Wednesday, June 24, 2009


I went to the beach on Sunday with my friend from Regina who now lives in Toronto and it was pretty awesome. It took us about a year to get there but I'm the kind of person who really wants to get some place and is always like, "HURRY UP WE HAVE TO GO FASTER SO WE CAN GET THERE QUICKER AND HAVE MORE TIME FOR FUN!!!" and then, once I'm there I'm like, "I'm bored." It's a lot of fun for the people I hang out with.

So, basically, I was bored after an hour and would have been bored sooner if it hadn't been for an occurrence so visually shocking that I'm pretty sure it stopped time. A woman, who was quite large, had forgotten her bathing suit I guess, and, rather than let that deter her from enjoying a refreshing dip, instead decided to fashion some form of coverage using her very thin t-shirt and shorts. And I guess maybe she forgot underwear too because when she came out of the water with her t-shirt tied in a knot between her very large breasts I was, at first, convinced she was completely naked and I was like, "What the fuck dude?" and then I realized that, no, she did indeed have some form of clothing on so then I was like, "WHAT THE FUCK DUDE?" And I couldn't look away. It was like a car accident. I just kept staring at her near nakedness wondering how many children were currently saving this memory for future use when talking to their psychologists. And if my friend hadn't said, "Is that Darryl Hannah?" my eyes would have probably dried out.

Luckily it ended up that she was sitting right in front of us because it turns out that, not only was she pretty much naked, but she also had one of the foulest mouths of anyone I had ever heard. Except her friend. And I guess they were both pretty hard of hearing or perhaps completely deaf because they had to yell at each other in order to be heard despite the fact that they were sitting side by side. And the one guy kept saying "Yo" all the time as in, "So I slapped that bitch up, yo." Sorry, I mean "SO I SLAPPED THAT BITCH UP, YO!"

I wish I was kidding.

And then they started talking about how they wanted to bury some BITCH in the SAND because she FUCKED with his MOM, YO and my friend said that if you closed your eyes and just pretended it was a Saturday Night Live sketch it was actually pretty funny.

So I tried but I couldn't do it because they just kept getting louder and louder and buddy kept looking around to see if people were watching him and I was like, "There are tonnes of kids around here so maybe watch your mouth a bit, yo." Except I didn't say that and, because I really wanted to say that, we had to move because I would likely have gotten my ass kicked in another five minutes.

Nothing like relaxing at the beach with degenerates.

I did also manage to get a sunburn despite liberally applying sunscreen. And it's really random which makes me look only slightly like a freak. A small square on the top of my nose, a stripe down my chest, and a stripe down the front of each of my legs. Hot. Plus I can still see the lines from the horrible burn I got LAST summer when I was playing in an ultimate frisbee tournament and was still drunk from the night before. I guess I thought that the alcohol seeping through my pores would provide protection enough? Turns out, no.

Now THAT was a nice looking burn, yo. I had been wearing knee guards so the tops of my legs up to the knee guards were bright red ending in a perfect line, along with my knees and the bottom of my legs from the knee guard down. Perfectly symmetrical. I couldn't wear shorts or a dress for the rest of the summer. Not one of my smarter moments.

Also, for those who are wondering, the trick to getting eharmony to actually delete your account is you have to phone them and lie and say you found someone and they are really jealous and would probably beat you if they found out your profile was still up but, yes, you're very happy anyways and thanks for the congratulations. So I guess I have a boyfriend now. We're in love. Thanks eharmony.


Imnotbenny said...

That's actually not such a bad burn, yo. Last time I had a bad burn like that, I was wearing big sunglasses, so when I took them off, the huge white circles in the middle of my red face made me look, from a distance, like either:

a) a cartoon

b) the most surprised person that ever lived.

LynnieC said...

Holy crap, hilarious.

Also, I would have been all sweary-McGee and tied my t-shirt up between my boobs, so maybe it's a good thing I so rarely go to the beach.

notquiteawake said...

Imnotbenny: You clearly win.

Lyn: You guys probably would have gotten along really well then. But I guess I shouldn't talk. I am cleaning my house in a sports bra and capri yoga pants. But it's hot here, yo.

Billie Rock said...

I too would have had to move for safety's sake.

That would explain e-Harmony's success rate.

May-B said...

The word "Yo" always reminds me of Joan of Arcadia.

That is all.