
  • Don't put in your first message that you've stopped drinking because you were becoming an alcoholic. That is not a draw for me. Or any woman likely.
  • Don't pose for your profile pictures. You look like a douche.
  • Don't post pictures of yourself on a bed or with a sleeveless shirt. Also douchey.
  • Absolutely do not have a pretend written conversation with yourself anywhere in your profile. Ever.

I'm honestly surprised I haven't received a marriage proposal yet with all my open mindedness. So far so good.


Sourpuss said...

I love the guys who put a picture of themselves with another woman as their profile picture. What are they thinking?! Or the ones where a girl has clearly been cut out - like you can still see her arm around his waist. I won't even get into the ones who wanted to be 'honest' and tell me they were just looking for "something on the side" - that's douchey!!

Heathercoo said...

When I was doing the online dating thing I had a 55 year old man after me. I was 22! I ended up blocking him because he wouldn't stop messaging me.

courtney said...

People have conversations with themselves on their profiles? Wow.

I hate those guys who pose and act all buff and LAME for their profile pictures. Path-et-ic!

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erin said...

Hi! Where are you? Did you contact that John guy and get swept away by his creepiness?

Maybe you have met the man of your dreams and you moved in with him but he doesn't have internet access? (oh Gawd. I hope he doesn't live with his mom and she's filtering your access.)

Maybe you thought he was the man of your dreams but he chopped you up into lots of pieces? Or has you locked in some dungeon and he's forcing you to listen to Richard Marx all day and serve him tv dinners at night?

Are your wrists too sore to type your blog because you are obsessed with "winking" at people's profiles?

Oh double Gawd...i hope your online dating experience is better than my imagination.

tee said...

I love that John's looking out for you...what the hell? Was he skulking around on the 'net typing in random searches for people dissatisfied with their on-line dating experience? And did he not read your post? You're not the one being creepy, it's not YOU it's THEM! John, you kind of suck, and you're creepy. There, I said it, you're creepy and sucky. Stick that in your dating profile.