Thursday, October 9, 2008

Weddings and Porn

Weddings are curious affairs. I generally enjoy them. I like dancing and eating so, if the DJ and the food are good, I consider the wedding a success. I have been known to pitch a fit when a midnight lunch hasn't been served. That's the best part of the event really. Buns, meat, cheese and pickles. After a night of drinking and dancing, it could possibly be the best food you have ever eaten.

I had the pleasure of attending a wedding of a good friend of mine this past weekend. I had a fantastic time. As far as weddings go, this one was pretty much perfect. I have been to about a billion weddings and I have, over the years, created a mental list of the things that can make or break a wedding. This wedding received a passing grade. An A + even. If you are thinking of getting married, pay attention because I'm going to share with you the list of things that made this wedding a success. These are not just personal opinions. These are facts. If your wedding does not adhere to this list, you will likely get divorced within the year. Take it from one who knows. Let's start from the top:
  • The church was bright and cheerfully decorated. The music was light and celebratory. In short, I didn't feel like I had accidentally walked into a funeral. This has actually happened to me.
  • The ceremony started on time.
  • The bride was beautiful.(I've never actually been at a wedding where this was not the case)
  • The ceremony was short.(This is so, so important. I don't care if you're "religious" or whatever, long ceremonies are boring)
  • The small town bar which we went to between the ceremony and the reception was chalk full of character. And by character I mean porn. What? Yes, porn. You know those arcade type games with the claw where you can pay a dollar and try to grab a stuffed animal? Well, this particular game was full of pornography. For one dollar you could have a video or a vibrator or even a stuffed animal with a vibrator attached to it! Actually, you couldn't have any of those things. Because it was broken. We asked. Also, the pool balls were crusty and we had to wash our hands after playing because...wait for it....we touched the crusty balls!! A group of gown women can actually take this joke for a surprisingly long ride.
  • The hall was simply but beautifully decorated.
  • The food was awesome, especially the dessert. The dessert conversation actually took up a good portion of the night.
  • The speeches were short, touching and funny. I once attended a wedding where the speeches were, no word of a lie, 4 hours. And there were only FOUR SPEECHES. And they were not at all funny or touching. AND THE BAR WAS CLOSED. I wanted to kill myself.
  • The MC was really good. His stories were short and funny and didn't involve endless inside jokes. He also didn't make anyone play games which was appreciated.
  • The video was short and really well done.
  • The DJ was fantastic. I don't think I've ever been happier with a DJ. And I'm picky. No Bird Dance OR The Mackarena. I thought I was in heaven.
The End.

3 comments:

May-B said...

I totally let you down and didn't get my butt in gear to get those pictures posted!!! You wrote it all very well. I couldn't have done it better.

notquiteawake said...

You can still post though! I'll link to your pictures. And then we can share readers and they can get the story from two seperate views!! Kind of like How I met your mother! But with less Doogie.

courtney said...

^ Dude, Doogie rocks. He makes that show.

But that's not what I came to say. I came to say that I completely agree on your list of wedding essentials.

My minister droned on and on... when we met with him, the speech he gave didn't seem nearly so long, but whoa, when we were standing up there? Oy. Far. Too. Long. Fortunately, we're still married. :P

And I totally want a porn claw machine. I should commission my local Denny's to put one in. We're totally ghetto over here.